Secrets to Happiness

Picture: www.everything-inspiring.com

I know it from experience, so I know it for sure. And I'm grateful to God because I got to know these things before I turn 40.   

When The Lights Go Out

At the beginning of this year, I uploaded a picture of fireworks in my Facebook wall and wishing everybody is doing well and having a good year. Just before the end of November, a good friend of mine commented in that picture, "you are doing well!"

I had started this year with a clear set of goals: (1) one event each month, and (2) more local musicians. Measured by these alone, I have, indeed, done well. But since I worked with people a lot, I already saw that this year has presented quite a series of disappointments. 

My first disappointment: I'm losing crowds. I've probably said this somewhere before, but after 5 years of working in the classical music business, I am really sad to tell that in terms of public appreciation, I'm back to square one. There are many reasons why people don't come to concerts, or go to master classes, which for me are too lame to be listed here, but I have to face it, this is the place where I live and work. People buy Justin Bieber; they don't buy classical music CDs. They go out to fine dine, not to concert. They'd spend 5 dollars for a movie, a popcorn and a soda, but 5 dollars for a live show by top international pianist is considered expensive. They save months after months, live on instant noodles and 2 meals a day so they can get their Blackberrys, and then they have nothing left for their education (but of course, Blackberrys are more important because you can show it to people, whereas the content of your brain stays inside your head). Anyway, in short, people are not buying classical music here. And it's what I'm selling. To continue selling will mean that I'm a retard. A persistent one, yes, but still, a retard.      

My second disappointment: I've got very few help. Indonesians are not people who are passionate about what they do, and this is especially true to the classical musicians. A lot of fellow piano teachers are classrooms-only musicians. They don't listen to classical music recordings at home, they don't read books about music, and they hardly show up at concerts. So it would be futile to ask them to promote concerts to their pupils. And for me, if music teachers don't care, then it's difficult for music to thrive. Classical music is not in our genes, it's not something people hear in shopping malls, and it's definitely not in school's curriculum. It takes people who are really crazy about it to convince people to listen. If the man and woman of the profession don't even give a damn, what hope do I have? 

My third disappointment: the quality of local musicians I work with is deteriorating. And in my mission to develop classical music in this country, I think it's crucial, because I can't always depend on help from overseas. Now if the local musicians are rubbish, it becomes lethal. They only make it worse. People will actually believe that classical music is that boring and awful and when I finally bring some good and solid performance, people already form a prejudice, and I'm wiping the slate clean. All over again.  

I used to enjoy working with young amateurs in the city and watched them grow as artist in concert stage. I think it's a very rich experience, and an important one in the formation of a good musicians. I think they should be grateful for it, not take the opportunity for granted, and work to give their best. But since gigs are more interesting these days, with TV shows using more and more orchestrated music, I've dismally watched them say goodbye to idealism.

Too bad. I wish my work is not so much related to other people's feedback, but that's just the way it is. Given the circumstances, I think it would be wise to take a distance from all of this and think about my next steps. 

So, enough with trashing people now. Concert management is a found passion, a world I've chosen to enter with all my heart and soul. So I think I will always do it. But I also know that this profession is not something applicable in all parts of the world. At the moment, it's not very useful here, in my home country. I might find a place where I can realize my full potential, but I realize now that this will have to wait. Maybe I'll come back to it, in this very place, in a few years from now. Or maybe, God will finally let me go to where I want to be (knowing that I'm not really needed here). In the meantime, I think it's time for me to pick up pieces of myself I left behind when I decided to pursue my new career 5 years ago. There are so many things to do, even when the lights go out. We can still talk, and sing, and think. And for me, the best thing to do when darkness comes is to have peaceful moment, to pray, and to enjoy and be grateful for solitude.

Trade-offs

"A decision without tradeoffs isn't a decision. The art of good decision making is looking forward to and celebrating the tradeoffs." (Seth Godin)

So, I've been doing some serious thinking, and I think next year would be a good time to stop. I need and I must do it, because I have to know that I can stop. I love what I do and my works constitutes my life in a large portion, but it's not all of me. It's part of who I am, and I want to still have a life when I'm not working because there's actually so many things beside work that matters. If I can stop and still feel that my life is still worth living even if I only sit and watch tele all day, then I'm fine. I can always pick up where I've left off, hit refresh button and get in motion.

I've done many decision making previously, but I think it's the first time that I made a decision based on a trade-off. (Well, actually, I normally listen to my heart, that's all.)  But saying goodbye to things you're passionate about is not easy, and I had to think about the trade-off, about what I actually will get out of this.

I must say that the biggest trade-off would probably be a peace of mind. The hardest thing to swallow is the disappointment after you learn that you buste your ass so people you care about can have a better life but then then they take you for granted or just don't care, or after you know that you can't rely on anyone. When I quit, I will not have this kind of crap, and I can focus on myself. I think it's valid. After five years, I think it's time for me to pay off my debts, re-organize my life so I can spend a gap year away from all these imbeciles.

God knows I deserve it.        

End of a Season?

It's too early to say this, I know. The year hasn't ended yet. But last night I felt that I am getting close to an end of a season. Well, I have one more festival to do by the end of the year, and afterwards it will probably be a long winter for me. 

I am aware that I have been writing about taking a break so many times, but it's not easy to do. Many times I said to my best friends that I will stop for a while and have a nice, responsibility-free life like normal people, and the things they always say is: "Can you really?" Well, I guess not. But as much as I hate to stop, there is a season for everything, and I believe next year would be a season for me to come up with new strategies and plans, because things are not looking good at the moment.  

My utmost concern is that I'm losing audience. When I started promoting classical music, everyone was so sick of crappy concerts and I came with a barrage of super-cool musicians, so it was very easy to win crowds. I used to be able to get 200 people at the one-and-only concert hall in Bandung. However, from year to year, I got less and less. It's frustrating. I know that the number of people who love classical music in the city has been increasing over the past 5 years, and the quality of music appreciation, especially for live performances, rises. But at the same time I'm also missing a lot of faces. Back then concerts by foreign musicians were always well-attended, now people don't seem to give a damn. The most disappointing thing was that those who stop going to concerts are actually musicians or music teachers. (That shows how much people here love their profession, huh?) 

People have their reasons and excuses for not going to concerts. And for each and every one of them, I have a solution. But I don't want to become those freakish sales people who annoy people. I want people to come to concerts like someone who goes for a first date. You dress up nicely, get a little excited, ready to be surprised, and open to all possibilities. And you have to want to go through the troubles of driving through traffic jam or finding a parking space. And I know that if people are not as passionate as I am about going to concerts, the smallest obstruction will eventually keep them at home.

I always know that promoting classical music in my country is no walk in the park. But all struggles will make sense only if I have audience, because I always think of myself as an agent who serves public and artists. What I do basically is to bring their needs in a place called concert halls, facilitate an exchange so everybody goes home happy. Now I have row of musicians who want to come and got a lot to offer, but no one is buying here. It's not making any sense for me to continue. Of course, I can bring classical music to some privileged  people, but this is too expensive, and lately, my financial life suffers because of it. 

