Tired, but thank you.

Yes, it's another financial failure in my project and I've lost everything.

I'm super tired.

I should stop being so stupid. I should stop wanting to do this. Obviously, I'm the worst financial manager ever. And I should know when to stop and say enough. Stopping doesn't mean final. I can stop for a while and continue later. Or maybe I will stop and I will actually feel okay.

But thank you, all you wonderful people out there who helped me, both morally and financially. You help without asking question, without judging, without saying anything that would make me feel even worse than my lowest. You will always be in my prayer.

Maybe

Maybe, one of the reason I don't want to have kids anymore is that I don't want to feel that I have done so much for them by bringing them to the world and so that their sole purpose in life is to obey each and every command I give them. 

Just maybe. 

A lot of times my mum makes me feel like that. 

Like I don't deserve to have a life if it's not according to her rules nor standard. It's so frustrating. And limiting. It's a chain. And it's not liberating. 

And I don't want to do the same thing to someone else. Especially if they are my kids. 

Chair Therapy

In the last hypnotherapy workshop I attended, all the participants were given a chair therapy. The purpose of this is to settle a dispute or misunderstanding between two people. It can be ourselves with someone else, or as therapist we can help someone who has problem with someone else.

This is how it works: The subject of the therapy sits in a chair. She must put two other chairs that form a triangle with her own chair. One chair is for the person with whom she has a conflict, and one is for someone in a neutral position who will not take side with both of them. Then she puts them (imaginary) in a chair according to her choice. After the induction (this is a process where the therapist takes the subject to her subconscious level), subject can sit in the other people's chair and her subconscious mind will tell her what that person really feel.

I immediately wanted to do it because I was having a problem with one of my besties. He has grown quiet for a few days and I sensed that I had wronged him somehow, but I couldn't figure out what I've said or done that upset him. I thought he was angry. But when I took his chair, I gradually felt an immense sadness and finally something came back to me. Something I said. When I went back to my conscious state of mind, I knew that he wasn't mad. He was just sad. Very, very sad. And the reason is because he couldn't become something I wish him to be.

After that I realised something. Sometimes people you love will choose to do or to be something that makes your heart feel heavy. But you know that there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes you just have to let them have their choices and still love them no matter what. You may pray for a change and you may believe in the power of prayer, but in the meantime, you gotta show them that you will still be there even if you don't always see eye to eye. That is, if you really love them. Many times, love is really enough. There's no need to understand, nor to accept. Just love.

The Point

Basically the physics of praying is, you keep praying until you come to the point where God tells you that you have to stop praying because something else is on the way. 

I haven't arrived at that the point, yet. Maybe I won't, which means that my wish will be granted. Or maybe I don't want to. Being the hopeless romantic that I am, I'd like to think that God wants me to keep praying. The thing is, granted or not, this trial has made me closer to Him. I'm enjoying it. I'm cherishing every moment when I wake up in the middle of the night and pour all my hearts content. The best thing about praying is that I know He knows already what's on my heart and my mind and yet He listens. He always does. Thankfully He isn't like human beings who'll say, "Oh, c'mon. Tell me something new."

But seriously, praying is nice. I'm glad I have a god to whom I can ask something. I'm glad I don't have to work out everything by myself. Life can be so tiring sometime and people can be so disappointing. At times you can't count on them and you have to simply accept that to some people, you will always be second. It's so good to know that I always have a last resort. And that I will always do.  

Loneliness is...

...not being able to say what you feel. To someone. To anyone.

Surprise, surprise.

A friend texted me last night and told me she was sorry for anything wrong she might have done or said. 

Three days before, she and her friends did something very rude that hurt my feeling. It would have hurt anyone, but the fact that they did it made it even worse. They didn't apologise the next day, but I knew from the look in their eyes that they had felt awful about it. 

But she was the only one who apologised. She probably wasn't sure what she did exactly that made me gave her (and his friends) a cold shoulder, but the fact that she came to me and admitted she was wrong proved to me that she still has a clear conscience. She just knew she did something bad, and she wasn't feeling all right about it. Obviously. 

People can really be surprising. Those who you thought were close may not find you important and can easily ditch you for something else. People who you thought were feeble actually have the courage to acknowlege their mistakes and do something about it.

