Baby,
I'm sorry for my silence. I'm not angry. At least not anymore. My physic teacher in junior high once said that proximity blurred the vision. So I was distancing myself away from you to see things clearer.
You know, I probably was never angry. I was just sad and disappointed. Sad that after all this affection and attention I gave you, I still couldn't heal you. Disappointed because I thought you had better conscience. But now I understand what was your driving force. And I forgive you. And it wasn't my duty to cure you. You have to do that yourself.
I never thought that your fear of abandonment and insecurity were that profound. Maybe because your upbeat personality and silliness always manage to mask them well. Or maybe because you're a man, and I always thought men are better at forgetting this kind of thing. But it was that big, and I realise that you never had any proper healing. We've talked about it, not just once but many times, and we even talked about hypnotherapy, but you never went. So you never were thoroughly handled.
I know we could have talked about this in person when we meet, but I'm still a little hurt myself so I need to make sure that I won't say or do things that will hurt you. I will surely regret that. So I'm writing this instead.
Here's to let you know how I know all of this: I was you twenty years ago. I long so much for nearness with somebody, almost anybody, but the moment they got near I got so scared of being left behind that I start leaving them first. The first moment I sense a rejection, no matter how small, I was so ready to pack my bag and fly. My friends were confused, it's as if I live without attachment. But the moments I was away from them I was actually dying inside. I was crying at night and hoping that they would forgive me and take me back once my fear has dissolved. And guess what? They did. They forgave me, every single time. And finally I realised that I can trust people. Not all people, of course. But I have a pretty good intuition in judging people's character and people I've let in are always people who are loving, caring, and loyal. And finally I was healed.
So the first thing you have to do is trust your gut. You know me well. I told you several time that I have that 'human alarm' installed in my solar plexus that I can tell who's real and who's not. I wouldn't let you in to my life if you are bad. And I know you have that, too. I know that you know you can trust me when we begin to confide to each other in the solemn space of my small studio. So why worry? I won't promise you that I will stay forever, because as much as I want to, I am a mortal and there's 100% chance that I will die. But as long as you trust me and we don't take each other for granted, I most probably won't disappear from your life, and vice versa. You know I live apart from my other two BFFs, but distance never grow us apart. We're one soul dwelling in two bodies. We will find a way to reach each other, no matter what.
The second thing to do after trusting your instinct is to listen to your conscience. You probably think I'm jealous when I said you were acting like an arse. But I'm not. I'm disappointed because you chose to feed your ego and betray your conscience, and in doing that you're actually hurting someone else. You're using people to make you feel safe and secure and make them hanging on a thread, high on hopes, and once you feel better, you leave them again. It has happened many times and I can't believe how you still don't learn anything from the past. And for someone who believes in karma, I wonder why you're not afraid that someday all of this is going back to you. I hope you'll come to your sense very soon, before you hurt somebody again.
So, there you go. It's up to you now. I want to let you in again, but I have to know that you'll commit yourself to a healing process and that you won't do what you did again in the future. It's your turn to convince me. You must know that I never needed you in my life. When you came knocking the first time around, I was happy, I had everything I've ever wanted. I have great friends who love me. My circle is always small but no one there ever bullshits me. I didn't need anyone new but then you arrived and I decided that I want you in my life. I want you to remember that because I know how good it is to feel wanted, more than to be needed.
I'm always here, and I'm not going anywhere. If you still want me in your life, don't ever take our friendship for granted. That's how you keep thing that are precious to you. Be mindful and be grateful.
