Silence

"Silence is a source of great strength." -Lao Tzu

www.footosdotcom.deviantart.com

I usually love silence, and can spend days with it, but when you're trying to get an answer from someone but all he's giving you is an empty space with charged atmosphere, silence can kill you softly. But on the other hand, I respect this silence. When you don't know what to say, you better say nothing. People are often uncomfortable with it, and then try to say something, with disastrous result. I've done that myself, and I regretted it. So I'll let it be. 

I've been trying to interpret this silence, with no use. So I'm waiting for this silence to break. But it is true. Silence has given me great strength. To keep praying, when the chance of success seems minuscule, to be patient, and to persevere. 

On Writers

www.mi9.com

10 signs that you're a writer (reblogged from Writers Write):

1. You constantly edit. Whether it’s while you’re driving down the street and pass a misspelled sign, or grammatical errors in Facebook posts, you fix errors constantly in your mind—and sometimes not so silently. 

2. You’re highly observant. And not only do you notice things all the time, but you file them away in your I could write about this later folder. 

3. You often ask, “How could I describe this?” You don’t ignore your life experiences—everything from walking outside during a torrential downpour, to burning yourself while cooking, to taking the first bite of a piping-hot homemade chocolate chip cookie can be used in your writing, and you often pause to think about how you would describe it in words. 

4. You have a hyperactive imagination. There’s never a dull moment in that head of yours—your imagination is always working on overtime to keep you entertained and give you fresh ideas. 

5. You feel inspired to write after reading a good book. Enough said. 

6. You often daydream about your WIPs. Your characters never completely leave you— they walk alongside you throughout the day and give you new ideas when you least expect it. 

7. You feel guilty if you haven’t written anything in a while. What a “while” is depends, but after a writing hiatus, a part of you begins to demand that you get back to the keyboard and reprimands you if you don’t. 

8. Grammar jokes are funny. Well, they are. 

9. You can’t get enough books. After all, every new book is a couple hours worth of inspiration. 

10. You keep doing this writing thing. It doesn’t matter if you’re not published, if no one else cares if you continue to write, if you don’t make a penny off of the words that you put on the page—none of that matters, because you’ll continue to write anyway.

Telltales

everything-inspiring.com

You know you're seriously in love with a person when:

1. The thoughts of him/her occupy your mind even in critically important moments like practice hours, rehearsals and concerts,

2. He/she becomes a permanent subject of all your prayers,

3. Distance and silence makes you sad but they don't kill you because you simply love this person no matter what,

4. You hand the matter over to the Beholder of All Hearts and Creator of the Universe a.k.a. God the Almighty, and leaves Him to decide what is best for you,

5. You're ready to take "not yet" for the answer and keep on praying, or "no" and moving on.

I'm still waiting for my answer. 

The Privilege

Malcolm X | Photo source: www.weheartit.com

Faith is a privilege. Whatever way we practise it, whether as Muslims or Christians or Buddhists, people who believe that God exists and pray to God are privileged. (Non-believers will strongly argue this, but I wouldn't discuss this with them because we're simply not in the same realm).

There are people who were born in a religious family and raised in a certain religion but they grow up not believing that religious practices are useful and the concept of divinity doesn't make any sense whatsoever to them. And there are people who were born in secular environment but somewhere along the way, they find God and develop their spirituality. Why? I think because God lets them. 

Seems unfair, huh? It's like God is letting some people go astray while others are given the opportunity to find the right path. But the thing is, you have to want to be spiritual if you want God to lead you to the right way. From what I see in people I've met is that once you start wanting it, you slowly but surely go to this direction. 

I'm not saying that non-believers are lacking in something. I know a lot of atheists who have rich lives and are happy and fulfilled. What you don't have you don't miss. 

So again, I'm just saying here that to have faith is to have privilege because God is giving you a chance to be closer to Him. It's a privilege because not everyone is allowed this proximity, and because there are a different world we can discover once we are in the path.

Which also means that we should never take it for granted. Once we start doing that, we don't deserve it anymore. 

Liberating Love

"Ich hab'ein großes Gefühl für dich.

Soll ich es dir vorbeibringen, oder willst du es abholen?"

(Robert Gernhardt)

www.weheartit.com

Once in my life, years ago, I had an all-consuming love. It was short but so intense that I didn't know that I was capable of feeling that much. My heart was like a vessel overflowed with so much happiness until I felt it might burst. I thought that kind of love will never end, so that when it was over, I had a immense hollow inside that can't be filled for many, many years afterwards and that I actually suffered some physical pain because of it. 

That experience left me terrified every time I wanted to try something new with someone else. When I finally tried, I didn't give all of my heart. Of course the end result was catastrophic, although it didn't kill me. 

One day, not so long ago, someone came to my life, and somehow he convinced me, not through his words but through his actions, that I don't have to be so afraid anymore. So I put myself together and offered him my heart. 

It was liberating. 

Love isn't complicated. People are. If people accept the first love given to them and giving it back, so many of us would live happily ever after and no one will make movies or fairy tales about it. But the thing is, without knowing how and why, you love a certain person with all their flaws and failings, against all odds, sometimes defying common sense and good advice. And the same thing cannot be applied to any other person. It's not a repeat order, a recipe, nor a pattern. Love is, unfortunately, highly random. But I guess from experience I have now learned to just love and be happy with doing it, because I have handed this whole business to God. If anything good will come out of this, I will be the happiest woman on earth, but otherwise I know that I will fall out of love, and find a new one. As Maupassant said, " l'amour n'est pas éternel. On se prend et on se quitte."  

Of course I won't deny that my heart leaps every time I saw him appear in my News Feed.  There hasn't been a day yet where I cross my fingers every time my iMessage beeps and hope that it is him that send me a text, even if it's just a simple "hi". And the fact that I still mention his name in my every prayer shows how much I really want all my feelings to be reciprocated. After all, the greatest thing we'll ever have is to love and to be loved in return. And it's something I pray I'll never be deprived of in life. 