I learn that whenever I'm angry or hurt by what other people did to me, the best way to simmer down is to try to understand. And what I conclude so far is that people have different views on relationship and they may not be able to really fulfill your expectation. Thus the anger and pain and disappointment. But you can always control your reaction. Some people may  not want to get attached to anything or anyone so while you're happy being attached to them, they may not feel the same. In any case, you're the one who must make adjustment because they won't change unless they feel the need to change. Detach yourself from them, or be kind to them like you would be kind on people you've just met on the street. Whatever. People just aren't perfect and they will let you down, that's just the way it is.  

Source: tumblr

And one more thing: God has a funny way of showing us what we need to see. Sometimes we're so fixated on something or someone and give all our attention to it or to them, when there's actually something or someone else that really need our efforts or our prayer or our companionship. And a lot of times, they deserve it more. 

Make Room

Here's another thing I know.

Love means acceptance. Loving someone means you would accept them for who and what they are. But this doesn't mean that you must always be happy with what their choices and actions. When you love someone, it doesn't mean that you must not feel sad and troubled by their conduct, especially when it goes against your values. Yes, it's all right to not be okay about some of the things they do. 

And so vice versa. People who love you may not always approve your decision. It may not be easy for them to accept some of your lifestyle. But guess what, if they know that that's just who you are, they may still stick around anyway and keep their sentiments or opinions to themselves and wish you the best of luck so that you won't suffer at the end. 

When you love and are loved, you gotta make room for these little doubts and pains and not let them destroy the relationship. Allowing and accepting other people or ourselves to feel this make the relationship even stronger and healthier. Because even when the object of your affection doesn't always make you happy, you don't love them any less. 

And that's love. Real love. 

Mouthful of Forevers

I am not the first person you loved.
You are not the first person I looked at
with a mouthful of forevers. We
have both known loss like the sharp edges
of a knife. We have both lived with lips
more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
unannounced in the middle of the night.
Our love came when we’d given up
on asking love to come. I think
that has to be part
of its miracle.

This is how we heal.
I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
will bandage and we will press promises
between us like flowers in a book.
I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
of your nose. I will write a dictionary
of all the words I have used trying
to describe the way it feels to have finally,
finally found you.

And I will not be afraid
of your scars.

I know sometimes
it’s still hard to let me see you
in all your cracked perfection,
but please know:
whether it’s the days you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I will love you when you are a still day.
I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Clementine von Radics

Soulmate

Soulmate

"A person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful." (Urban Dictionary)

Dear God,

I'm trying to understand, that this person you've sent to me, will forever stay in that realm, that sphere, that space where he will never be just a best friend but he can't also be my family. He will be my everything, but he can't have everything from me. He will have my love for the rest of my life, but he can't have me. Nor I him. 

I can't figure this out, yet. I'm trying to comprehend because with comprehension come acceptance, but it's difficult. Still. I'm still praying though. So he can move closer.   

Some People

Having two nephews and two nieces with completely different characters totally convinced me that people are born with their own inclinations. That's why kids aren't born with manuals, because each and every one of them is different. Careful, observant and smart parents would identify this early and try to direct them towards a good path. But of course, it's not easy to do so. A lot of times they apply same techniques and methods in handling completely two different items and expecting the same result, but end in failure. But parents are just human, and their intentions are always good. At the end it's always that intention that we judge, not the action. (And although some people judge poorly, it's good to know that this is the fairest form of judgement.) 

Anyway, this writing is inspired by a trouble I have with a minor arse. I said minor because he's actually not so bad, only that he has certain feeble, unrespectable traits that sometime surface and make him totally incomprehensible as a human being. I'm trying to understand why he is so, and finally concludes that he's probably born that way and that his upbringing emphasised that malbehaviour. 

Unfortunately, we can't escape from this kind of people sometime, both at personal as well as professional lives. 

Which leads me to conclusion that there are four types of people in this world. 

Some people are lovely and kind at heart and make great friends but totally suck at work. You put this people in your personal life. 

Some people just bring the worst in you personally, but you need them to get the job done. These are people you tolerate during office hours and not a minute longer. 

Some people suck at being an individual and a professional. These people are you greet cordially in the street and never invite to your home. 

