I got the picture above from http://positivesharing.com/2007/06/find-your-quitting-point/. Anyone wants to quit their job should visit that site. You will probably be even more sure about quitting, like me, or you will think that you haven't done your best and so you can try some more.
You see that third hill on that graphic? I'm on that point right now. I am standing right at the top of that hill, and unless there's a miracle happening my way, gravity will be pulling me under. Yes, that's the part that starts with "New psychotic..." except that I am my own employer, so I don't need to worry about psychotic anyone to boss me around, but what's really taking a toll on me is the major setback which I'm about to face. And in my prayer I said, if God wants me to stay in the business, He would do something to keep me from taking a free fall along that last line. And it's a damn long line. Which pretty much symbolize my life in the next 5 years, if that major setback really takes place.
Now, if I'm surfing along that line and NOT quitting, please feel free to call me idiot.
Alex Kjerulf, the guy who writes the site, summed it up for me: "it’s simple: If your job does not make you happy you should first try to fix it. If there’s no realistic hope that you ever will, it’s time to get out of Dodge."
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The very basic thing that makes it hard for me to quit is this fact: I love my job. In some aspects, I am totally good at it, and I excel. I know that, and it feels really good to know that. But in other aspects, I totally suck and the people I work with are even sucker, and together they succeed in neutralizing all my positive energy.
On my first year, I was totally happy and even if there were some unfortunate job-related events, I was willing to carry all the burden myself, knowing that some people were getting something valuable in their lives. And because of that, I even felt privileged. But after four years, after knowing the fact that these people I have helped have not actually changed for the better, despite the value they got, I felt used.
So when that feeling started to seep in, my gut instinct told me it's enough. At least for now. I can come back to this job years later, when people have changed. Until it happens, I will still facing that downward slope.
My trip to Paris also reminded me of things I used to love before I got so wrapped up in my vocation and occupation. And it's time to pursue those things again. If I don't quit my job now, or after the camp, I am forever stuck in this place, sacrificing my life for the betterment of others. Life might pass me by and I might not even be aware of it.
Quitting will be a good thing, I know it to the core. It's hard, but many wonderful things will come after this difficult period. I can see myself looking at the next period playing more music, taking more lazy students, getting back to the root of my training, going back to the reason why I did all these crazy stuffs, reading more books, listening to more CDs, hanging out with my BFF before she gets transferred to another territory, and visiting my nephews and nieces more often. In the meantime, I would probably develop new interests in origami, or cooking, or I might even lead a life of a hermit and stay at home all year round. Whatever the case, it's going to be a new adventure and like every other new adventure I have had in life, it's going to be exciting.
