Ego Play

Ego can destroy relationship. It works by taking over the better version of yourself and make you think you're better, smarter, wiser than others. When someone tells you something your ego doesn't want to hear, it will make you unable to digest the information with a clear mind and you end up either hating that person (although what he or she said may be true) or you end up blaming yourself too harshly. 

It is always good to check yourself. When something happens that leaves you feeling shabby, ask yourself: is it your feeling or your ego that is hurt? I find most of the time when I feel bad or upset about something, it is actually my ego that is bruised. And the moment I can discern that, the easier it is for me to let go and put things back in perspective. 

I think it is easier for people now to spoil themselves. Social medias feed people's need of attention, entitlement and affirmation, all things which, if real, must be earned. You can get recognition simply from posting things, and people don't often check whether it's valid, true, or important. It can be just funny and even stupid, but if you keep doing this, you still get acknowledgement. And the more of these you get, the bigger your ego can grow.

Hanya Yanagihara's wrote in her book called "A Little Life" which I find precious:

"...the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are - not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving - and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad - or good - it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well."

In this era of virtual connection where everything can be fake and used to blow up your ego, it's always good to keep people in your life whom you can trust to tell you right in the face whenever you screw up or when you do something totally despicable. Why? Firstly, because they will keep your feet on the ground. And secondly, when your ego is so crushed that you can't stand up, they will also be the ones who pick you up on and help you get back on your feet. 

On Brexit

Brexit is such a disappointment, even for me who might not suffer direct consequences of the decision made by the majority of Brits. 

This guy in Tumblr voiced my sentiment exactly:

"Brexit is scary. And not just because Britain will be leaving the EU but because it once again shows the amount of support right wing parties all across Europe have gained in the past few years. How successful they are in spreading racism, fear and lies f**king terrifies me. And all that just because they think they are somehow superior to others. The way Europe (and the world) is headed right now is alarming."

Britain has been an object of my affection...probably since my days in the womb (as my mum is also a fan). I basically spent my entire life up reading books by English authors and this fondness never ceases. I started with a lot of Enid Blyton, switched to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie during late childhood, then spoiled my troublesome, tumultous, and romantic, adolescent years with mum's Mills and Boon, fell madly in love classic English writers and poets from Shakespeare, Shelley, Dickens, the Brontes, Austen (too many Victorian, yes, I know) and discovered the more modern ones such as Maugham and Durell. So the Brits are always in my life, fictionally. Then in real life I had three great years of working with a superawesome British boss who taught me most of what I know today about how to be professional and also some British musicians which I find among the smartest, funniest, most self-deprecating creatures on earth despite their talents. All so refreshing. So the country and the people are always a favourite. 

Britain in the past has also been known (at least from what I read and knew and it is possible that I know only very little) as the friendliest country in Europe towards strangers. It is not easily shaken by attacks (after the London bombing, people there were the quickest to recover) and as Muslim especially, the Brits have always seemed to be at ease with their presence in their land. The Brits I know also are the most open to differences and have showed respect in understanding cultures other than theirs (although sometimes I know it beats the living daylight out of them as to why some people are so "not English"....lol.)

So the first feeling I get from the Brexit is that somehow Britain can't even escape this wave of hatred that is now spread globally out of fear and prejudice and ignorance. It is scary. I am afraid this will raise more right wing movements all over Europe and then the world will be split into tiny little pieces again. I am especially anxious about the life of many Muslims refugees in Europe after this. I already read a lot of stories of how hard their life is even after leaving their conflicted homes, and I can't imagine the adversity they will face after this. 

I know that in the long run things will swing back to balance and probably my angst will prove to be nonsense. The world goes like a wheel, and I've noticed that many times, a downward movement will be countered by an upward movement in the other pole of the globe. But let's not wait. As individual I think there is not a more urgent moment to spread love and tolerance and kindness towards others who are not like us and to try to live with differences peacefully. Politics are strong, and evil, and it has done more damages in the past few years than goods, but I also know that individuals matter and can play a significant role in bringing change. There are so many examples. HONY writer alone can collect up to 2 million dollars for cancer patients in New York. There are hundreds of posts in Tumblr asking people to donate for someone they know who are severely ill, and people help. Just google. And the most important thing is you have to believe enough in humanity and the capacity and capability of human race to be kind to start to be kind yourself. Politics divide, but we will unite.

Now. 

Thank You.

This Ramadhan is definitely the most difficult in my entire life. 

Sleep disruption is bad news for sclerosis. Stress is a no go, and the fact that my BFF has crisis that affects our relationship doesn't help either. So I haven't been able to play piano properly for the past four weeks because my fingers are swelling and aching, and I can't stretch. It's rather frustrating when you have to arpeggiate so many chords (and it doesn't sound nice either, especially for Mozart). My whole body is aching which makes dozing off and getting up so difficult (I had to cancel a lesson once because I simply couldn't dragged myself off of bed) and my face feels weird because of the amount of steroid I've taken. 

But the silver lining is that all of these troubles come in this special, most anticipated month in the Islamic calendar, so I find myself enjoying more and more of my alone time with God, happily look forward to the midnight prayer to pour my heart out. 

So...to him who tests my patience and my sincerity of action, who continues to make me wonder if I did something terrible in the past and keeps me repenting for my mistakes, who pushes me away and still shows no signs of pulling back (although I still pray that he does)....I want to thank you. You've made my Ramadhan all the more special. 