Some people are just great because spending time with them on projects is just as fun as doing nothing together. These are the people you keep close to you at all times, if possible your whole life. They are rare, because they are gems. I myself don't have plenty of people like this in my life, but the few I have are the ones I'm most grateful for. 

Just Love

Why does a relationship between man and woman has to be either amical, physical, or romantic? Why can't it be spiritual? Why don't people believe that such connection can exist between man and woman without romance and sexual attraction involved? And why does every relationship have to be defined? I'm tired of answering questions. I just want to feel, to love, to give, and to pray. I don't want to think, to analyse, to put names on whatever it is I'm having. It's making me happy. Why can't I have it? Why can't we go back being kids and just do? Just love. Period.  

Spiritual Love

I thought I made this up.

When some of my BFF asked me how I feel about him, I told them that I feel "spiritually connected." I've never had this kind of relationship before. But actually I just said so because I couldn't find any other word to describe it.

I found out tonight that this term exists. 

I just googled it and there's a lot of article show up. The description below really explains my sentiments. 

"Spiritual love is when you truly connect with another human being. You may not even find each other physically attractive at first—you may have passed each other with barely a thought on numerous occasions. You may be intellectually compatible—or you may not think alike at all.

With spiritual love, as you get to know a person, something about them touches your very soul. You feel not just camaraderie, but a true kinship with the person. You feel like even if you separated and never saw each other again, the connection would remain."

Now I know that I will never lose him. We will have each other forever, no matter how far we are from each other. And it's good to know that some things in life can be kept for good.

Work

Camille Pissarro: The Woodcutter

There's nothing like work, a real hard work, to soothe a weary heart.

(And watching Rafa Nadal winning a tennis match.)

Giving

Giving AND expecting nothing in return is liberating. 

I thought I would never DARE to give this much again. I was so afraid that I was going to get hurt again. But the key is to expect nothing. When you give and you forget about it, you let go and whatever the receiving hand choose to do about it will not affect you anymore. When they are grateful you will be happy, sure, but when they are not, you've got nothing to lose. You move on. 

I Choose Happiness

Yes, I do. And I want it now. 

My besties will hate my decision (although I know they will not hate me), but I've already lost some people in my life that I love so much and I don't want to lose another. Maybe in the future this will kill me, but I can't even tell what's gonna happen tomorrow. I may die tomorrow. And when I have to die tomorrow, I want to die happy, knowing that I keep all my loved ones near. 

The thing is, you can't choose the one you love. One day someone walks into your life, and some experience bring you both closer to each other. Relationship has to go two ways, and no matter how much you want to be friends or to be close to someone, when there is no corresponding feedback, that bond doesn't form. It's not something you can engineer. It just happens. That's why it's so precious because it doesn't just happen with anyone.

I've learned that I got really ill, physically and mentally, even just by imagining that I have to stop loving someone and find another object to be savoured with affection. I have decided that to be strong is not to stop loving, but to learn to switch my sentiment. I believe that when you love, nothing is wasted. It will all come back to me, in one way or another, in different form that sometimes even I can't think about.

So I don't want to think too much. I have my God, and I have time. If I should get hurt, I will heal. In the meantime, I will pray a lot, love a lot, and hope for the best. No expectation.

Fighting for the Future

I have sensed this coming. The end of an episode. My heart was palpitating, I woke up in the middle of the night, and my boyfriend was right. I knew this is the right thing to do. I just have to muster the courage. 

I've already imagined a near future where life goes on as usual. I will be giving my lessons to my lazy students, practising my music, going to the music school, talking to people, organising a concert, hanging out with besties, and so on. What I can't see is him in it. At least, not yet. The thought of not seeing him in there makes my heart bleed, but I have to do this. Otherwise I will not move on to the next chapter in my life. My future will be like Groundhog Day movie, where I get to learn something new each time but basically everything stays the same. And I can't do that to myself. Moreover, I can't do that to my parents. They will want me to move on. And move up. 

There's time though, until that final decision. Till then I will keep praying for miracle. I will keep hoping that God will eventually grant my wish. God is good, I know, and He knows best for me. If he's the one for me, he will want to change, he will try, and he will eventually grow up and become a man. But if not, I know that there is a better man waiting in my future. 

So, still praying. 