Always More

"To teach is to touch lives forever."

Here's a story of a teenage boy I know. 

He's now 14 years old and in junior high school. Born as middle child, he has that comparison syndrome, which means that he has a big brother and a little brother to compete with, resulting in a lack of self confidence. In primary school, he was bullied for the whole 6 years by his classmates, and his parents were either too indifferent or too stupid to realize this and move him out of that school. He has developed a defensive posture and was constantly tensed that he forgets his normal posture. Now he walks with a bent back, his shoulders lifted, his arms never hang loosely beside his body (they are either folded in front or lifted on the side just above his waist). It's almost impossible to teach music to someone with this kind of physical problem.  

This boy, is a student of mine. He's my underachiever, but I love him dearly. 

He is a sensitive kid and when I put him in concerts several times, he managed to play beautifully. He loves romantic pieces and although he puts a devil-may-care attitude as a teenager would do in front of me, his tormented soul connects immediately to this kind of music and he would sing inwardly and project the most beautiful sound through his stiff fingers and arms and shoulders. But each piece is a struggle, although he doesn't mind working hard and taking my frustrated wrath every now and then, poor boy. Every single session we have is always a mix of music, psychology, dance, yoga, breathing, gymnastic and philosophy lesson. And in every session we only manage to do one piece because he doesn't have enough time to do more than one nor enough motivation and strong will to want to do more.  And as his grade goes up, I feel the hill we both climb is getting steeper.

A lot of times, after an unsuccessful lesson where we both ended up hating each other, I would think he might not be coming the following week, but although he always misses at least one lesson every month, he keeps coming to my studio. Which I think is a miracle, knowing how tough sometimes I am with him. 

If things like this happens to other student, who doesn't have his psychological baggage or his familial background or who is plain lazy, I would have called his parent and dismiss him out of my class. But although I lost my temper with him, never for once I told him that he cannot come to my class again. 

I just can't give up on him. If I do, he will give up on himself. So I'll stick around. And I think he knows that I'll stick around until he won't give up on himself, on anything. 

Many times, teaching is really not about doing the theory and the science. Many times, I feel that it's about teaching how to think, how to feel, how to do things better and how to be good at something. Many times, music comes much later, usually after they solve all these non-musical problems. If we're really involved, it can be very tiring, because it can be very intense, but it can also be very rewarding, because as we do that, we fix something and build human connection, which is a rare and precious things these days. I guess that's why I always go back to teaching at some point. I love building that bridge, and I love getting inspirations from my students (although they also give me headaches!). And teaching always makes me grateful for the inspiring teachers I have had in my life who changed my life for the better.   

No regrets!

"Do you know what the most destructive force in the Universe is? Regret!"

- Agent K

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

So Said Johnny.

Photo (C) Meirita Artanti Putri

A Good Idea

I've been wanting, hoping, dreaming, wishing and dying for a proper concert venue in Bandung for quite some time. Yesterday my favorite band, Doric String Quartet, posted this picture below while they were visiting Pennsylvania for a concert. I suppose a book store (or whatever store) that hosts concerts can be interesting. Classical music fans can get an added bonus of browsing books while they're waiting for the concert to start, and people who don't really like classical music can hear it while they were reading. We might even get new audience. Also the store can support the running of the venue when no event is taking place. 

  

Now I'm gonna have to find out how to sell this ideas to my friends & the community :-)

The Sufi in Me

One of Sufi's practice known as the "whirling dervishes"

I just finished re-reading a wonderful book about Islam by Reza Aslan. In one of the chapter, he explains about Sufism, which is one of religious branch in Islam which is quite popular to non-Muslims. A lot of scholars and encyclopaedias have explained it, or at least tried to, but I really love Aslan's interpretation about it. I will reveal a little bit about it here, but if you'd like to know more about his thoughts on Sufism, you should read his book called "No god but God" and jumped to chapter 8. These are all quoted and summarized from this book (all bold prints are mine). 

Sufism - the term given to Islam's immensely complex and infinitely diverse mystical tradition - is ... fundamentally indefinable. As a religious movement, Sufism is characterized by a medley of divergent philosophical and religious trends. In their rituals and practices, the Sufis sought the annihilation of the ego, ...whereas Sufism's goal is to thrust humanity toward God. The Sufi path only originates with the "outer shell" of Islam. As the Sufi passes from one stage to another of the way to "self-annihilation" and unity with the Divine, that shell must be gradually discarded. Sufis believe that reason and theology, creed and ritual, law and its commandments, all must be replaced in the soul of the enlightened person with the supreme virtue: love.

This brief outline of Sufism...in no way explains what Sufism is. Nor could it. That is because Sufism is a religious movement that can only be described; it cannot be defined. What is Sufism? It is the love of Majnun for Layla. It is "numberless waves, lapping and momentarily reflecting the sun - all from the same sea," according to the Sufi master Halki. It is the practice of "adopting every higher quality and leaving every lower quality," in the words of Ibn Junayd. The Sufi is "not Christian or Jew or Muslim," Rumi wrote. He is not of "any religion or cultural system...not from the East of the West, not out of the ocean or up from the ground, not natural or ethereal, not composed of elements at all...not an entity of this world or the next." Sufism to Islam is what heart is to the human being: its vital center, the seat of its essence. 

Of all principles that the Sufi disciple must integrate into his life, none is more important than the principal of love. Love is the foundation of Sufism. The experience of love represents the most universal station on the Sufi Way, for it is love - not theology and certainly not the law - that engenders knowledge of God. 

