Maybe

Maybe, one of the reason I don't want to have kids anymore is that I don't want to feel that I have done so much for them by bringing them to the world and so that their sole purpose in life is to obey each and every command I give them. 

Just maybe. 

A lot of times my mum makes me feel like that. 

Like I don't deserve to have a life if it's not according to her rules nor standard. It's so frustrating. And limiting. It's a chain. And it's not liberating. 

And I don't want to do the same thing to someone else. Especially if they are my kids. 

Loneliness is...

...not being able to say what you feel. To someone. To anyone.

Work

Camille Pissarro: The Woodcutter

There's nothing like work, a real hard work, to soothe a weary heart.

(And watching Rafa Nadal winning a tennis match.)

Random Text

I love random text. And I love people who send it. (So save your money on flowers. Just text me with something totally irrelevant.)

Random text lets you know that the person sending it is thinking of you right at that moment. And it's great to be remembered out of the blue, in the middle of a day, be it hectic, lousy, or just ordinary. Makes you feel kinda special, no? :-)

Sombre Mood.

Lovely music for lousy feeling. Brahms usually more my preference and years ago I wouldn't imagine Poulenc would write something like this (my first experience of Poulenc music is the sonata for four hands which, at that time, sounded more like dogs barks). Well, there are many sides to an artist. And even the most sensible ones are allowed to be sentimental at times.  

This Sucks.

Loving a gay guy and being in love with a gay guy are equally BIG feelings. But these two sentiments tend to go the opposite way and while one is enriching for human being, the other will mess your brain. 

If you have a gay bestfriend who confesses to you about his sexual preference, you will feel honored, trusted, and privileged. And the affection you have between you grow. And you know that you're special because you know that this kind of thing isn't the thing people say even to their parents. And you want to keep that trust and honor that privilege back by loving him and only sharing his secret with worms, i.e. when you're buried.   

Being in love with a gay guy, on the other hand, can make you feel like a retard, and you thought the whole time "How did I let myself go this far? How did I let my brain deceive me by denying all signs?" It's like you're on a low carb diet for a year so you keep eating carrots and cabbages and then found out that your body is actually plants intolerant and all of those veggies are making you sick and fat. Nothing good will come out of it (and to anybody who says the opposite, I challenge you to experience this yourself). This sucks. Big time.   

Damn!

Source: californiaclosetblog.com

Why am I not writing anything since May?!???

Not good. 

But juggling 8-13-job with 14-18-teaching and 19-24-project-work is no walk in the park. I realised that as much as I like working, too much is too much. And having a regular office hour seriously cramped my style. I felt choked, chained, stuffed, and burned out faster than gasoline.

Fortunately my employers who also happens to be my GOOD friends (haha!) understood very much and gave me my freedom back. They didn't grant my wish to resign but they gave some room for flexibility including about my office hour and limited my responsibilities. Nice people! I'm so grateful. 

But it's really difficult to get back into old habits once you've abandoned them. I stop exercising during fasting month and now I can only manage 2 days a week to walk on the treadmill. My time management when it comes to sport sucks big time. I also stop writing on my gratitude journal when the preparation for the June festival escalated. Shameful, I know. It's strange though. Why does it seem that only the good habits leave you when you're busy? And you start developing bad ones, like eating whatever it is you can find on the fridge, praying super fast with your mind wandering around, or sleeping late or very little (I was sleeping for 4-5 hours a night for the past 6 months and now I still sleep that much even though my body needs more and I have plenty of time to indulge in this luxury.) Somebody should start a research on that. 

Enough with this nonsense, though. It's time to go back to healthy living and try to find some good, solid rhythm for everything. And it starts with sleep.

NOW would be a good time, Mutia. Off to bed. 

Best Present Ever!

Rafa's eight finals in Rome! After a very fierce performance on clay, his happy hunting ground, beating Berdych with straight sets, Rafa will be in another final on clay. Super comeback ever. Love this guy forever.

 

www.atpworldtour.com

Humanity

What is going on with human species?

Lately I've been reading or watching or accidentally coming across a story of human cruelty which sent shivers all over my body (one story was so horribly graphic it made me vomit and gave me nightmares for a couple of days). Tonight I watched "The World without Ends" which portrayed the tyranny of English lords and nobles in the 14th century which made me think: what is wrong with people?

Animals will hunt only for food. And once their hunger is satisfied, they will leave their pray. But mankind, with brains which are capable of thinking, can sometime act more than animals. They can think of super mean things to do to other people and they can use all ways possible to get what they want.

Sometimes I'm afraid of losing my faith in humanity. But babies born every minute are proof that God are not yet tired of us.

(C) Frank Shepard Fairey

I probably must ditch TV altogether.  Except Sesame Street.

Plato on Love

Poets often talk of Eros (more widely known by his Roman name, Cupid) but Plato the philosopher made a lovely description of Eros and his brother Anteros (literally means "love returned"), who many times doesn' t put into a love story.

Marble sculpture of Eros and Anteros by François-Joseph LeClercq (1755-1826)

"Love - Eros - makes his home in men's hearts, but not in every heart, for where there is hardness he departs. His greatest glory is that he cannot do wrong nor allow it; force never comes near him. For all men serve him of their own free will. And he whom Love touches not walks in darkness.