As much as I love what I do, I have to know when to stop and take a step back. Maybe I have to create a void, and make people crave for fantastic live-music, let their hunger grow to humongous proportions so they'll take anything at all. It is also possible that this is not going to happen at all and live performances just die here. Maybe, just maybe, some people just don't deserve that much trouble, and they could grow old and die listening to CDs. But it would be interesting to sit back and watch. Mariah Carey once quit smoking and she got her three octaves back. Maybe if I quit, too, I'll get three hundred people back. And when they're back, I'll burn my bridges.     

Keeping Up Hope

"I was 52 years old. I had diabetes and incipient arthritis. I had lost my gall bladder and most of my thyroid gland in earlier campaigns, but I was convinced that the best was ahead of me."

- Ray Kroc in Time 100: Builders & Titans -

On Programming

"A good programmer respects the audience, takes risks, has showman-like instincts and lives to bring the best and brightest talent to the people." 

- Marcy Carsey and Tom Werner on Fred Silverman and Michael Eisner in Time 100: Builders & Titans -

Daisies

www.everything-inspiring.com

Aren't they just the most gorgeous flowers on earth?

The Traveller

Last week I organised another fundraising concert for my four friends who are going to Toulouse next year for further studies. They were rehearsing at my place a few days before, then we all went on stage Saturday evening and had tremendous fun. I think we never had that much fun before. The first concert was scary for the three of them (as one stuck in Yogya and couldn't make it to Bandung) because they never gave official public performance for as long as they live. The second was their first performance as quartet, so everyone was uptight. But the third was really enjoyable. I asked them to change formation, and as a result they had stronger first violinist who was more able to lead the pack. The pieces they played were technically within their grasp, and everybody knew each other better so they were more at ease when we worked on the pieces. To make long story short, I was sitting like a proud mamma when they performed pieces by Bach, Ravel and Mozart because I really could feel that that night, for the first time, they were really feeling the music, trying to convey a message and not be bothered by stage fright. And we got some magic moments. By the time I lock the backstage door of the auditorium, adrenaline were still flowing, everyone was in high spirit, and we ended the day with dinner and a lot of picture taking and laughing. 

That night I had a feeling that I had come to some sort of destination. And I arrived safely, in a glorious state of mind. There were so many accomplishments that night, not just for me, but also for them. I know it. I know that they realize that, as musicians, they need to perform as much as they can. The stage is one of the most important place for them to grow and develop. I know that they were proud of themselves, too, because they did a great job by immersing themselves in music. I can tell that they feel that the more they got up on stage, the lesser anxiety they will have in the future. And they know how to prepare themselves well. There's so much to learn and to bring home after a performance, and finally, I can get them to understand all these. 

But what brings me more happiness is that I know there'll be more and more destinations to go to, and everything is always stationary until, literally, death do us part from this world. And knowing the fact that I can feel so elevated as I reach a temporary post makes me look forward to reaching another post. And there's always something waiting at the end of the journey, something that changes life. It might not bring happiness, but even so, it will be transitory. 

And that is why, I'm posting the picture above. I'd like to learn to be a good traveller by letting go fix plans, because I know that even without them, I will still be on the road...to somewhere. It's not the destination that matters, but the journey. A good traveller knows that it's that journey that makes one happy. And that is always more important than anything else in life. 

It Stops Here

For the past few weeks my attention, along with other stuffs, as usual, has been captured by a project initiated by Anderson Cooper called "The Bully Project". I don't know if he really did start this movement to end bullying in American schools, but he seems to be very vocal about it and when someone like him starts something, it will become big. 

Bullying in the US has become such a deadly epidemic. Oprah has had aired several episodes about it, portraying kids who commit suicide because they suffer harsh name-calling to physical abuse or kids who feel like crap because their peers tell them they are worthless, and how it effect their families as well. And all these take place in SCHOOLS. Seriously, people. This is just unacceptable. Just figure it out: our children spend 8-10 hours in school every day for 5 days, which means 1/3 of their social life happen in this formal, educational institution. If it's not safe anymore, it means that our children are scared for 40 hours a week, and that means they are scared for 2,080 hours a year. Now say, if a bullied child spend 12 years in school, that means 24,960 hours of fear. No wonder they choose death at early age.

What's annoying me so much about this is that bullying happens the most in the US, a country which always boast on becoming the world's No. 1 human rights police. They invaded Iraq and Afghanistan, meddling in other people's business, when such a terrible thing is going on steadily in their country. They should just pull their armies from other people's land and assign them in schools because these bullies, even though they are under age, can be very lethal. 

Kids have that tendency to be mean. They can be intentionally, although unconsciously, cruel. This goes to show that the seed of evil dwells inside us, in each and every one of us. But school is a place where the government sends adults with degree to stop the manifestation of evil into devil. So for me, it's unforgivable if these adults cannot supervise children's interaction. I know that teachers and school staffs cannot be around all the time to watch, but they can get help. Technology is there to use. It's all a matter of diligence, initiative, and goodwill. 

Bullying worries me a lot. Even if it happens in the US. I can say 'screw you America, you got what you deserve', but the thing is, it happens to the kids who do not deserve this. Moreover, the biggest concern is that since the people of my country are big on American culture, I'm just afraid that this rotten cult(ure) will be imported to our schools as well. American teenage movies are showing in national tellies every day, giving ideas to kids about 100 ways to bully a friend, ridiculously convincing the viewers that even though you're victimised, things will get better and you will live happily ever after. I'm just afraid that then our kids here think that it's okay to bully or to be bullied because in the end you will still get the girl and go to Harvard. But in reality, the life of these young victims are over even before they get to dream about Harvard because they're too busy trying to survive. 

I hope the US, with all those great people living and working there, will make bullying a history. In the past, they have succeeded in bringing slavery to an end, so I'm optimistic. And I hope that outside US, this will never become a national-scale issue, ever. So let's stop it here, now, today. If you see bullying around you, say a word, do something, tell people. And if it happens to children, do all that, only louder, bigger, better.  

Go to "The Bully Project" to support anti-bullying movement.        

And To Thine Own Self...

be true. (William Shakespeare)

I've heard this sort of thing from a lot of patricians, whose words often quoted by plebeians like me. But I have to admit that several times in the past, when I have to make difficult choices, I always search into myself and ask, would I be happy doing it? Will I be able to stay true to myself if I take this way? And so far, I have not make so many decisions that I regretted. This actually works for me. 

Reading Gidon Kremer's letter, I wonder though, do those artists he mentioned, those that search fame and fortune and sacrificing music in the process of attaining these two worldly goods, were they being true to themselves? Or becoming famous and fortunate are really their ideals, their values, their core self? In that case, they should be happy about it. But if they are really, truly, deeply musicians, would they still be happy when they're not making the best music they know, especially when they know how to make it?