Prayer

I'm praying that this whole thing is one big dream and when it's all over, I will wake up and my wish have been granted. 

I'm praying that I am right about this whole thing because if I'm wrong, I probably won't be able to give my heart to anyone, ever again. 

I know that there's a season for everything, but I'm praying that this whole thing will last forever even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to. 

I'm praying that this whole thing isn't just about me learning to trust someone and to put my life on someone's hand, but it's also about something more. It's about finding God through a relationship. It's about keeping the faith. It's about believing that prayer changes things. 

I'm praying that God will get me through this alive, in one piece, since God also gets me to this. 

I'm super scared right now. But there's nothing else I can do but to love and to pray.

Keeping It Private

I just published a private status on Facebook. It went viral. A few days prior to that, I wrote something highly personal and people commented and sent messages and asked, "What's the matter? Are you all right?" The person related to this status is now experiencing a cyber bullying. In a nice way, of course, but still he was bullied by being forced to share the story with everyone.

My stat up to today is 60+ likes and 40+ comments. It's insane. Some people can enjoy all those attention. For me, in a way I am touched by how so many people do care and are sending their best wishes, some even genuinely happy for my newly changed situation and send nice messages, but after a while, after some comments from people who hardly know me, saying how much they love seeing me changed into a loving girl, I begin to feel tremendously annoyed. Anyone who knows me really well will tell the world that I have so much love. I just don't like to share it to the world through something so artificial as social media. 

It's amazing how this thing works. There are people I know only on Facebook who regularly like my updates, there are people who shower me with a lot of affection online but are aloof and distance and cold offline, which is surprising but you learn something new about people, and then there are also people who live a thousand miles away but send their love on regular basis. You meet all sort of people and sometimes, like it or not, you're connected to them. 

The more hours I spend socializing on the web, the more I crave for a physical and real intimacy. Sure, when you can't see someone because they live in different continent, it's heart-warming to occassionally get a hello in your inbox and make you think that they think of you from time to time. But nothing ever beats the real joy of meeting someone in person, hear their voice, see their expression, touch their hands or give them a hug.

I've learned my lesson. From this day on, I'll keep my private things private. The world can judge me through what I publish or what I share as an all-about-business kinda girl, but I don't care. The most important people to me, whose thoughts I cherish and whose love I am grateful for each and every day, are those I will meet outside the cyberworld, and with whom I will share my real life and my stories. 

The Things You Do for Love

Real love is...

...when you never do the things you've done in your entire life, crazy things that will put you in trouble, but you do it anyway just so you can be with the object of your affection. 

...when you consciously throw yourself inside a deep hole and you have to dig hard to let yourself out but after all the sweat and tears, you still think it's all worth it. And you'll do it again if you have to. 

...when you constantly anticipate their needs and try to provide them even before they ask. 

...when you loathe them and they make you eat your heart out but at the end of the day, you will always open your door whenever they need shelter and protection.

...when thinking of the object of your affection, your heart feels like a glass with overflowing water

...when, as the song says, you go a million times around the world just to be closer to them than to you.  

...when, in spite of their stupidity, imperfection, weakness, you still can tell them this:

To the Owner of All Hearts

Dear God,

This is strange.

I've never felt like this before towards a person. It's overwhelming, but I'm grateful as well. I never knew that I could love someone this much, someone who isn't my family, who only came relatively recently to my life. And the love isn't romantic, although I feel all the impulses to hug, to touch, and to be near this person all the time. This is so much greater and honestly I never thought this is possible between a man and a woman. I've got a large portion of male bestfriends, and I thought there will only be two ways of going beyond friendship: either you become romantically involved and then the friendship is over or you stay friends forever where romance is never an issue. But this is different. This is new, and truth be told, I don't know what to do with it. Yet. I'm processing, and approaching this carefully, but I'm enjoying all the sensations and emotions that come with it.

Having this experience definitely brought me closer to You. I realize how little control I have over the state of my own heart. It's true that you can't choose the one you love. I realize that You own me completely, every inch of body and my soul. And thus this prayer: 

Please protect him. Whatever he choses for himself, please keep him safe and sound, please keep him happy and healthy. 

Thank You again for giving me this feeling. It's so precious. In a way it's a privilege, because I know not everyone gets to have this. 

