...
Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?
("Reluctance", Robert Frost)
It's over: my fourth camp.
I can understand now why the Chinese omits 4. It's a deadly number. At one point the camp felt almost deadly to me, but as I learned from past experience, everything always ends up well. My cellist-friend Damien used to say, there's always a solution to every problem. If not, things will fix themselves. Like every other things that happen in this world.
Things started to get better when Kim arrived on site. She is super fun, super easy and such a bundle of positive energy that she started to outshine all things grey and gruesome. The presence of Rafael, the youngest camp member ever, also lift my mood because I just love babies. And Kim turned out to be an excellent teacher and mentor. The fact that she is also a mother made her gave 150% of her energy to take care all the young pianists and to make sure they developed something during the camp. With her around, the rest of the camp went by so quickly, almost too quickly for me.
Yesternight, we had a super-long concert to wrap this year's project. I started the concert on time, at 7.30 pm, and we ended at 10 pm. The best performance by Bandung's own Anime String Ensemble closed the concert with Britten's Simply Symphony, which was well-directed and well-rehearsed by Berlin Phil's Micha Afkham. The energy he lent to the ensemble lift up their whole presentation, resulting in a perfect ending for the night.
So, all's well that ends well.
What's coming now is post-project depression.
Call me drama queen or whatever, but honestly, it's always quite difficult for me to get through the emotion after a season is finished. Sometimes a season can fly, I've got fantastic people that could make fantastic music; sometimes situations can get the better of me and I can't do anything but praying that it's all over, but all those experience are always good experience, and after all, I always remember the good things (and that's why I don't learn and do the same thing over and over again). And because good things make you happy, leaving them behind makes you sad. The only way to get over it is to actually start working again on a project, or a new season. I've been thinking that for the past 4 years since I started the camp, I never had a proper vacation. But then I realize that I'm not good at taking vacation. I'm supposed to have a week-break now before I start teaching again, but already my mind is sketching plans for the next few months, and my index finger browsing music scores. For me, this is very effective in overcoming the blues. And it's productive.
But I'm afraid this time it's going to be more difficult because I've promised my parents to stop after this, and now I feel kind of lost. On the bottom of everything, I love what I do, and if you lose something you love, or if you are deprived of the object of your affection, you ought to feel lost for a while. It's valid for any case of loving. But if I may elaborate, there are lots of reason why I love doing this. Planning a season always gives me direction because then I will know what to do for the next few months, what to prepare, who to call or write, or even when to take a pause for a while, which is a good thing to do in between projects. Then because planning means preparing, the German side of me loves it because preparation means less stress. On top of them, I am good at it and this gives me a sense of self-worth. And apart from all of these, I love connecting and working with musicians friends. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone, that I'm a part of something.
Unfortunately I now have to find another way to be happy without doing this one particular thing that I love the most. I still have teaching, which I love more and more, although teaching can be a delicate stuff, and it's important to check the balance from time to time because teaching can take a huge chunk of your time, and before you realize it you don't have time to do anything else for yourself. I'm also thinking about going back to studying, adding some more solo as well as chamber music repertoires and step up on stage instead of the back of it, reading more books about music, musicians and music-making, and listening to more music. I imagine, the next season will be a more quiet one, with less people to see and manage, and less places to visit (in fact, I might be staying at home the whole time), but it will be less risky and less stressful for people around me. For me, after being used to risk and stress after 7 years, next season will be less exciting, to be sure, but maybe, there will be something else awaiting me.
I heard that when God closes the door, He will open the window. I could maybe say that this is the end of an era, and a door has been closed behind me. But no matter how much we've lost, we always end up getting more. I know I have to accept the end, even if my heart is heavy, and still seeking. All good things must come to it, sooner or later. And when it does, it doesn't mean that bad things will follow. It is very possible that better things will come.
I'm hopeful.