I've been questioning this in my head after reading that letter, and I can conclude, that fame and fortune can really change your self. In "self" I mean your core being. It can shift your paradigm and gives you new perspectives.  There are plenty of evidence in the classical music scene in my country. Once an artist gets to that position where people would salute you no matter how rubbish you play, he or she is in danger of losing a sight. And I say so because a lot of time, when people start at the bottom, they have this ideal view about what they want to see once they get to the top, but as soon as they get there, they find out that there's a lot of other things to see (and to have) which are just as nice and they are distracted. Imagine those mountaineers who climb Everest for the sake of conquering the earth and find that once they arrive at the peak, they discover that it's actually a beach up there, with Baywatch actresses running around and asking them to become lifeguards. And then they forget why they're there at the first place. 

Sadly, a lot of people forget. Because fame and fortune are agents of change. Fame usually brings fortune, if not vice versa, and fortune has its own privilege. Back to the classical music scene, I know that fame can raise booking fees and bring home many endorsements. The thing is, in this business that's becoming more and more hype, to quote Kremer, money doesn't always mean quality. Now there are so many things that can add zeros in your pay check which have zero relation to your quality as a musician. You can suck big time but if your agent is good at selling, you can still get gigs. I've had once an awful pianist who played like lazy amateur but he got a totally devoted manager who was able to convince people that he's fabulous. There's also another musician I know who happens to have out-of-ordinary story about why he got into this wonderful world of Bach and Mozart and Ravel professionally and are making this his marketing gimmick to get him to perform around the world. When I heard him play, I fell off my chair because it was so incredibly messy. And guess what? He's still performing around the world. I guess he's still selling that story and there are people who are buying. In my country, every artist mind their own business. Not many have managers. But name is big, and big name is HUGE. If you have big name already, you can be sure to come on stage unrehearsed, unprepared, and under practice and people will still write in your Facebook wall saying "love your performance tonight. It was aweeesoomeee!" 

I've also observed this situation with the female group of the species: the more attractive you are, the easier you get jobs. It happens not only in the "formal" arrangement, but also in the "informal" situation, and happens all over the world. I recently came to a recital of a female artist, and this girl has an impressive CV which says that she has played with some big names in the classical music business, names that are written in all journal of all aspiring young musicians who wish to be like her. So I sat there inside the hall, impatient and excited to be enchanted, but there was no magic. It was a professional performance, I can say, everything was perfect and flawless, but there was no vibe from the stage, and I felt nothing. And then I remembered another professional musician-friend of mine, a guy who, CV-wise, isn't as famous as she is, but performance-wise is in another level altogether. If I may compare, if she is at Everest, then he has already reached heaven.

So, what makes a star? To those who believes that we have to stay true to ourselves in order to reach the sky, I can only say: think again. For me, it's obvious. The first thing you gotta have is luck. Say, 95 percent of your success depends on it. Luck is, to this day, still an unexplained phenomena to me. A lot of things have been said about it, but I think Oprah's definition comes closest to what is true: luck is preparation meets opportunity. I've known people who are prepared all their lives, but opportunity never knocks, and they spend their waking days dreaming until they no longer able to do that. 

Having said that, I think it is very important to stay true to yourself. It might not bring you the luck you need to get to the end of the tunnel, but still, it will make you happy. And it's important. Too bad the new generations of high achievers now think that it's okay to sacrifice their happiness in the process of getting what you want. I think it's stupid. If you're in a journey to get what you want, you have to be happy. It doesn't make sense if you don't. After all, you're the one making the trip to your personal paradise, so why should it torture you?

And having said that, I do not mean to say that all people who have made a name for themselves are driven away from their initial goals. There are people who, like Kremer, once they sit on the throne and rule, still can be true to themselves. I hope they're among the happiest people on earth, because they have everything.   

Knowing this fact, I must say that I'm happy to be where I am right now. There were times in the past where I long to work for big agents who manage classical music celebrities in their roster. But if I am allowed to be honest, I'm here because I want people in my country to know that classical music does not always have to boring. If it's beautiful, then like all things beautiful, it will touch your soul and change your life. It can bring you to tears, and lift your spirit. And I don't have to work with those stars to achieve this. Somewhere in London, or in Berlin, or in Paris, and elsewhere, there are undiscovered gems who can help me, whose main concern in life is to promote classical music, who are enthusiastic about playing for mere 100 people, who are willing to share their experience and expertise, who care enough about musicians in a third-world country and are willing to go the extra mile to educate them, and who understand how hard it is to get people to donate for classical music. To these true musicians-cum-humanitarians, I pay my most profound respect, and pray with all my heart that they will eventually get to where they want to be and still be true to themselves. 

Regret

3 years ago, on Valentine's Day, a guy asked me to step out of my dinner table to dance with him. We were in the middle of group meal and I haven't been asked for a dance for quite some time, and I suddenly felt very scared. Moreover, that night I didn't feel particularly confident so in the end I just froze in my chair, gave him a smile but we never had that dance. 

I should have had that dance. Not only because I need to dance again, but also because the guy who asked me was really, really nice and super decent. He also happened to have a pair of lovely blue eyes and a smile that could melt all the ice in North Pole. 

Now I'm haunted. What and if are two simple words, but put together, the effect can be devastating. It's not just one night I lay awake in bed thinking to myself, "what if we...", and I know it's too much to hope that something might happen because something might eventually not happen, but I never know. And I will never know because I didn't have that dance. 

Regrets, regrets. I am happy to say that up to these days, I can sing "My Way" and really said the lines about it: I've had a few. But among them, this is one of it. And I should've known better. It's always the thing you did not do that you regret the most. Or did not say. And I'm just saying, sometimes it's good to say yes without thinking too much. Joyce loved it because it's the most positive word ever in the whole vocabulary of mankind, and a lot of time, you're making someone happy when you say it. A lot of times, saying yes means getting something done. And that is something you won't regret.    

Letter from Gidon Kremer

...about why he withdrew from Verbier Festival. (If you don't know Kremer or Verbier Festival, ask Google.) I sadly must agree with him, that there are so many hype things going on in the "professional" music world today, even in Indonesia, where the so-called professionals have really a lot to question themselves and their work ethics. In fact, in the past few years, I tremendously enjoyed working with local amateurs on stage. These are people, borrowing Kremer's words, "who use the given opportunity to share and SERVE music by simply showing up and “enjoying themselves”. And I am sincerely thankful to them because they have really made my work in promoting classical music in the community so much easier and more fun.

Dear Martin,

Today, unfortunately I have some upsetting news for you. After many weeks of questioning myself, and a barrage of conflicting thoughts, I have finally decided to withdraw my participation in this year’s Verbier festival.

While I do not want to hurt you, I can only imagine how disappointed you will be. Please believe me, when I say that I really do not have any other choice.

We all get older, this is a fact we can’t deny this and this somehow demands more responsibility towards our actions. It concerns as well the important question of where and why we say “yes” or “no”.

It is wonderful, that Verbier provides so many opportunities for young musicians to share the music. I especially value the enthusiastic work of the Festival orchestra. I am also aware of how important it is for you, to celebrate all your friends birthdays and anniversaries. And among these highly valued performers are also some of my own very dear friends.

