Living with the Essentials

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Yes, life's good at the moment. I just found out another skeleton key to understanding life better. 

I was cleaning up my closet last night and got rid of things that I didn't need when it struck me again that at this moment, I am not lacking anything. I think it was very frustrating for my mum to see how I seem to not achieve anything tangible but I am still happy. But I remember, once in my not-so-interesting economics class, the first interesting thing my professor taught me was that happiness is created when there is no gap between what you want and what you actually have. The bigger the gap, the more profound your anguish is. But he said people often forget that what is more important in their lives are their needs. (There! You have it bold and underlined.)

If you ever do any decluttering in your life, you will know the first question that pops in your head when you pick up an object: keep or no keep? Then the second question: if it's a keep, will I ever use it? If the answer is no, the kept becomes no keep. Should be simple, huh? Well, not really. Normal people usually find it hard to part from an object. Answers to the second question usually is "no, but...(A. I'm sure I'll use it sometime in the future. B. It's so difficult to find it, I think I will keep it just in case. C. I will find a way to use it again. Pick one). Then the thing goes back to your store room so you can see it again on your next decluttering session. If you do any of this, change the question to: will I ever need it? 

Well, last night, I get rid a lot of stuffs I'm so proud. And that's the time when an invisible lightning struck me and told me that I don't need anything right now. All my needs, thank God the Almighty and the most Merciful, are fulfilled. Each and everyone of them in the Maslowian hierarchy of needs.

I'm telling you, it's so DAMN good to know this because it gives you a new mindset, i.e. I can still want things and not feeling unhappy when life presents me with something else, because I already have the essentials and even if my wishes are not granted, I can still live. And of course, I will always want things. I want more money. I want piano lessons once a week. I want a man. I want a romance. I want kids (preferably 2 boys and 1 girl which will be named Skylar, Stardust and Sunshine). I want to go to Oxford. I want to spend a gap year in Aix. I want to visit Madrid again, go out at 11 pm and come home in the morning (that would suit my lifestyle!). There are so many things I want. I will continue wanting it, and be happy with my life, because right now, I've got everything I need. I've got a place to hide, some clothes to keep me warm, a job I'm most passionate about (and thankfully pays the bills, too!), a family that loves and cares, awesome buddies, good friends, things I enjoy doing which can be done, .... I can go on forever. And the most cardinal of all these is that I got love, love, love!!! 

Please Do.

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Indecent Obsession

Oxford University, England

I once said to Sam that I must have been English in the previous life. My obsession with England put me in a league with Adolf Hitler. I always tell people that I will conquer Europe one day but I never admit that my biggest and deepest desire is to finally settle in the insula Albionum. And should God granted my wish, I have long set my eyes on a place called Oxford. 

Since I began a lifelong love affair with English literature, I always fancy myself going to Oxford and eventually to its university to learn everything from Shakespeare to Dickens and from Chaucer to Byron and Joyce. Last night I watched again "An Education" and I decided to put that picture above in my vision journal. Well, you never know! Living cost and tuition fee for a student life there would be a killer, but dreaming is free of charge. In any case, I might try my hands on a distance learning course. They have some really interesting subjects and they're all affordable. 

Dum spiro spero :-) 

Will Love Him...

Leonardo DiCaprio by Annie Leibovitz

...till the day I die. :-)

On Losing Love

One of my dearest teacher, who also became a very good friend of mine, text me this afternoon and asked: "How do you heal your wound when you lost someone so very important in your life?" This isn't a question out of the blue. She just lost her mother 2 months ago and she still is overwhelmed by this tremendous, most devastating grief.  

I've lost important people in my life before, and I'm sure everybody has, too. It can be caused by separation caused by time or space or by more complicated stuffs like religion or life perspective, and ultimately, by death. It doesn't make me an expert, but I've learned something from the sad situation and what I know is that...

...Love (with a capital L) is the only thing that can cure you after it hurts you. Unlike other things in this world, when something gives you pain, you take something else to remedy it. But when love hurts you, the only way to get better is by loving again. 

...special people are special not because, quoting Maya Angelou here, of what they say, nor what they do, but how they make you feel. Each one of them pulls a chair in the high office of your soul because no one else among your 5302 Facebook friends can make you feel the way you feel when you're with them. 

...you can never forget people who give you love then take that love again and break your heart. No matter how hard you try, they will always be there in the corner of your brain, pulsating quietly between memories. But you can forgive what they've done, and when you do that, you liberate yourself from pain. 

...there is probably one BIG love in your life. Some people are lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of their lives with it. Others, not so much. But little loves, added together, can also fill your heart. They will not be the same, but they will sustain your existence. 

...when you lose love, surround yourself with more love in order to survive.

...when you have to choose two difficult things, and you're so scared about how the result may turn out, choose the option that promises more love at the end of the journey.

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Dance to the Music

“Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.” Angela Monet

It's quite difficult to explain passion to other people. Each and every one of us is different in what makes us tick and what makes our hearts blossoms. 

For the nth time I had an argument with my mum about my choice of career. But this time I didn't say anything much, I just sat there and listened to all she had to say. I didn't want to say anything, because I've explained myself time and time again and I don't think she would listen nor try to understand. So it's no use. I'm saving my breath and a lot of sin. 

It's started when my mum knew that I was organising (yet) another workshop. It was a small project which could easily be done impromptu, and as usual, I was merely facilitating a friend who wished to share his knowledge and other friends who I think would benefit from this workshop. No harm done, and the expense was super small and easily reimbursed by participation fees. I knew I won't be getting a penny out of it, but I wasn't losing money either. No harm done. But I felt really, really happy doing this. Especially because my friend turned out to be really good at sharing and some people who came to the workshop really felt an impact. And that's my fee. 