According to the Sufis, God's very essence - God's substance - is love. Love is the agent of creation. Humanity...is God made manifest; it is God objectified through love. 

When Sufis speak of their love for God, they are not referring to...spiritual love; quite the opposite. This is a passionate, all-consuming, humiliating, self-denying love. ...the Sufi love requires the unconditional surrender to the Beloved's will, with no regard for one's own well-being. This is love to the point of utter self-annihilation. Love, ...is the fire that obliterates the ego and purifies the soul, and the lover is he who "flares and burns..." 

I recently proclaimed my love for someone. It's my first time. Funnily, against all odds, I felt all right. I wasn't ashamed, and I didn't feel at all degraded. I told my bestie yesterday that I strangely felt grounded, sober, and calm, although I know that my love is unrequited. I probably reached what the book called "ecstatic self-annihilation". I have probably given what the Sufis called "the perfect love - the kind of love that expects nothing in return," although I also told God that I would not mind very much if he loves me back (haha!). But today I know for sure why. 

I don't claim myself to be a Sufi. I'm still so very far from that. But having experienced a deep love for someone, I know that I have been closer to God, and get to know Him a little bit more. There is something grand about it. It's indeed a privilege, because not all human beings are allowed to have this kind of experience. It has elevated me into a whole new level of existence. And it has left me an indescribable but incredible sense of peace.

There's one more thing I know for sure now. Almost everything in the world, when they're given, will make you have less. Money, books, clothes, shoes, everything, except love. Love, I believe, is the only thing in the world that always returns to you after you give it back, and many times even more.    

Hey, you!

Yeah, you.

I could, and would, spend the rest of my life making this for you, if you let me to.

www.piccsy.com

Yeah.

www.piccsy.com

The best cure...

...for heartache is practice. 

Lots and lots of 'em. 

Hope

(A poem by Emily Jane Brontë)

HOPE was but a timid friend;

She sat without the grated den,

Watching how my fate would tend,

Even as selfish-hearted men. 

Four years ago, I met someone who stirred something in my heart. I wasn't fully recovered from a heartache at the moment, and there was never anyone who was capable of stirring anything inside of me, until he came. We spent time together for a short 3 days, and then he left me.

She was cruel in her fear;

Through the bars, one dreary day,

I looked out to see her there,

And she turned her face away! 

After he's gone, my mind started wondering, and asking questions. There's something about him that makes me feel again. But then I was too scared to want to know more. So I waited, and watched over him from a distance. In the meantime, hope quietly built a castle in my soul. 

Like a false guard, false watch keeping,

Still, in strife, she whispered peace;

She would sing while I was weeping;

If I listened, she would cease. 

Six months after he left, I wrote a list of 100 things I want in a man. I didn't know him that much, but the list was probably things I expect to have from him. I kept that list, and waited. One, two, three, four years have passed. Hope grew stronger. 

False she was, and unrelenting;

When my last joys strewed the ground,

Even Sorrow saw, repenting,

Those sad relics scattered round; 

Until one day life handed me over the chance to see him again. This time I got to spend more time with him, to know him better, and to be assured that the four-years-waiting was worthwhile. He fulfils 99 items on my list, and with divine intervention, he'll match all 100. So I tell him how I feel, and wait some more. 

Hope, whose whisper would have given

Balm to all my frenzied pain,

Stretched her wings, and soared to heaven,

Went, and ne'er returned again ! 

I can't choose the one I love. I just do. But so can't he. And now, since hope has abandoned me, I will hang on to prayer. It changes things, so I've heard. It helps you grant your wish. People often remind me to be careful with what I wish for, but I won't be scared. Not after all this. I've waited for him for four years, and I will not give up now.

The Science of Flirting

"I'm a terrible flirt."

Said the man I've been waiting for, who managed to occupy my mind the whole time since I first met him four years ago, although I met him very, very briefly.

And he is. I can't deny it because it's a fact.

And I hate it, with all my heart. We were talking and having lunch in my favourite cafe, and all of a sudden I lost my appetite. He was standing and getting a picture of the cafe and he managed to flirt with a girl he saw nearby. And every time he speaks a little too nicely with a waitress or throws a more-than-usual appreciative glance at someone, something inside me dies a little.

I don't blame men in particular for flirting. Women, we, do flirt, too. Although, however, funnily, I don't have any female friends around me who is a terrible flirt. I think woman only flirts when they really want something to happen. That can be either a one-night stand or a real relationship, but I don't know any woman who flirts just because they enjoy the process, or because it makes them feel good about themselves.

So, I don't know why men flirt. And I seriously can't understand why some men are a natural born flirt. It's probably hormonal, but it doesn't make it forgiveable. God grants them brain who are capable of thinking and controlling their behaviour, so it doesn't make it acceptable.

And flirting can be fatal to relationship, both potential or ongoing. When one side flirts, it hurts the other side, because it makes them think that they're not good enough. It makes them feel insecure. And it can erode whatever affectionate feeling they have.

Awakening

Another piano recital today. I've been trying this new hall since last month. It seats 50-70 people comfortably, so since I'm losing audience, I thought it doesn't make sense to stick to the old hall. Besides, this new place has better parking lot. 

I had been feeling a little uptight since morning. Until 6 pm prior to the concert, which began at 7.30, I sold only 2 tickets. At 7 I sold 13 tickets, at 7.30-sharp 20 tickets, then ten minutes later 5 friends came. We started at 7.40. After two Rachmaninov Preludes, 8 people came. So that made 33 people. With 50 tickets I printed, that's more than 60 percent seats sold. Financially it's good. But the fact that only 6 piano teachers came (I'm one of them) didn't make me feel better.

There are about 30 music schools in Bandung, not to mention private teachers. Piano are always the most popular instrument in every school. The hall where the concert was is attached to a music school with 200+ piano students. But not 10 percent of them came. I didn't even see any teacher. The principal of the school opted to go see a brass band which happened to perform the same night. 