Nevertheless the question to myself remains: what am I personally doing on this summit of “names” and both old and new celebrities?

Having all my life served music and composers, a repertoire which is established as “classic” and one which, for decades I had to fight for to be heard, I now feel that I need to make a choice. I simply do not want any more to be part of “parties for the sake of parties”. To be one of a group of so many splendid artists is not something that I want to justify or confirm.

Some decades ago an American newspaper wrote a contradicting but ironic punch-line about me: “he is so much out, that he is in”. Time has come for me to feel, that I want to be “in” in everything I am doing. It is not easy for me to explain why, but I do feel that in Verbier, I am an “outsider”.

You would wonder: “Gidon! How can you say such a thing, being surrounded by so many friends, who respect you, who love to play with you, who look up to you? Aren’t you aware, that I myself have admired you for years?”.

Dear Martin! Please do not draw any wrong conclusions.

I am not putting up barricades because of any ambitions or desire to look at everything as a snob, as many critics do! – With their prejudice, so to say- “from above”. – No way.

I simply do not want to breath the air, which is filled by sensationalism and distorted values. Lets’ admit – all of us have something to do with the poisonous development of our music world, in which “stars” count more than creativity, ratings more than genuine talent, numbers more than…. sounds.

This summer I have decided, after 30 years of full commitment to conclude my activity for the Lockenhaus festival. For three decades, I served the cause and can only be grateful for having had so many friends who also follow that spirit. Music itself was and remained the core of this festival, which can be proud to have given an opportunity to thousands of musical scores to have been performed. It was and remains an oasis of intimacy, in size and in orientation.

Now, finding myself rather exhausted through my numerous tours, new projects and recording sessions, I feel even more, that I should do only the things which I believe myself are still somewhat necessary. And here it is: I simply do not have enough energy to support gatherings and collaborations on highly exposed stages with “rising” or approved stars of today’s music business for the sake of ovations and name-dropping.

Yes, I know, I should be professional. Most of my life I tried to stick to my word (and I am aware that promised you that I’d come) but a time has now come in which the overall devaluation of the word "interpreter” has resulted in a misguided fixation with glamour and sex appeal.

This is not anymore “my” time. I leave it to those who believe in it, be it the audiences or the new bread of performers, who have overwhelming capacities to please crowds, but who are often themselves quite EMPTY and artistically lost, chasing a hunger for recognition over ability.

Let it be like this.

Not being a hypocrite, I simply need to gain some distance and rest from all those ”fireworks”. This is the only reason that I have made this decision to step out, since I do not want this to add to the overall confusion, which has established itself within the music market in recent years.

I wish you a productive summer full of joyful meetings and “great performances” which every evening, you will announce at the usual gatherings, in circles of artists, hosts and friends.

I hope that you not only sell plenty of tickets, but as well promote the image of the festival itself, which can be honored to have such a great music lover and salesman as it’s “artistic director”.

I wish as well some day, that you find some distance from all those musicians, who use the given opportunity to share and SERVE music by simply showing up and “enjoying themselves”.

Many festivals these days unfortunately allow mixing self-enchantment with entertainment – (be it crossover or “events”) and they succeed to remain a magnet for all those, who want to be seen or hailed.

Yes I am a bit ironic and with a bitter feeling in saying these words;
 REAL artists like those that we still remember, haven’t vanished completely. But the “greenery” of Verbier rather contributes to forgetting them and hails mystifications and substitutes of those, who truly served ART. Opposing such a tendency, I simply want to find peace with myself. Lately being warn out by so many dissatisfying partnerships, I simply need a rest. I do hope this will be the best remedy for the hype that surrounds many of us.
 
.....


To view complete letter, visit:
http://www.artsjournal.com/slippeddisc/2011/07/gidon-kremer-why-i-quit-the-celebrity-ratrace.html.

Then God Made Sundays...

Another event checked last night. I was organising the second "Music Day", a community concert for young local musicians and for the past week the life on stage of 80+ young musicians were in my hands. On Friday night, just before bed, I had anticipated Saturday with a certain amount of apprehension. Taking care that many people is already something, yet my stupid brain was able to convince me that I need to play as well in that concert because my students will be there and I would like them to set them an example. So, as always, I bit more than I can chew. 

And then I looked at my schedule for the next few months and realized that I will have to start making daily to-do-list so I will have everything ready on time. 

I can't seem stop nor slow down. 

At the end of the camp (i.e. July) I said to myself that the next season would be sabbatical and I will do only one event a month. But if you do everything yourself, one event is still a bit too much, considering that in between them you still have to teach and practice and read and translate books and write blogs and go to the bank and go to the post office to post letters for your niece who happens to love sending and getting letters and designing publication materials then post them to Facebook...so, okay, you got the idea, right? It never ends. There's always something to do. 

So, back to Saturday night, I was in bed at midnight with a pair of sore feet but strangely, I felt very content. I think by the time I finished my performance with my trio and closed the concert, I knew that I could handle that much. For future reference, I have that much capacity to prepare my kids for concert, practise some piece myself, and organise the concert itself. And with that I know that my life for the next few months will be hectic, but it won't be catastrophic.With a good time management it won't have to be chaotic. 

The good thing is, God made Sundays for me. In fact, I think, Sundays are made for everybody. It's the time where you can lay around in bed not doing anything, or better yet, sleeping, or scrapbooking, or blogging, like I do. One thing I know for sure: never let anything take your Sunday away from you. As Albert Schweizer said, "if your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan."

Is it really that HARD?

“Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skilful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.” - William A. Foster

Maybe, it is that hard. According to the quote above, you need:

1. High intention

2. Sincere effort

3. Intelligent direction

4. Skilful execution

and the most difficult of all: wisdom. You need it to produce quality. You have to be wise to make a choice out of many alternatives. But what I don't understand is, sometimes there are not so many alternatives, there are, in fact, only two. Are you going to do things badly, or well? Piece of cake. 

I went to a concert last night. A well-known string quartet from France were invited to perform in Bandung's most popular cultural centre, and it was a free-entrance show, something I've never done with professional musicians since I started my career in concert organising. I came home pissed, because of how everything was executed. 

First of all, the concert was late. The organiser seemed to wait for more people before they let us in, then there were a little introduction about the artists and the whole project. It was a little dry. By the end of this opening they forgot to tell people to turn off their cellphones nor store their camera, and as it turned out, flash lights were everywhere during the concert. Very annoying. Some guys with tele lenses (suspect: journalists) flick their camera again and again and were walking around inside the auditorium to get a good angle. 

Second of all, we as audience were left in the dark when we found that there was nothing about the night's program nor the artists. The concert manager told us we would listen to Schubert, Debussy and Smetana, but he didn't even mention the details. When the quartet played the Debussy, my friend asked me whether it was really Debussy because the music did start sounding like Debussy, but in the middle it started to sound very Czech-ish.  