Anteros is given to his brother, Eros, who was lonely, because love must be answered if it is to prosper. It is the result of a great love for another person. The lover, inspired by beauty, is filled with divine love and filling the soul of the loved one with love in return. As a result, the loved one falls in love with the lover, though the love is only spoken of as friendship. They experience pain when the two are apart, and relief when they are together."

Silence

"Silence is a source of great strength." -Lao Tzu

www.footosdotcom.deviantart.com

I usually love silence, and can spend days with it, but when you're trying to get an answer from someone but all he's giving you is an empty space with charged atmosphere, silence can kill you softly. But on the other hand, I respect this silence. When you don't know what to say, you better say nothing. People are often uncomfortable with it, and then try to say something, with disastrous result. I've done that myself, and I regretted it. So I'll let it be. 

I've been trying to interpret this silence, with no use. So I'm waiting for this silence to break. But it is true. Silence has given me great strength. To keep praying, when the chance of success seems minuscule, to be patient, and to persevere. 

On Writers

www.mi9.com

10 signs that you're a writer (reblogged from Writers Write):

1. You constantly edit. Whether it’s while you’re driving down the street and pass a misspelled sign, or grammatical errors in Facebook posts, you fix errors constantly in your mind—and sometimes not so silently. 

2. You’re highly observant. And not only do you notice things all the time, but you file them away in your I could write about this later folder. 

3. You often ask, “How could I describe this?” You don’t ignore your life experiences—everything from walking outside during a torrential downpour, to burning yourself while cooking, to taking the first bite of a piping-hot homemade chocolate chip cookie can be used in your writing, and you often pause to think about how you would describe it in words. 

4. You have a hyperactive imagination. There’s never a dull moment in that head of yours—your imagination is always working on overtime to keep you entertained and give you fresh ideas. 

5. You feel inspired to write after reading a good book. Enough said. 

6. You often daydream about your WIPs. Your characters never completely leave you— they walk alongside you throughout the day and give you new ideas when you least expect it. 

7. You feel guilty if you haven’t written anything in a while. What a “while” is depends, but after a writing hiatus, a part of you begins to demand that you get back to the keyboard and reprimands you if you don’t. 

8. Grammar jokes are funny. Well, they are. 

9. You can’t get enough books. After all, every new book is a couple hours worth of inspiration. 

10. You keep doing this writing thing. It doesn’t matter if you’re not published, if no one else cares if you continue to write, if you don’t make a penny off of the words that you put on the page—none of that matters, because you’ll continue to write anyway.

So Said Johnny.

Photo (C) Meirita Artanti Putri

A Good Idea

I've been wanting, hoping, dreaming, wishing and dying for a proper concert venue in Bandung for quite some time. Yesterday my favorite band, Doric String Quartet, posted this picture below while they were visiting Pennsylvania for a concert. I suppose a book store (or whatever store) that hosts concerts can be interesting. Classical music fans can get an added bonus of browsing books while they're waiting for the concert to start, and people who don't really like classical music can hear it while they were reading. We might even get new audience. Also the store can support the running of the venue when no event is taking place. 

  

Now I'm gonna have to find out how to sell this ideas to my friends & the community :-)

Yeah.

www.piccsy.com

The best cure...

...for heartache is practice. 

Lots and lots of 'em. 

The Science of Flirting

"I'm a terrible flirt."

Said the man I've been waiting for, who managed to occupy my mind the whole time since I first met him four years ago, although I met him very, very briefly.

And he is. I can't deny it because it's a fact.

And I hate it, with all my heart. We were talking and having lunch in my favourite cafe, and all of a sudden I lost my appetite. He was standing and getting a picture of the cafe and he managed to flirt with a girl he saw nearby. And every time he speaks a little too nicely with a waitress or throws a more-than-usual appreciative glance at someone, something inside me dies a little.

I don't blame men in particular for flirting. Women, we, do flirt, too. Although, however, funnily, I don't have any female friends around me who is a terrible flirt. I think woman only flirts when they really want something to happen. That can be either a one-night stand or a real relationship, but I don't know any woman who flirts just because they enjoy the process, or because it makes them feel good about themselves.

So, I don't know why men flirt. And I seriously can't understand why some men are a natural born flirt. It's probably hormonal, but it doesn't make it forgiveable. God grants them brain who are capable of thinking and controlling their behaviour, so it doesn't make it acceptable.

And flirting can be fatal to relationship, both potential or ongoing. When one side flirts, it hurts the other side, because it makes them think that they're not good enough. It makes them feel insecure. And it can erode whatever affectionate feeling they have.

My King of Clay

Finally! Rafa broke Roland Garros' record and became the first player ever to win 7 times. It was big for him, everybody can tell, because he went straight to his team, family and friends a few seconds after victory. Such a humble player and made me admire and adore him even more ❤❤❤

www.rolandgarros.com

Now Rafa is heading to Halle before taking part in Wimbledon. I look forward to spending my short summer vacation following Rafa on grass :-)

Rafa, yet again!

I know that my fondness (to put it in a moderate way) for Rafael Nadal  makes my opinion biased, but he is totally AMAZING. Definitely my king of clay. This year Rafa is back to Roland Garros' finale for the 7th time without losing any set. I really hope he's going to hold the Muskateers Cup again, beating Roger on final!

www.rolandgarros.com

Love him...

..at the first sight.

www.piccsy.com