A good friend, another classical music activist in town, asked me later how it was, and as I was telling him my story (while cursing a lot of people), there and then I realize that I'm most probably doing the right thing in the wrong place. The Italians will live on pasta 365 days a year, but Indians would die in a month. Walmart is a huge success in the US, everywhere else it's a flop. The Chinese will survive on porridge, but the Dutch would starve. A mangrove will grow strong in a strand, and not in a mountain. Some things find roots because the place where they grow has everything they need to strive. 

Classical music is not so different. China is embracing this culture slowly but surely, and starts producing world-class musicians in this genre, although classical music is not their culture. In the country that was suspicious of any Western culture, how did classical music manage to find a voice? Taking the analogy from my previous premise, I think it's because China, or the Chinese, has everything to offer for classical music. 

Let's be honest. (Learning) classical music requires hard work. People who say that learning classical music should be fun and is fun are idiots, and teachers who aim to make classical music lesson enjoyable are highly suspect. No learning process is fun, but you stick to it because it's worth it. The harder it is, the bigger the reward. Once you pass the difficult part, you'll find whole new world. (Then you go find another new world by going through the same process, only the path is steeper and the wind blow harder). Even if you're born with 100 percent musical gift in your genes, you still have to go through the technical drill, the aural training before you expand your musical horizon and emerge as complete musician. And that means lifelong learning. Classical music also requires a trained ear. Even those who learn classical piano or violin will find, at first, that listening to a simple minuet is not as easy as listening to Michael Jackson. To go through all these hardship and find your pot of gold at the end of the storm, you need to develop passion, curiosity, persistence, perseverance, attention to details, discipline, focus, determination, and let's not forget intelligence.

Most Chinese have those traits. They and classical music fit well like a glove. 

I'm facing it now, with no hard feelings. I've had my sabbatical period. I returned, at a point, with a new spirit. But things haven't changed. It didn't make sense to me at first, but now I know. People in Bandung are not born for classical music. It's not for everybody. Characteristically, we're not ready for it. We don't have what it needs to excel, not even to dwell. To stay in this path would not be useless, at least for me personally, but it would be futile, at least for the moment. I doubt that my people will change into Chinese in 10 years time. I'll just make use of my time better now and concentrate on things that can be changed. 

Faith

Source: www.abstract-soul.com

Doubt and faith are two different side of a coin. If you read my previous post, that's what Gibran said. How very true! I know it now for sure.  

If you have doubts in some things, you're bound to get faith in something else. And with me, my faith in God is reinforced. 

I texted my bestfriend the other day and told him that all of this doesn't make any sense. My work for the community doesn't seem to bring the result I expect. I've tried everything, and I've done so much, but the situation seems to get worse. 

I forgot that there's still one thing I haven't done. 

I haven't prayed. 

All this time I put myself out there and went the extra miles while hoping that people will help my cause. I thought it was enough. I thought that by knowing how much I've worked for this, people will help and support and participate. But it was stupid. I've had experience with this and I should have known better. We must never put any hope on mere mortals. People let you down, all the time. Only the very best will be there for you, but they are the selected few, and you need bigger power to move the majority. 

So that's it. Starting tomorrow I'm just going to do what I have to do, and then let go. I will have learn to leave the result to God and not beating myself up when things don't go according to plan.

And then I will pray. A lot. Because prayer changes things. 

Doubts

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." - Khalil Gibran

I have doubts. I have not many, but they are strong.

I doubt if I'm doing the right thing. If I am, I doubt if I'm doing it in the right place. 

I doubt that something good will eventually happen in Bandung. People don't seem to care anymore. Everyone's so busy, even to reply to an important text message. They do their own things and take things for granted.  

I doubt if there will ever be a change, or if I will witness it in the near future.

And I doubt if this is all worth fighting for. 

I doubt if this is all worth my life. (No, right?)

Margaret Mead once said, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." I used to hold on to these words. But now I doubt her, too. 

The only good thing coming out of doubt is that my religion survives. 

I'm so tired right now. It doesn't get any easier, and I lost more and more support. This doesn't make sense. I need either a conviction, or distraction, or disintegration. Should I just go, or should I just give myself the benefit of the doubt?

Chinese-Indonesian

Chinese New Year celebration in Jakarta in 2012. Picture taken from here.

This theme is something I often discuss with my piano teacher. Why do Chinese-Indonesians perform better in music? And when we look further, they excel, in fact, almost in everything. Indonesian people with Chinese ancestors are still minority, even if the natives say they're everywhere, especially in big cities. According to CIA World Factbook (and I quote this source because my country doesn't have an official Factbook), the Chinese and other unspecified ethnics made up only 29,9% of the population, which means that, if spread evenly to 33 provinces, each province has only less than 1% Chinese ethnic in their region. But although small in number, they are making big impacts. In my city alone, they pretty much run the economy. In national scale, they not only play an important roles in trade, they also show significant achievements in other fields. Many gold medallists and international athletes are Chinese-Indonesian. Scientists and scholars sent abroad are also coming from this ethnic group. Even in a world as small as classical music, they rule. 

Once I sat with my teacher in a competition where about 80% of the participants are Chinese-Indonesian kids. Of course, the majority also won top places. If you go to local concerts or competitions in any big city in Indonesia, you'll see mostly Chinese-Indonesian kids on stage. I am running two theory classes at the moment. One class has Chinese-Indonesians as majority, the other has only Indonesians. The "Chinese" class, as I named it, always starts on time, never missed a session, and always returns any homework I gave. The "native" class always starts 30 minutes late, changes schedule often, with homework  sometimes done and sometimes not.