Third of all, the audience, who apparently were classical concert rookies, kept on clapping after movements. I started to fidget in my seat. Until the first-half, no one from the organiser was saying anything about it. Then during intermission I approached one of the centre staff and asked her if she could tell the audience that the normal arrangement for classical music concert is to clap after all the movements are done. It's a part of educating the society, I think, and if they want to do it for the next few years, they should care about such things. But no one came to announce anything after the break (not even to issue a warning to people with flashes), and then someone told us to clap so the artists would go back to the stage. So they came back, but alas! Poor first violinist, he was in the middle of a meal when he arrived on stage because his cheek was bulging with what seems to be food. Not cool!

As far as the quartet themselves, the only thing I can say is that some groups have name and fame which precede their quality. It's just too bad. I was anticipating this concert with all my heart, I really, really miss a fabulous concert, and this group has quite something in Europe (they won prizes, for God sake!), and they have existed for quite some time, but they all played like a bunch of talented, but lazy school kids. It didn't touch any corner of my soul.

Overall, it was a good waste of a what should be a good project. There's was no enthusiasm in the room last night, and as organiser, I know that a huge responsibility of the job to inject energy to a show. Because I feel it myself. Whenever I'm thrilled about a concert, my artists always reciprocate the same amount of energy back and they are able to project the same thing to the audience to ensure a success. In contrary, when I'm not happy about something, when I'm distracted or when I think the artists suck, usually I'll have an awful evening. But back to quality, I just can't understand why some people simply don't want to make an effort to achieve a conducive situation where everyone can be happy and can get the best out of it. Printing a programme wouldn't cost so much, and it certainly would teach something to the audience. They'll have better things to do than clicking their Goddamn camera all night long. And it certainly didn't take an hour to teach the audience to hold their hands until a piece is finished thoroughly. It's called classical concert education and if you really care about what you do and whom you're serving, you should take time to do this. And never assume that people come with this kind of knowledge. It's not Europe, and classical music is not at home here. The frustrating thing for me is that none of these things are difficult, but you have to want to do it. That's what Foster called as high intention. 

But in the end I must agree with Aristotle when he said that "quality is not an act, it's a habit." I happen to know that the people who organise the concert last night were not used to it. Stupid of me to expect them to perform better, when mediocre is their middle name. After all, if you ask a fish to climb a tree, people will tell you that you're the monkey. 

Inspiring!

www.templegrandin.com

This is an amazing portrayal of Temple Grandin, an autistic woman who became professor at Colorado State University. You can also check her website above which explains a lot about autism. There are a lot of inspiring lines and there is also a lyric from "You'll Never Walk Alone" (which Claire Danes sung it so autistically that I can hardly call it a song), and one of my favorite is "different, but not less". Yes, we all are, even when we have things like autism or asperger.

Claire Danes, by the by, did a marvellous job. I think she deserved a nomination for this one! 

Living with the Essentials

www.piccsy.com

Yes, life's good at the moment. I just found out another skeleton key to understanding life better. 

I was cleaning up my closet last night and got rid of things that I didn't need when it struck me again that at this moment, I am not lacking anything. I think it was very frustrating for my mum to see how I seem to not achieve anything tangible but I am still happy. But I remember, once in my not-so-interesting economics class, the first interesting thing my professor taught me was that happiness is created when there is no gap between what you want and what you actually have. The bigger the gap, the more profound your anguish is. But he said people often forget that what is more important in their lives are their needs. (There! You have it bold and underlined.)

If you ever do any decluttering in your life, you will know the first question that pops in your head when you pick up an object: keep or no keep? Then the second question: if it's a keep, will I ever use it? If the answer is no, the kept becomes no keep. Should be simple, huh? Well, not really. Normal people usually find it hard to part from an object. Answers to the second question usually is "no, but...(A. I'm sure I'll use it sometime in the future. B. It's so difficult to find it, I think I will keep it just in case. C. I will find a way to use it again. Pick one). Then the thing goes back to your store room so you can see it again on your next decluttering session. If you do any of this, change the question to: will I ever need it? 

Well, last night, I get rid a lot of stuffs I'm so proud. And that's the time when an invisible lightning struck me and told me that I don't need anything right now. All my needs, thank God the Almighty and the most Merciful, are fulfilled. Each and everyone of them in the Maslowian hierarchy of needs.

I'm telling you, it's so DAMN good to know this because it gives you a new mindset, i.e. I can still want things and not feeling unhappy when life presents me with something else, because I already have the essentials and even if my wishes are not granted, I can still live. And of course, I will always want things. I want more money. I want piano lessons once a week. I want a man. I want a romance. I want kids (preferably 2 boys and 1 girl which will be named Skylar, Stardust and Sunshine). I want to go to Oxford. I want to spend a gap year in Aix. I want to visit Madrid again, go out at 11 pm and come home in the morning (that would suit my lifestyle!). There are so many things I want. I will continue wanting it, and be happy with my life, because right now, I've got everything I need. I've got a place to hide, some clothes to keep me warm, a job I'm most passionate about (and thankfully pays the bills, too!), a family that loves and cares, awesome buddies, good friends, things I enjoy doing which can be done, .... I can go on forever. And the most cardinal of all these is that I got love, love, love!!! 

Please Do.

Image taken from www.piccsy.com

Indecent Obsession

Oxford University, England

I once said to Sam that I must have been English in the previous life. My obsession with England put me in a league with Adolf Hitler. I always tell people that I will conquer Europe one day but I never admit that my biggest and deepest desire is to finally settle in the insula Albionum. And should God granted my wish, I have long set my eyes on a place called Oxford. 

Since I began a lifelong love affair with English literature, I always fancy myself going to Oxford and eventually to its university to learn everything from Shakespeare to Dickens and from Chaucer to Byron and Joyce. Last night I watched again "An Education" and I decided to put that picture above in my vision journal. Well, you never know! Living cost and tuition fee for a student life there would be a killer, but dreaming is free of charge. In any case, I might try my hands on a distance learning course. They have some really interesting subjects and they're all affordable. 

Dum spiro spero :-) 

Will Love Him...

Leonardo DiCaprio by Annie Leibovitz

...till the day I die. :-)

On Losing Love

One of my dearest teacher, who also became a very good friend of mine, text me this afternoon and asked: "How do you heal your wound when you lost someone so very important in your life?" This isn't a question out of the blue. She just lost her mother 2 months ago and she still is overwhelmed by this tremendous, most devastating grief.  

I've lost important people in my life before, and I'm sure everybody has, too. It can be caused by separation caused by time or space or by more complicated stuffs like religion or life perspective, and ultimately, by death. It doesn't make me an expert, but I've learned something from the sad situation and what I know is that...

...Love (with a capital L) is the only thing that can cure you after it hurts you. Unlike other things in this world, when something gives you pain, you take something else to remedy it. But when love hurts you, the only way to get better is by loving again. 

...special people are special not because, quoting Maya Angelou here, of what they say, nor what they do, but how they make you feel. Each one of them pulls a chair in the high office of your soul because no one else among your 5302 Facebook friends can make you feel the way you feel when you're with them. 