But my mum couldn't understand this. She always says that the best appreciation and acknowledgement you can get for all your hard work is in form of money. Otherwise, it's bullshit. In a way it can be right. But in some things, especially in things you care about the most in life, you would give all out and even if you don't get anything else in return, you would still be very, very content. And I don't understand why she can't get it. She's a mother. All the hard work she has ever done to raise me and my brother will not return to her in the form of cash. We will never be able to pay her back for everything she has ever done to us, even if we can collect all gold in this world. 

I've tried to stop. It only worked for a month, two weeks of which I had to because I was ill. But I couldn't stop myself from thinking about projects, I kept hatching ideas about what I can do to improve the classical music community, a place where I live and breathe and get busy, and I can't stop dreaming that someday Bandung will be another important concert destination in the world. Why shouldn't it be? And why can't it be? It's got everything it needs to be good, and I just need to keep working on it. 

This could be a long way, especially if I see that after 4 years of doing camp, the number of people in Bandung who are interested in educating themselves can be counted with my ten fingers. But then 4 years ago, there was no one. Those ten lived in their own shells, were comfortable with their own world view, not knowing that they can have better existence if only they get better in what they do. And now they know that they want to be good at something, and they can be. They do not rest their case and spend the next 40 years of their life making ends meet. So I am aware with the fact that my dream will come true only when I start to have an awful lot of grey hairs in my head, but that's fine by me. At least till then I will have things to look forward to, and I won't be living each and every day expecting nothing. It's good to hope, and it's giving me direction. I may have to drive a long way, but I'm on the right track, and I consider it a blessing, because I know that a lot of people out there just don't have any clue about what they want their lives to be.

But it's not easy to explain, I know. Especially since my mum is one of those people who thinks that the only track there is for a woman is to raise a family and have kids. Or at least if you don't do that, you should devote your time to domestic chores. And stop making debts each year or paying foreign artists so that local artists can become better musicians. She thinks I'm stupid and crazy because metaphorically, I'm one of those nuts who dance alone. She can't feel my music. And she won't be able to feel it, because we don't listen to the same music. 

So instead of trying to make her hear, I will try to make her read. I hope she will someday be interested in what I do and what I write and come to an understanding, that I am not her. I will never be her, because we were not raised by the same people and we didn't grow up in the same circumstances. I was not a product of a broken marriage and thank God my parents were always with jobs so I don't have to quit school so I can contribute to the household. Maybe that made me spoiled. But I considered it a bliss. Because it gave me the chance to read a lot, to see the world, to know great many people, to discover my passion, and to live up to my calling. Unless I have to, I will never be one of those natural women who wakes up early and milks the cow for the whole family. But I know that I have another purpose in this world, and I'm serving it. And it's good enough for me, even with nothing in my bank account. Hopefully someday it will be good enough for her, too. 

Overcoming Disappointment

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” (Thomas Hardy)

And that is why, disappointment is one of the emotions in this world that is quite difficult to overcome.

Naturally, disappointment happens when the reality does not meet expectation. When the expectation is great, then there are all emotions in it: hope, joy, desire, longing, excitement, anticipation... We invest a lot of time and energy in it. Then, poof. It disappears. 

My disappointment today is caused by a lie. Funny kind of lie, though. Some people lie to you outright. They twist the truth, the real story, and they tell you different things. Most of the time, it's things you want to hear, so you can be happy with this crafted reality. But some people don't tell that kind of lie. They lie by not saying the truth. They lie by not saying anything, when they should have said something. To me, it's just as bad. 

But hope is, as Martin Luther King said, infinite. Once healed, I will hope again, I know that. And I have my music. I always do, and it's always a good, comfortable place to turn to. Because I believe in Jimi Hendrix when he said that "Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world, then it can only happen through music." And so, I will change my sorrow into song. 

Time Out

I'm starting "The Audacity of Hope", a book written by the US President when he was still a senator. And I found this writing, at the opening section of the book. 

"By all appearances, my choice of careers seemed to have worked out. ... But the years had also taken their toll. ... I began to harbor doubts about the path I had chosen; I began feeling the way I imagine an actor or athlete must feel when, after years of commitment to a particular dream, after years of waiting tables between auditions or scratching out hits in the minor leagues, he realizes that he's gone just about as far as talent or fortune will take him. The dream will not happen, and he now faces the choice of accepting this fact like a grown-up and moving on to more sensible pursuits, or refusing the truth and ending up bitter, quarrelsome, and slightly pathetic."

I don't want to be bitter, quarrelsome and pathetic, especially not when I'm 40 and my dream of having a classical music community with quality I can be proud of is still not happening. So it's good to stop now. Maybe it's time to do other things that I love. Maybe I should read more Dickens, refresh my German and French, listen to my old CDs as well as the new ones, the ones I stacked without listen to because I simply didn't have time to open the package, and back to practising piano, my core training. But it's really good to know that even people like Obama stop for a while. It's comforting to know that I'm entitled to this break. And here's why. 

"At some point, I arrived at acceptance--of my limits, and in a way, my mortality. ... And it was this acceptance, I think, that allowed me to come up with the thoroughly cockeyed idea of running for the United States Senate."

Einstein said, no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. After four years, all I did was what Einstein called insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result. I must step away from all these problems which occurs in the classical music world in my country, if possible to a higher place, so I can see them from different perspective, and hopefully, with a higher level of consciousness. Then I'll be able to find a solution. At this moment, I'm too close to everything, too attached to the cause and the people so I can't break my own recurring habits of thought. The problem I'm facing is also complex, and it needs time. The solution will not happen at once. But when I finally does find a simple one, it means God is answering. And I know God will.