Many non-Chinese in many countries would agree that the majority of Chinese (and I say that because there is always exceptions) possess the same traits: they are discipline, hard-working, they deny self-gratification until their mission is accomplished, they are money-savvy, are mostly passionate about what they do, and that is why they're successful. Malcolm Gladwell said in "Tipping Point" that most Chinese succeed everywhere they go because they come from a culture that planted rice, and since rice are the most difficult crop to cultivate, they develop this kind of mentality. But this theory definitely needs to be tested further because the fact is, Indonesian people also grow rice but they develop a different mentality altogether. So what's missing from the equation? Is it because we live in the equator where nature helps us so much when we want to grow anything that we become such a lazy nation?

I'm afraid I must say that the average Indonesians still have a slightly cynical point of view towards Chinese-Indonesians. I believe this stems from jealousy. Many still see them as visitors who take over home, stupidly, even if the Chinese-Indonesian today are from second or even third generation who are born and raised here and always see Indonesia as home. However things are so much better now for the Chinese in many aspects of life. When I was a kid, Chinese presenters or movie stars hardly make it to TV. Now they slowly but surely appear, even in news channel. In 1998, as the longest-reigning former president ceased to be an autocrat, a lot  of Chinese and their families were violated and for a while, they were scarred, emotionally and physically. Many flew from the country, but those who decided to stay must overcame their fear. Thankfully this doesn't last long. One good thing coming out of it is that the natives feel and see their pain and they help them feel more and more at home. The Chinese New Year is now an official holiday in our calendar. 

Still, complete integration is not a common picture. Chinese-Indonesians normally "hangout" with their peers, so do native Indonesians. At the moment, the two ethnic groups are friendly towards each other, but very few are keen to take a closer look at each other's lives and see how it can enrich their own. During my first years as piano student, I slowly realised that my brother and I were among the few brown-skinned and round-eyed who played this instrument. The majority were Chinese kids, and they were good. Some were even super good. They were focused, worked on details, very musicals, and inspiring. And so we learned from them. We also learn to adapt as minority, to stand out among the goods, and strive to be the best. Perhaps this is also because our mum grew up in Catholic schools and had to compete with Chinese kids of her generation. They lent her their competitive edge, and she taught us that. We can learn so much from each other, and Indonesians certainly need some of Chinese traits to develop.

As one of the few natives who live in the community where Chinese-Indonesians are in bulk, I am so  grateful for my "Chinese" friends. They teach me a lot of things that don't normally exist in my world, and they make me a better person. They cultivate my mind. They give me broader perspective on people and how they see problems and challenges, and it brings me more and more precious life experience.

The Future...

belongs to the youth. 

I can now say the same for the world of classical music in Indonesia, especially after organising several recitals by young "amateur" musicians. Sure, their talents differ: some have more and some have less, but they all have these things in common: they have professional work ethics, they come on stage well-prepared, they give their best with what they have and because of that they're willing to go the extra mile, and they never take anything for granted. They're doing it for love. It's so rare here, and it's inspiring.   

More and more young Indonesian musicians are now going abroad to study. They're equipped with bigger voice and stronger technique and  better preparation, thanks to their teachers. If they keep up the good work, once they become pros, if they don't  forget who they were when they started, and that they owe it to themselves to always, always give 100%, if they realize that they have responsibilities and act accordingly, I think I can cross my fingers and look forward to a brighter future in my country's classical music scenery. 

Entourage

Some people enjoy a large circle of friends, without any really particular close friends who know them very well. Some people are more at ease with one or two people who know them inside out and more likely to have been and will be friends for life (like my mum, who has only 2 BFFs in her life, and my brother, who wedded his one and only BFF and they now raise four kids together). 

I just read a very touching blogpost by my violinist partner, Arya, who wrote about his best friend. He can be with a lot of people, and is very popular among his peers, but I think he only feels absolutely at home with the particular subject of his post. 

And me? I feel that I'm getting more and more reclusive as I age (now I think of myself like a piece of furniture). I'm basically shy and insecure and although I learn to be my own person among strangers and feel comfortable, in the long run I tend to stick to the same, very few friends who know me a lot, if not completely. Some of the people have even left the company, either intentionally nor unintentionally, leaving the circle even smaller. I used to fret, but the older I get, the more capable I am now of letting go. In some cases, it's just as natural as birth and death. People change, and they don't find you compatible anymore, or you change, and you find it harder and harder to seek common ground. 

So here's what I know for sure, from friends who come and go, and stay. 

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The Two Sides of Commitment

Photo (C) Aria Medina

I'm not married yet, but I'm surrounded by married men and women, and I learned a lot from those marriages. Some of them are happy ones, some not so much. I know that it takes more than love to make a marriage work. In fact, I don't think love is needed to make a marriage. This needs more commitment, above all things. Commitment makes you able to compromise, willing to understand, ready to forgive. 

Any relationship, be it personal or professional, needs commitment to make it last.  

So I know that commitment is important. It's basically what makes the world goes round. We won't have schools if we don't have teachers who are committed to their work. There will be no hospitals if doctors won't commit their lives to the lives of other people, often times forgetting their own lives. And there will be no countries if some people are not committed to govern other people and try to establish some order in the society. 

The thing is, once you're committed to commitment, it's easy for you to forget why you're doing it in the first place. Commitment becomes an obligation, but the kind that does not fulfill and never succeeds in making us truly happy. Life goes on, but it won't be worth living. 

People say yes a lot to a lot of things. Many times they know that commitment comes with it, and they do it. But along the way they forget that love has to be there, too.  

The Next Big Thing

This has to happen next in Bandung: a concert hall. 

I've been thinking a lot during this sabbatical year, and I've come up with this conclusion: Bandung, or any city in the world, cannot expect to move forward in classical music unless the city has its own "house" for it. It's where classical musicians dwell, eat, read, breathe and live music. The logic is simple. Any living thing, be it human or animal or something not so organic like classical music, needs a proper home so it can grow and be nurtured and mature well. 