...you can never forget people who give you love then take that love again and break your heart. No matter how hard you try, they will always be there in the corner of your brain, pulsating quietly between memories. But you can forgive what they've done, and when you do that, you liberate yourself from pain. 

...there is probably one BIG love in your life. Some people are lucky enough to be able to spend the rest of their lives with it. Others, not so much. But little loves, added together, can also fill your heart. They will not be the same, but they will sustain your existence. 

...when you lose love, surround yourself with more love in order to survive.

...when you have to choose two difficult things, and you're so scared about how the result may turn out, choose the option that promises more love at the end of the journey.

Picture from www.piccsy.com

Dance to the Music

“Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music.” Angela Monet

It's quite difficult to explain passion to other people. Each and every one of us is different in what makes us tick and what makes our hearts blossoms. 

For the nth time I had an argument with my mum about my choice of career. But this time I didn't say anything much, I just sat there and listened to all she had to say. I didn't want to say anything, because I've explained myself time and time again and I don't think she would listen nor try to understand. So it's no use. I'm saving my breath and a lot of sin. 

It's started when my mum knew that I was organising (yet) another workshop. It was a small project which could easily be done impromptu, and as usual, I was merely facilitating a friend who wished to share his knowledge and other friends who I think would benefit from this workshop. No harm done, and the expense was super small and easily reimbursed by participation fees. I knew I won't be getting a penny out of it, but I wasn't losing money either. No harm done. But I felt really, really happy doing this. Especially because my friend turned out to be really good at sharing and some people who came to the workshop really felt an impact. And that's my fee. 

But my mum couldn't understand this. She always says that the best appreciation and acknowledgement you can get for all your hard work is in form of money. Otherwise, it's bullshit. In a way it can be right. But in some things, especially in things you care about the most in life, you would give all out and even if you don't get anything else in return, you would still be very, very content. And I don't understand why she can't get it. She's a mother. All the hard work she has ever done to raise me and my brother will not return to her in the form of cash. We will never be able to pay her back for everything she has ever done to us, even if we can collect all gold in this world. 

I've tried to stop. It only worked for a month, two weeks of which I had to because I was ill. But I couldn't stop myself from thinking about projects, I kept hatching ideas about what I can do to improve the classical music community, a place where I live and breathe and get busy, and I can't stop dreaming that someday Bandung will be another important concert destination in the world. Why shouldn't it be? And why can't it be? It's got everything it needs to be good, and I just need to keep working on it. 

This could be a long way, especially if I see that after 4 years of doing camp, the number of people in Bandung who are interested in educating themselves can be counted with my ten fingers. But then 4 years ago, there was no one. Those ten lived in their own shells, were comfortable with their own world view, not knowing that they can have better existence if only they get better in what they do. And now they know that they want to be good at something, and they can be. They do not rest their case and spend the next 40 years of their life making ends meet. So I am aware with the fact that my dream will come true only when I start to have an awful lot of grey hairs in my head, but that's fine by me. At least till then I will have things to look forward to, and I won't be living each and every day expecting nothing. It's good to hope, and it's giving me direction. I may have to drive a long way, but I'm on the right track, and I consider it a blessing, because I know that a lot of people out there just don't have any clue about what they want their lives to be.

But it's not easy to explain, I know. Especially since my mum is one of those people who thinks that the only track there is for a woman is to raise a family and have kids. Or at least if you don't do that, you should devote your time to domestic chores. And stop making debts each year or paying foreign artists so that local artists can become better musicians. She thinks I'm stupid and crazy because metaphorically, I'm one of those nuts who dance alone. She can't feel my music. And she won't be able to feel it, because we don't listen to the same music. 

So instead of trying to make her hear, I will try to make her read. I hope she will someday be interested in what I do and what I write and come to an understanding, that I am not her. I will never be her, because we were not raised by the same people and we didn't grow up in the same circumstances. I was not a product of a broken marriage and thank God my parents were always with jobs so I don't have to quit school so I can contribute to the household. Maybe that made me spoiled. But I considered it a bliss. Because it gave me the chance to read a lot, to see the world, to know great many people, to discover my passion, and to live up to my calling. Unless I have to, I will never be one of those natural women who wakes up early and milks the cow for the whole family. But I know that I have another purpose in this world, and I'm serving it. And it's good enough for me, even with nothing in my bank account. Hopefully someday it will be good enough for her, too. 

Overcoming Disappointment

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” (Thomas Hardy)

And that is why, disappointment is one of the emotions in this world that is quite difficult to overcome.

Naturally, disappointment happens when the reality does not meet expectation. When the expectation is great, then there are all emotions in it: hope, joy, desire, longing, excitement, anticipation... We invest a lot of time and energy in it. Then, poof. It disappears. 

My disappointment today is caused by a lie. Funny kind of lie, though. Some people lie to you outright. They twist the truth, the real story, and they tell you different things. Most of the time, it's things you want to hear, so you can be happy with this crafted reality. But some people don't tell that kind of lie. They lie by not saying the truth. They lie by not saying anything, when they should have said something. To me, it's just as bad. 

But hope is, as Martin Luther King said, infinite. Once healed, I will hope again, I know that. And I have my music. I always do, and it's always a good, comfortable place to turn to. Because I believe in Jimi Hendrix when he said that "Music doesn't lie. If there is something to be changed in this world, then it can only happen through music." And so, I will change my sorrow into song. 

Time Out

I'm starting "The Audacity of Hope", a book written by the US President when he was still a senator. And I found this writing, at the opening section of the book. 

"By all appearances, my choice of careers seemed to have worked out. ... But the years had also taken their toll. ... I began to harbor doubts about the path I had chosen; I began feeling the way I imagine an actor or athlete must feel when, after years of commitment to a particular dream, after years of waiting tables between auditions or scratching out hits in the minor leagues, he realizes that he's gone just about as far as talent or fortune will take him. The dream will not happen, and he now faces the choice of accepting this fact like a grown-up and moving on to more sensible pursuits, or refusing the truth and ending up bitter, quarrelsome, and slightly pathetic."

I don't want to be bitter, quarrelsome and pathetic, especially not when I'm 40 and my dream of having a classical music community with quality I can be proud of is still not happening. So it's good to stop now. Maybe it's time to do other things that I love. Maybe I should read more Dickens, refresh my German and French, listen to my old CDs as well as the new ones, the ones I stacked without listen to because I simply didn't have time to open the package, and back to practising piano, my core training. But it's really good to know that even people like Obama stop for a while. It's comforting to know that I'm entitled to this break. And here's why. 

"At some point, I arrived at acceptance--of my limits, and in a way, my mortality. ... And it was this acceptance, I think, that allowed me to come up with the thoroughly cockeyed idea of running for the United States Senate."

Einstein said, no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. After four years, all I did was what Einstein called insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different result. I must step away from all these problems which occurs in the classical music world in my country, if possible to a higher place, so I can see them from different perspective, and hopefully, with a higher level of consciousness. Then I'll be able to find a solution. At this moment, I'm too close to everything, too attached to the cause and the people so I can't break my own recurring habits of thought. The problem I'm facing is also complex, and it needs time. The solution will not happen at once. But when I finally does find a simple one, it means God is answering. And I know God will. 

