Faiblesse

Frailty.Oh, how weak I am! Just when I thought I was strong, I met again a certain person and my happiness depends on this sole soul. How I pray that God will keep this person from harm and sin and even if I cannot be the reason for his well-being, how I want him still to be happy. 

Dear God, please answer my prayer. I am so unhappy, because I'm in the dark. I need to see the light. I need to know. 

Entourage

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I am lucky. I have many good friends who I love and love me, and they are always there for me whenever I need them. Some are good  at giving advice on jobs and career, and some teach me a lot about relationship, and few of them seem to know everything and I can seek their wisdom on every occassion, come rain or shine. Sometimes I talked to people I just knew and mentioned them as my best friends and then people would always end up asking, "so, how many best friends do you have, really?"

My entourage isn't exactly big. For the past few years I've been keeping the same best friends whom I know I can trust with my own life. They don't turn my alarm on since the first time I met them. I do have a strong sense about people and over the years I have relied on it very much when I make initial assesment on people. It may sound judgemental, but I learned that whenever I distrust this instinct, I always end up in trouble. I am naturally not very trusting, thanks to my upbringing, so I actually don't try to expand this circle. 

But in that circle there are two people, two very special people who knows more than the rest and I don't call them my besties. They're my soulmates. We were born to be friends, we're  not made to be. They are not people I know since I was a little, but since I knew them, it feels like I knew them forever. One thing I know for sure, when you have friends like these, you will always have enough love to give to other people, no matter how hurt you've been. And there's not a single day since I met them that I'm not grateful for their presence in my life. 

Keine Halbe Sache

How do you things by half? One thing I learned and remembered well from my professor in Berlin is "never do things by half." She almost always said these words in every lesson that it was well planted in my brain and became an ethos. 

But at times one must try to do things by half, it seems. My BFF, who knows almost all my romantic escapades, always admired my intensity whenever I'm in the mood for love. However, after my last misadventure, she told me, "maybe this time you should not hope too much."

But really, how do you half-hope? I can't imagine doing it. For me, there's either one way or the other. Either you hope, or you don't. You love, or you don't. I know that feelings vary; we tend to feel something more towards some people and less towards the rests. Naturally. But when it's something so strong, how do you do half a measure? 

It's a skill I have to learn, apparently. It will come handy, hopefully. If I keep continuing like this, I might end up not believing in anything anymore. 

Sombre Mood.

Lovely music for lousy feeling. Brahms usually more my preference and years ago I wouldn't imagine Poulenc would write something like this (my first experience of Poulenc music is the sonata for four hands which, at that time, sounded more like dogs barks). Well, there are many sides to an artist. And even the most sensible ones are allowed to be sentimental at times.  

Please.

Dear God,

Please answer my prayer. I need to know that You listen. I need to believe that prayer works, that it changes things. And I need to believe again so I don't give up hoping. Ever.

This Sucks.

Loving a gay guy and being in love with a gay guy are equally BIG feelings. But these two sentiments tend to go the opposite way and while one is enriching for human being, the other will mess your brain. 

If you have a gay bestfriend who confesses to you about his sexual preference, you will feel honored, trusted, and privileged. And the affection you have between you grow. And you know that you're special because you know that this kind of thing isn't the thing people say even to their parents. And you want to keep that trust and honor that privilege back by loving him and only sharing his secret with worms, i.e. when you're buried.   

Being in love with a gay guy, on the other hand, can make you feel like a retard, and you thought the whole time "How did I let myself go this far? How did I let my brain deceive me by denying all signs?" It's like you're on a low carb diet for a year so you keep eating carrots and cabbages and then found out that your body is actually plants intolerant and all of those veggies are making you sick and fat. Nothing good will come out of it (and to anybody who says the opposite, I challenge you to experience this yourself). This sucks. Big time.   

Hey, Love.

Rediscovering something you once fell in love deeply with is an amazing feeling. It's like finding a favorite object of the past, which you thought you've lost with no hope of getting back, and all of a sudden, it's there in front of you. It's like seeing a rainbow when you're looking to a clear sky. You thought, "oh, wow, how unlikely, but how lovely." It's too beautiful that you don't mind. 

And then all the feelings attached to this object return. Some of them nice, a lot of times fear comes along, which is only natural, because you know how precious it is now and you're afraid that you may not survive if it's lost again, but I think the best feeling you have is the warmth in your heart. And that will eventually erode all fear. 

Welcome back, love. And you, yes, you, thank you for bringing it back. I know now that I still have it in me. I'm super scared now, but I'm going to enjoy this revival, at least for a while. I forgot how beautiful it is, and I don't want to forget again.