So far, what we've got is an auditorium belonging to the French Cultural Centre (CCF), situated in an area with horrible traffic and impossible parking. Despite its popularity, it cannot prevent concerts from losing spectators. People just gave up coming. Moreover, classical music isn't the priority here. We share with other forms of performing arts, both local as well as international. Earlier the directors had enough authority to decide who can play, but since the CCF turned into the centralized Institute Francais, which means that all decisions regarding artists and programmes come from Jakarta, local artists (i.e. classical musicians) have smaller chance of being heard.

I also think that a concert hall will decrease our need for sponsorship. It can self-sustain by opening its doors to people/organisations who want to rent it, and then the money will be used to further develop classical music. The business will finance the idealism. And it has to. It has to give back to the community which support it. After six years in this business, I've found out that Bandung has almost zero chance of getting sponsorship. Not just from Jakarta, where big companies reside, simply because they don't consider the city "important" enough to give the exposure they need, but also from the city itself, simply because companies here don't care enough. But the market is there, and the customers are loyal. It would be such a shame if we couldn't do something about it. And since I'm getting tired and depressed every time I had to conjure a tour for every single international artists who'd come just so Bandung can be included in the tour by using sponsorship from other cities, I strongly believe we must try to be independent, and not counting so much on help from other sources.

I've quite tried a lot for the past 6 years. Concerts, recitals, master classes, workshops, camps: been there, done that. All I've got are diminishing audience, sponsorship and returns. I can continue doing this, but doing the same thing again and again while expecting different result is crazy. It's time to change strategy. It's time to think bigger and come up with the one right solution that will bring classical music to another level.

A Reminder

 "People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou

Either way...

...life seems to test you all the time, doesn't it? I know that at times, a lot of times, in fact, things happen only when we make it. But I'm so tired of making things happen right now. I just want to sleep and read all day and dream about faraway lands and wait for divine intervention. 

On Education

From Chris Hedges, American journalist, Pullitzer Prize winner & best-seller author. 

www.truthdig.com

My King of Clay

Finally! Rafa broke Roland Garros' record and became the first player ever to win 7 times. It was big for him, everybody can tell, because he went straight to his team, family and friends a few seconds after victory. Such a humble player and made me admire and adore him even more ❤❤❤

www.rolandgarros.com

Now Rafa is heading to Halle before taking part in Wimbledon. I look forward to spending my short summer vacation following Rafa on grass :-)

Rafa, yet again!

I know that my fondness (to put it in a moderate way) for Rafael Nadal  makes my opinion biased, but he is totally AMAZING. Definitely my king of clay. This year Rafa is back to Roland Garros' finale for the 7th time without losing any set. I really hope he's going to hold the Muskateers Cup again, beating Roger on final!

www.rolandgarros.com

Love him...

..at the first sight.

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Je veux dire oui...

www.dior.com

..avec celle-là! :-D

10 Lessons from Einstein

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1. Follow Your Curiosity “I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious.”

2. Perseverance is Priceless “It’s not that I’m so smart; it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”

3. Focus on the Present “Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”

4. Imagination is Powerful “Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life’s coming attractions. Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

5. Make Mistakes “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

6. Live in the Moment “I never think of the future – it comes soon enough.”

7. Create Value “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.”

8. Don’t be repetitive “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

9. Knowledge Comes From Experience “Information is not knowledge. The only source of knowledge is experience.”

10. Learn the Rules and Then Play Better “You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.”

Source: Paulo Coelho's blog

Experience

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Last week I had a conversation about being a piano teacher with a pianist friend, Toru, and he asked if I already gave up entirely the chance of becoming a pianist, which means here, a performer. 

I said I didn't know, but it was hard to start again because I had a lot of years off as a solo performer, and although I still play chamber music, it's just isn't the same. My nerve just couldn't stand it. 

He said it was just about experience. 

Experience. 

Now that I come to think of it, I realize how very true this is. 

Knowledge and science can fill your brain with so many things, can make you look smart on other people's eyes, can grant you a pass to any written exams, but it won't teach you anything much about the real stuff. Only experience can make you really live life as it is. And once you get that, it can teach you more. Much more. I can try to find out all I need to know about Brahms from books and Wikipedia, read his letters and everything else I need, but until I play his music I wouldn't know what Brahms really is all about. I can teach my students about how not to get nervous on stage, I can tell them what to think whenever they have memory lapses, but until they go up there and do it themselves, they will never know how to cope with concert situations. 

And anyone can quote as many love poems as they can, but it won't be the same as experiencing being in love in the first hand.

In fact, a lot of life's most difficult challenge can only be overcome by experience alone.  

Which makes me realize, that I have to stop slacking and start collecting more experience. I have to find a teacher again. 

Thank you, Toru. :-)

Feels like doing this...

...all the time.

Post-project Blues

4 months break + succesful project = post-project blues (insomnia included sometimes).

What does it tell?

It tells me that I love doing this and I can and want to do this for the rest of my life.

Things Money Can't Buy

I just closed my first project for this year. Two concerts by two good friends of mine who study in Utrecht and from audience point of view, and judging by end result only, everything went superbly well. The piano recital was sold out, with warm audience who gave standing ovation for the artist and made him feel super happy, and the art song recital was packed with 90% seats sold and impressed audience who said that they were very "satisfied" with the artists' performance. 

Behind the stage, there was EPIC drama. 

I do not want to elaborate, but here's something I learn.

You can have all the money in the world, but you can still end up having nothing but money. Some things in the world remain the same, and as my experience can tell me, the most important things are those that money can't buy, like friendship, professionalism, good manner, and good reputation.