On Technique

"It doesn't make much difference how the paint is put on as long as something has been said. Technique is just a means of arriving at a statement." (Jackson Pollock) 

This writing is inspired by some of my dear friends who just survived the music camp and now are struggling with the technique in music-making process and got caught in what I called "technique hysteria". 

I suffered technique hysteria early 2005, when I just got back from Berlin. I spent my last four months there improving my technique with a very good professor and she was giving me a lot to think about as well as to train. When I started my lessons with her, I didn't think I was going home four months after, but the class was abruptly ended, and then I was left with a huge question mark on about every little details in music-making. Is my fingers quick and strong enough now? Do I have a supple wrist to support my movement? Do my thumbs move with as much flexibility as other fingers? Am I relaxed enough? Do I have some bad habits I didn't realize having? There were questions after questions and at one point, I was blocked. I was so scared of playing anything, even the easiest music, because all of a sudden, I became so aware of every single thing. My brain couldn't get the big picture, and it was always about the minute parts which compose music, not the music itself. 

I must tell you, it's the most frustrating period in my musical life. And it's all because of a devil called technique. 

Here's what Picasso said about technique: "the more technique you have, the less you have to worry about it." Okay, very true. This makes total sense. There are people in this world to which technique comes naturally that they sometime couldn't explain it and they never have to worry about it. They're like the most gifted handyman who has all kinds of hammers and bolts and nuts in their belt and can use it to make everything, from door to window to wooden sculpture. But not everyone is born with this kind of gift, and I think this shouldn't stop us from doing an artwork, or anything we want to do.

Artists, and in my case musicians, who are frustrated with their limited technique should always come back to elementary school and go to drawing class. Why do first-graders love drawing class so much? Because they can do whatever they want, and create whatever it is that's in their mind, without worrying whether the result would look very much like what's in their mind or...not at all. In short, screw technique. They have fun, and they create, and they say something with whatever they possess. And do you know when drawing class isn't fun anymore? The moment you realize that your friend has some hidden magic in his hands which can create chicken that looks like chicken, whereas your hand can only produce chicken that looks like chicken nugget. But no need to be sad. Normally when you realize this, you also realize that you're not head over heels in love with drawing class and you're more than happy to try your hands on soccer or poetry. 

But what if you're so in love with one particular form of art and you know that your life is meant for it but your technique isn't supporting your love for it? First of all, you must remember what Martha Graham said. "Great dancers are not great because of their technique, they are great because of their passion." Okay, this will sound too good to be true. You need more than passion to be great. You need to work super hard. But I've seen many people who have enormous talent in music and still they are not the best musicians because they lack passion; that one flame, the fuel that drives them from within. Second of all, you learn the tools you need to be good in what you do. Of course, if you're not a natural-born pianist like Horowitz, you will have to go the extra thousand miles to be able to play Traumerei as lovely as he did (with the risk that you still can't be able to play as lovely as he did), but it doesn't mean that it is not possible. And you might have to learn all your life to be good, but if you want to be true to yourself, then you shouldn't mind spending all your lifetime to learn. 

I'm not saying here that technique isn't important. I'm just putting it back in its place, and I think technique is a tool to express. If you can learn the right stuffs, it's great. But if not, the person to stop you is yourself. With music, before anything, and like every other thing in life, you have to know what you're going to express before you pick the right tool. It's like a surgeon. You have to know what you're going to cut and why before choosing the right scalpel. And if you don't know your intention, your tools will be useless. So if your mind is creative enough, you will always find the right tools to explain what's on your mind, what you feel when certain music hits your soul, and what you want to say with it. And cultivating this is more important, I think, than anything else. And to do that you must go beyond correct hand position and all science to make good music. To do that you have to fall in love, have a heartbreak, talk to people, get connected, smell flowers, hug trees, feel the wind in your face, laugh, cry, give a lot of hugs, and live life to the fullest.

Because

Oh, because you never tried

To bow my will or break my pride,

And nothing of the cave-man made

You want to keep me half afraid,

Nor ever with a conquering air

You thought to draw me unaware --

Take me, for I love you more

Than I ever loved before. 

And since the body's maidenhood

Alone were neither rare nor good

Unless with it I gave to you

A spirit still untrammeled, too,

Take my dreams and take my mind

That were masterless as wind;

And "Master!" I shall say to you

Since you never asked me to.

Sarah Teasdale

Life, in Perspective

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." (from an Irish tombstone) 

Last week, just one day after the camp and a few hours after I wrote my last blog, I was killing time in front of my computer, feeling uncertain about days to come and thinking what I will do next year if there would be no camp. I supposed mum already smelled my erratic thoughts and so she took a precautionary step: she went upstairs, gave me those nocturnal lecture and told me off. As a desperate attempt to shut her up, I told her to give me a break. 

But sometimes, life presents you with so big a challenge and you can't even ask for a break. 

A day after this, a good friend of mine lost her husband in a tragic accident. I won't tell you how tragic because I can't bear re-telling it, but the moment I heard the whole story, I got down on my knees and prayed to God that my family and my closest friends would be saved from such tragic occurrence. It was devastating. I can't imagine how devastating it would be for my friend, who must go through this hell and back. And yes, she has to go back, because she's got two handsome little men counting on her. Life must go on, even without a beloved partner on her side.

Now, I have to admit, when my BFF gave me the news, my problems seem so small, so embarrassingly diminutive that I almost regretted writing about it in my blog. I can't even begin to compare my life as a single woman who is free and still able to do whatever I want and choose the path I want to take with some married friends of mine who have to make sacrifices every day and put themselves seconds. Of course, it's all about choices, but I always believe that the best thing in life is to be free, and although at some point people will want to trade that freedom with some other things in life, things that are also as beautiful as freedom, it will never be the same. What's more difficult is when you have traded this with something that worth more than your freedom, then you have to lose it. 

But life's like that. People lose things every day, sometime they are precious and bigger than life itself, but you must continue living. Life was kind enough to give me a week break, to make me re-think about my life and what I really want to do (at least for the moment) and then live up to it, but I know that there are many that are less fortunate, and because of this I feel grateful, and for this I wish them the best of luck.

What I know for sure is that things that are missing from our life will be replaced. It won't be the same, of course, because no two living entities are ever identical. But there are only three possibilities. God either gives you better, or bigger, or more. In any case, God won't let you down. And I sincerely hope that my dear friend will find a replacement even more valued, cherished, and prized than the one she said good-bye to. And it is true, that deaths will leave us a wound that will not be healed, but memories always sustain us throughout the most difficult moments in life. And in good time, we rise again. 

Reluctance

...

Ah, when to the heart of man

Was it ever less than a treason

To go with the drift of things,

To yield with a grace to reason,

And bow and accept the end

Of a love or a season?

("Reluctance", Robert Frost)

It's over: my fourth camp.