Thank You.

Dear You,

Thank you for coming out to me today. I am surprised, saddened, but also honoured. Surprised because I didn't know before that you have to fight this kind of battle, too. Saddened because I know that your life isn't as upbeat as you always show to people, and I wish that it were. Honoured because you have chosen me as confidante, when you have so many people who know you longer and who would be willing to accept the privilege. Thank you so much. It meant a lot. 

I may have not known you that long, but I know you so much already. You see, some people are meant to be besties. We are born to be friends, we're not made by circumstances. At one point in your life, God sent you to me, so we both can learn from each other and find ourselves through each other. And we share so many things and feelings and experience together already that it seems so natural that we got to be so close. 

I know it's not easy for you to make a decision. Take your time, and when you're ready, choose the path that will lead to more happiness. For you, and for people who love you. Don't be afraid. Once you made up your mind, you can take whatever it is that comes your way. You are strong, and your mind is powerful. And with the love and support from all of us, you will prevail. 

In the meantime, if you need anything, anytime, I'm here. I'm yours. And I'm praying for you. 

Random Text

I love random text. And I love people who send it. (So save your money on flowers. Just text me with something totally irrelevant.)

Random text lets you know that the person sending it is thinking of you right at that moment. And it's great to be remembered out of the blue, in the middle of a day, be it hectic, lousy, or just ordinary. Makes you feel kinda special, no? :-)

Birds of the Same Flock...

..fly together.

Like attracts like. A few years back, a lady approached me and offered me to do a project and although some good friends warn me about her, I thought there's nothing to lose so I took the project. It turned out to be rather a disaster and at the end of everything I was left with a lot of  anger and dissatisfaction. It was the case where Maya Angelou was right. I didn't remember what she said exactly, nor what she did, but I did remember how she made me feel. And she made me feel awful.

About last year I also terminated a long-term cooperation with an organisation in the community because I seriously doubted their integrity. At first I didn't believe that they have work ethics at all, and then it was proven to me that this organisation isn't capable of handing business professionally. After one incident I lost trust in them completely. 

The funny thing is, I heard they are both working together on several projects now. How they manage to do that, only Heaven knows. I wish them the best of luck, knowing who they really are. But I guess it's true. You will end up with people you deserve. 

And I am so glad and grateful that the people I have around me are those I think highly of, who never take me for granted. 

Decisions, decisions.

I had this feeling that this year's going to be awesome. 

I'm enjoying where I am right now. I"m loving people I hang out with, who give me a good balance between work and play and motivate me to get better in what I do and support all my efforts, and I feel like I'm able to focus on things I love. I'm reading tons of books and poems, refreshing my French and retaking singing, while still playing chamber music. So much consolation for a difficult time I have in teaching. 

Thinking back to years before I get to stand where I am today, it wasn't always easy. But I have decided early on that I want my life to be always connected to art. I think somewhere in my early 20s I feel that I am most happy when I'm surrounded by it. And I guess I always dream to be in this position for so long that I somehow arrive. Of course, my course still continues but I am in the right track.

What I know now is that in order to get happiness from doing what you love and loving what you do, you have to decide on it. People say that your talent will guide you to your path, but I see that many people with specific talents choose a career that has absolutely nothing to do with their gifts. Some don't realise that they have them, but some know that choosing some profession require a great deal of work and they are simply not willing to do that (even though their talent will provide a good means for good accomplishment) that they choose something less demanding. It's valid. The most important thing is, if you want to be happy, you have to make a conscious decision and live through it. People who just "go with the flow" are rarely ecstatic and passionate about their jobs. They will find happiness in something else. 

I watch a documentary about Louise Bourgeois the other night. A young artist with a troubled soul came to see her to seek for advice. When Louise asked what happened to her, the young artist answered, "I find it difficult to express what I'm feeling." Then Louise asked again, "What are you feeling?" And surprisingly to me, she said "I want to show people how tormented I am as an artist." Then Louise say, "then you should not become an artist. To do what you love should not torment you, because it's a privilege."

I am so glad that years ago I have made a right decision. I know I don't possess the greatest talent on earth, but I also know that I have the right to access them without restriction. And I am privileged now to be able to be close to music and art and literature every single day of my life.