And to God, thank You. For everything. For all the tears, the fears, the anger and the exasperation that lead me to resignation. For drawing me closer to You. I read a book once in the chemo lounge that it's actually You who draws close to people who are ill. I don't know what I've done to deserve such privilege, but I am forever grateful. 

The Problem with People with Problem

One of my besties is having a major crisis in his life and it's been going on for 3 months now. 

When it started, he admitted that he wasn't happy and we agreed to give each other space since we became easily irritated by each other. He had this low tides episodes before in his life but he always bounced back, so I thought I'll wait for him to come around. 

Except this time he hasn't. Then I realised that this time, it's serious. 

Now here's the problem with people with problem. When it's severe and chronic, they got caught in it that their problem becomes their identity. They begin with having a distorted view about important things in life that later infects everything they see and hear. And since most of the perception is negative, thus the irritation. Of course, their personality also changes. Even the kindest, most lovable, charming and warm people can turn into asswipes overnight. The difficult thing is, they will also take you for granted, simply because no one else is available. They don't appreciate the fact that you see right through them but you still stick around because you still believe that there's a better version of them inside that moron you still call a friend. They don't say thank you, they forget to say please, and waiting for their apologies regarding their less-than-acceptable behavior will be like waiting for the Haley comet. They are insensitive to your needs but once you forget theirs, they will make you feel like the most horrible human on the planet. 

(sigh)

However, friendship, if it's real, and love, if there's one in it, are not that easy to destroy. The funny thing when you love a person is that you don't always like their little traits, but you still love him/her as a whole (which is the opposite when you dislike a person: you can like their little traits, but you can't stand their whole existence). So you sigh. And you shrug, for the hundreth time, and proceed to find something to do to amuse yourself while your friend is battling their demons. You just hope that he wakes up one day with a realisation that he's not helping himself by pushing away people who care about him. You pray that he'll eventually open up, seek help, and get back to normal.

The problem with people with problem is that they can be difficult to deal with. But they can teach you so much about love, kindness, generosity, compassion, patience, and empathy. All features of strength that doesn't always come with muscles and steroids. And if that doesn't help, you can always walk away and add another lesson about the art of letting go.  

Keeping It Real

People on Facebook scare me. 

I have experience where people can be different online and on the real life. I once knew a girl who was also a musician in the city and although we didn't really know each other personally, we know that we're in the same community. Also we met sometimes in concerts that I organised. She used to send me messages through Facebook asking a lot of stuff. I happily answered them because she was so nice and very supportive of my work. Once I told her about the obstacles I have and he sent me "a warm, big hugs and a lot of kisses to make me feel better". I was moved. Until I actually held a conversation with her. 

At that time she enrolled in one of the music camps and before the camp started, I used to hold a briefing for all the participants. When she came I had recalled how nice she was on Facebook so I was greeting her with warmth and friendliness but her replied froze me. She was cold and distant and didn't seem to have any recollection whatsoever about our conversation online. I had thought maybe she just had a bad day, but after a week, she didn't change. And she was the same with everyone at the camp. 

It didn't traumatise me, but after that incident I certainly don't form opinion as quickly as I was before about people I met online. I would wait until I shake their hands in person in real life. Flesh and blood.

That was 4 years ago. 

Now, people are worse. It's a whole new game out there and I wonder how people got super ugly these days. What happened to good manners, honesty and sincerity? 

I happened to know a guy, let's say A, who told my BFF something bad about someone else (also a guy I knew, let's say B). It was not only unpleasant but also strange as he was telling this story in front of a bunch of people. We couldn't really know for sure if it's the truth but even if it did, he sounded like he was about to smear someone's reputation. Why would you do that? We decided that maybe something happened between them and A got so angry. 

But a while after that, I started seeing A following B on Facebook, liking his posts, making friendly comments, as if they were buddies. A also told me that he's been consulting B on some matters, asking his expert opinion, and recently we spotted them together in a concert, sitting next to each other and chatting friendly. It was so disturbing. 

I also find strange nowadays that people can hate someone so much in the real life but liking their posts on Facebook or making supportive even admiring comments. I had many cases where I met with a friend who later told me how so and so made him/her absolutely crazy with their behaviour but on Facebook they seem on friendly terms. Seriously, what is going on? Is this some new game that people play? 

My other BFF told me not to worry. She said she has found that long ago. In the military world where she lives, the beaureaucracy and the strata have somehow forced people to show their support through this 'like' button especially to someone important because they're in the more inferior position and this small, petty, insignificant gesture could prove to be helpful in their career. She said she got used to that and she simply tags the people she thinks are fake in her mind and just acts more careful around them. 

So, has the 'like' button become some sort of political button these days? It looks to me that people don't just like something in pure terms like how people like a certain food because it's yummy, but because they also want to support someone, they want to be a part of their society, they want to be seen as their follower, or whatever reasons that suited their own intentions. I'm not saying it's bad. It's totally fine. What's awful is when they can't actually stand the real person and even go so far as to destroy someone's name. 

It honestly scares the hell out of me. These days I'm using Facebook just to get in touch with someone and post work-related publicity, but otherwise I'd rather spend more time doing concrete, tangible things like reading or practicing. It's less crowded, and sometimes lonely, but at least it's real.