I know I'm not loaded with cash, but I know I'm rich, because I have things that matter most. 

Blockheads..

...will be blockheads, and eventually will end up with other blockheads.

The world isn't fair, but that's just the way it is.

Bel far niente

"The beauty of doing nothing."

So has my sabbatical period taught me so far. 

I was just talking to parents of a talented 9-year-old pianist who was complaining about how their son is not practising enough. We just organised a piano recital together and Toru, my pianist friend who played for the recital, after listening to them worrying, said that he seems like a perfectly fine, normal boy and it's important for him to be a happy kid first and foremost. Something which I immediately agreed on. 

Many parents, especially those with gifted children, sometimes worry that their kids may not be using their time to do "important" or "useful" stuffs and that because of that, their time and talent would be wasted. But Toru said childhood only lasts a few years and actually it's very, very short so kids should really enjoy that while they can. Ditto. 

My French teacher, who is trying to write a book, called me last week and after a while she began to confess that she's been struggling with depression because she hasn't been able to write anything worthy for the past 5 weeks. But every time she tried, she felt so tired. So I told her that she should maybe take a break and not trying to do anything because even trying can be very tiring sometime. I also told her that it's absolutely all right to do nothing. She wrote me today and told me that she actually felt better after she released the pressure of accomplishment and just do things she feels like doing. 

In the competitive world today, people often forget or even fear that when they do nothing, they will be left behind and life will pass them by. But I really learn from this first four months that doing nothing has its own virtue and value. Of course everyone has different idea about "doing nothing" (my idea of it consists of teaching 20 hours a week and not doing any projects), but I think the concept is to slow down and take it easy. In a way it's paying respect to ourselves and our body and not letting ourselves become machines.

I am really happy that I made that decision. It was hard at first, but with the break I actually liberate myself from that tendency to do bigger, better and more, and not taking a step back to re-think. It's always good to think, and I can say and recommend to anyone right now that it's always good to do nothing. It's a luxury. Not everyone can do that. If you have the opportunity to do it, you should grab that chance.   

How do you explain love?

I just picked up a pianist friend who came from Japan tonight. I had to wait at the airport for an hour before he finally showed up, then we had to wait for an hour before our bus arrived, that was 7.15 pm, and then we had to put up with Jakarta's traffic jam for 2 hours before finally heading to Bandung. 3 hours later we got to the hotel where my friend will be staying for a week, which is sometime after midnight, and at half-past midnight I came home. 

My friend is going to have a solo recital on Thursday, and on Friday with another baritone friend.  I was happy. I couldn't care less about getting some financial reward out of all those 5-hours sitting in the shuttle, but I was happy. 

How do you measure happiness? My parents are not happy. For the hundredth time, they can't understand that I can really feel joy and elevation and all those shiny adjectives only by meeting new people and talk to them about music and stuffs. They can't believe that I'm actually fine not being paid for this because I simply want to help my friends and my community. They think I've lost my mind. 

But how do you measure love? It's absurd. I don't want to put price on things I love. They're invaluable. And parents should understand that. They've been there, done that. They must have gone over that moments where they would just do anything for their kids without expecting any financial remuneration. It makes me wonder, though. Do my parents put price on me?

But it's all so clear to me now. I've been delaying making any plans for my life. I still haven't decided where I want to live. I just know what I want to do. I know that classical music is my calling. And I know that I can do so many things for it. But if my parents want me to stop doing it because they say classical music won't strive here and that it's ruining my life, then it's obvious to me. I must go somewhere else where I can make a living with it. I love teaching so much. I want to do it for the rest of my life. But if I have to live only with it for the rest of my life, I don't think I'll be happy either. 

Love is never a choice. You can't really say why you love certain things or certain people, and you can't choose who and what you love. But you always have options about it. You can choose to leave, or fight for it. Whatever I decide, I want to keep my options open.

In Love

Falling in love is an exciting thing.

And being in love is a wonderful thing.

Funny is, everything sounds, feels, looks and seems great when you're in love. The saddest love song can turn into a happy song, and painful memories suddenly aren't so painful anymore.

It's strange that Maupassant should say that "Love isn't eternal. We're in and out of it." But would that actually mean that love is always there?

Just saying :-)

Comparison...

...is the source of unhappiness, the seed of negative energy, or in short, the root of all evil.

I have a very good student, a smart one, keen on learning, with a pleasant attitude that that makes me look forward to our sessions. But she is, by their mother, constantly compared to her elder sister (who happened to be born overseas and be able to figure out things quicker so her mother baptised her as "my most intelligent and talented daughter"). Both are my students, so I came with the same approach towards both, but since their mother is too busy paying compliments to the first child, from time to time I have to reassure the second one that she is just as smart and talented as the first (and in fact, more musical and more receptive to lessons).  I actually find the first child, perhaps because of too much praises from mamma, thought too highly of herself, which makes her difficult to take instruction and to achieve progress.

Another case: I have a friend who was a smart woman and graduated from university with flying colours and now a stay-at-home mum. I said and. But she said but. "Look at me. I got this super GPA but now all I do is picking my kids from school and drop them to courses. Whenever I look at my friends' status updates on Facebook, I feel so useless."

One more example: I recently found a Facebook profile of a woman who is now married to my ex-boyfriend. I was perfectly happy being single with occasional flirtatious relationships, but when I read her status I started to compare her life with mine (she seemed very happily married) and by comparing how disastrous my relationship was with her now-hubby, I got to feel left behind and see my love life with gray-coloured eye-glasses.

Comparison is a killjoy. I think human being starts to feel lacking when they start to develop the ability to compare themselves to others. (All first children must be less happy when they got a baby sister/brother and found out that their siblings could get a bigger portion of ice cream). With the rise of social media like Facebook and Twitter where people voluntarily (a lot of time!) expose their personal life , we are more prone to this social disease. It's of course inevitable. But I think it's all illusions.