I can understand now why the Chinese omits 4. It's a deadly number. At one point the camp felt almost deadly to me, but as I learned from past experience, everything always ends up well. My cellist-friend Damien used to say, there's always a solution to every problem. If not, things will fix themselves. Like every other things that happen in this world.

Things started to get better when Kim arrived on site. She is super fun, super easy and such a bundle of positive energy that she started to outshine all things grey and gruesome. The presence of Rafael, the youngest camp member ever, also lift my mood because I just love babies. And Kim turned out to be an excellent teacher and mentor. The fact that she is also a mother made her gave 150% of her energy to take care all the young pianists and to make sure they developed something during the camp. With her around, the rest of the camp went by so quickly, almost too quickly for me. 

Yesternight, we had a super-long concert to wrap this year's project. I started the concert on time, at 7.30 pm, and we ended at 10 pm. The best performance by Bandung's own Anime String Ensemble closed the concert with Britten's Simply Symphony, which was well-directed and well-rehearsed by Berlin Phil's Micha Afkham. The energy he lent to the ensemble lift up their whole presentation, resulting in a perfect ending for the night. 

So, all's well that ends well. 

What's coming now is post-project depression. 

Call me drama queen or whatever, but honestly, it's always quite difficult for me to get through the emotion after a season is finished. Sometimes a season can fly, I've got fantastic people that could make fantastic music; sometimes situations can get the better of me and I can't do anything but praying that it's all over, but all those experience are always good experience, and after all, I always remember the good things (and that's why I don't learn and do the same thing over and over again). And because good things make you happy, leaving them behind makes you sad. The only way to get over it is to actually start working again on a project, or a new season. I've been thinking that for the past 4 years since I started the camp, I never had a proper vacation. But then I realize that I'm not good at taking vacation. I'm supposed to have a week-break now before I start teaching again, but already my mind is sketching plans for the next few months, and my index finger browsing music scores. For me, this is very effective in overcoming the blues. And it's productive. 

But I'm afraid this time it's going to be more difficult because I've promised my parents to stop after this, and now I feel kind of lost. On the bottom of everything, I love what I do, and if you lose something you love, or if you are deprived of the object of your affection, you ought to feel lost for a while. It's valid for any case of loving. But if I may elaborate, there are lots of reason why I love doing this. Planning a season always gives me direction because then I will know what to do for the next few months, what to prepare, who to call or write, or even when to take a pause for a while, which is a good thing to do in between projects. Then because planning means preparing, the German side of me loves it because preparation means less stress. On top of them, I am good at it and this gives me a sense of self-worth. And apart from all of these, I love connecting and working with musicians friends. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone, that I'm a part of something. 

Unfortunately I now have to find another way to be happy without doing this one particular thing that I love the most. I still have teaching, which I love more and more, although teaching can be a delicate stuff, and it's important to check the balance from time to time because teaching can take a huge chunk of your time, and before you realize it you don't have time to do anything else for yourself. I'm also thinking about going back to studying, adding some more solo as well as chamber music repertoires and step up on stage instead of the back of it, reading more books about music, musicians and music-making, and listening to more music. I imagine, the next season will be a more quiet one, with less people to see and manage, and less places to visit (in fact, I might be staying at home the whole time), but it will be less risky and less stressful for people around me. For me, after being used to risk and stress after 7 years, next season will be less exciting, to be sure, but maybe, there will be something else awaiting me. 

I heard that when God closes the door, He will open the window. I could maybe say that this is the end of an era, and a door has been closed behind me. But no matter how much we've lost, we always end up getting more. I know I have to accept the end, even if my heart is heavy, and still seeking. All good things must come to it, sooner or later. And when it does, it doesn't mean that bad things will follow. It is very possible that better things will come.

I'm hopeful.

A Little Comforting Thought

I will start touring tomorrow. Compared to the tour I've done before, this is the one I am most unexcited about. Too bad. Of all the tough things I must deal, sometimes the consolation is being with the artists, exchanging ideas and thoughts and learning about themselves and their lives, while they get a glimpse of my life. 

One thing I most enjoy about this profession is the relationship I have with the artists. With almost all of them, I go from manager to friend, and it's always so much easier to work with friends. You can be more transparent, understanding, accommodating, and we can help each other to our best. But there are certain people with whom such nature can be hard to develop, and then managing them isn't so much fun anymore. 

But as hard as it is, as difficult as they can be, I have to stick to my work ethic, first and foremost. At the moment I'm scared, so scared, that things would not go as well as I've planned, but the show must go on. Things have already been so complicated, and although I know that things are going to be fine in the end, I really, really wish that I can at least enjoy the process of getting to the end.  

Right now I'm trying to empty my mind, let go of all my fears, and take one thing at a time. One comforting thought I read today is that you don't have to be afraid if you're strong. It's when you're weak that you have to worry.

I know I'm strong, so I shall prevail.  

Managing Small Fuss

The end of a concert season always brings a headache.

Since 2008 I set up a pattern of finishing every cycle of activities with the music camp. The camp itself is a big event with long and tedious preparation, and there are always 1-2 concerts surrounding it. Normally it starts with the faculty concert or recital, followed by a closing concert at the very end of everything.

This year I've got eight concerts surrounding the camp. Six by the faculty artists for the string department, one by the only international pianist I have this year, and one to wrap the camp. And it's major headache. Major with a capital M. 

Organising one single concert is already a complex process. First you have to liaise with venue authority, then the artist(s), then the public. You have to coordinate and make sure that you have authorisation to use a certain hall at a certain date, then you discuss concert programme with the artists, then you make posters and flyers and any other publicity items so that people will come to the hall. With 8 concerts, it means you have to liaise with 8 venues and make sure that people will come to all these places so that all the trees cut to produce concert tickets will not be wasted.

What's making all this process complicated is that each time, you have to deal with human beings. Some of them are really good and helpful and quick and responsive, not to mention kind and generous and warm. When you meet this kind of people, your job is already 60 percent easier. But sometimes you have no choice but to deal with morons and idiots and people whose sole purpose in life is to make other people's life harder. (Yes, there are people like that.) And when you deal with this kind of people, you just want to forget about the whole thing. 

But I wish it were that easy to dismiss people. There are cases when you don't have a good bargaining position and then the people you're facing are not really too understanding or too compassionate, and then they ask too much. 

Sometimes this happens with international artists whom I invite. Some of them, young people mostly, are easy-going and adventurous and all they care about is making music, making impact and establishing relationship with as many people as possible. But some can be quite difficult and amazingly produce a list of nice things they must have during their stay. Things that are non-musical. When they don't get what they want, they don't have enough manner to conceal their unhappiness.

In the past, I tried as much as I can to comply to all their wish. But sometimes with budget constraint and lack of support, my hands are tied. These days, however, I have learnt to stop being apologetic about it. In a country where classical music is still a luxury item, and with me fighting almost alone to bring music to the people, I think it's fair to say that I have always done and tried my best, but if my best isn't good enough, I will rest my case. But I will not spend all my resources to provide heavenly treat for these kind of people when I can use it for greater good, like allowing one person to come and learn in my camp. After all, this is what it's all about in the first place.