Nobody's life is perfect in all situations and aspects. Some people share only the good and wonderful stuffs that happen in their lives, and some share even the tiniest, shittiest moments to anyone who's willing to read and respond. But we all know that even the shiny-happy people must have their share of bad day at the office and the life of les miserables won't always grim (otherwise they would kill themselves and no longer appear on Facebook).  It happens to all of us without exception, and even though we know it, most of us always see that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.

I think what people forget these days is to compare themselves with themselves. People don't often think that 'my life is now better than before' or 'I know more now than I knew then'. In here, it what makes the country stays in its mediocre status. I find that only very few cares to do it better, to step up the game and to improve themselves from time to time. Very few people simply don't ask themselves if they have given the best in comparison to their real capacity and capability. People see other people doing lousy works, and they thought it's all right to be just 'ok' because others were doing less. People were busy competing with others, sometimes in things that are not important, and they forget that the biggest enemy we must conquer is ourselves.

Just.

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People We Lost

"Friendship is a slow ripening fruit." (Aristotle)

It's hard to lose things. And it's hardest to lose people. But at some points in life it is unavoidable, either naturally or intentionally. 

I lost my dearest uncle when I was 22, after 5 years of fight with cancer. Although we all wanted to keep him alive as long as we (or he) could, we also knew that it was better for him to go. There was no more pain. For him, and for me, for all of us. I cried at every visit to the hospital, and when he's gone, I cried like there was no tomorrow, but then I knew I won't be crying again for him for the next 20 years. He's in a better place. 

I also realize that I am now in the verge of letting go some of my good friends because we have grown into someone different than we used to be and we also grow apart in the process. Our values, priorities, and experience change and that invisible thread that tied us together in the past slowly but surely unbinds. It's a sad thing, but it happens. At the end we only keep the very best of friends and the number would be a few, because this type of friendship is born, not made. It was written in our fate. With them, we are one soul dwelling in separate bodies.  

In any case, losing people is God's way to tell us that sometimes people are better off without each other. And God always has a way of replacing what we lose, and it's always with better things. 

Liabilities

A former colleague of mine, a guitar teacher, lost her husband yesterday afternoon. He had trouble breathing, she took him to the hospital, and by the time they got there he was already gone.

They were battling with his kidney failure for 7 years. I said they because she was there with him through every dialysis, months after months until it got to twice a week, fetched money from every resources available to keep her husband alive. She had to be the only breadwinner of the family, and as a guitar teacher, I can only imagine how frantic she must have felt when her husband's breath is as short as cash on hand. 

When I learned about his passing, I felt sad for her, but in a way, I also felt somewhat relieved, because I know that now my friend can build her life again. Now she is free of all worries and sadness, and most of all, from the constant pain of seeing your loved one suffers. Sometimes being alone is better than all these. Loneliness can sometime add beauty to life. For one thing it teaches you of not taking things for granted. 

Thinking of her situation, I came to think that of all the liabilities we put up with every day, human beings can be the greatest source. Debts can be paid, but when it comes to our fellow mankind, these liabilities can last for as long as they live. It can be in the form of an illness, old age, or children with special needs, or people whose biggest enemy are themselves. And I know some great women in my life who hang in there even though their loved ones let them down. Like my friend. And mum. And my granny and my aunts. It never fails to amaze me how their love endures all, and give them the strength to wake up every morning and face another day.     

Life on Stage

I've recently figured out why the so-called musicians or music teachers here don't go to concerts.

Being a classically-trained pianist, I was exposed to life on stage since I was a little. A year after I started my piano lessons my teachers started to enrol me to school concerts on regular basis, and that means go up on stage and perform for big audience approximately twice a year. In between there were performances for  peers which we called studio classes and home concerts. Although I hated it, I tried my best to survive and most of the time I managed quite all right. Later, of course, I found that I didn't hate it that much, but I'm just at my best when I'm behind the stage and if have to be on it, I prefer to share it with at least one other musician. Thus my love for chamber music playing.

Anyway, I found that many music teachers of today, to whom my resentment goes for not being more supportive towards classical music development, have not shared the same experience. Apparently they grew up as musicians in a different time period where their parents and teachers worship all things instant and stage performance is not part of their drill. Their thing is exam. Their aim is getting a piece of paper that states that they have passed a certain grade and so people (hopefully) believe that their abilities go in accordance with the result on paper. Every year they would take exam at higher level, and at a certain point, where there are no more available exams to be taken, they start teaching and stop learning because they've reached the pinnacle. Afterward, they stop performing and going to a performance. 

I see now that people who received the same trainings as mine are also people who love live concerts. Maybe because we're used to it, life on stage for us is always interesting. When we're not performing ourselves, we can relate to someone who goes out there and give his/her best shot. But then, for musicians who perform mostly for one person (called examiner) their whole life, a concert would probably be just another day in the music business.

I personally think it's a shame. There's so much one can learn by attending concerts, even if it is a bad one. (Of course, we must limit the intakes of bad concerts in our life.) For musicians, I think it's vital that every once in a while, we go and see and listen to a live performance. There are so many sensations which you couldn't get from recorded performance, no matter how perfect it is, and those will sharpen our senses and imaginations. Great performances can even be very inspiring and life-changing.  

But just like everything else, life on stage isn't for everybody, which makes me realize that as a teacher, I have to get my kids to love this kind of life because it's essential for their progress as musicians. Also as human beings, I believe. Their life will be richer, even if they don't choose music as their main profession.   

The Importance of Dream

"Because great people can’t afford to measure themselves by the visions of their peers. They must measure their standards by the quality of their own visions...what they see for themselves. Creative people create their own worlds.”

- The BRIT School for Performing Arts & Technology -