Spiritual Love

I thought I made this up.

When some of my BFF asked me how I feel about him, I told them that I feel "spiritually connected." I've never had this kind of relationship before. But actually I just said so because I couldn't find any other word to describe it.

I found out tonight that this term exists. 

I just googled it and there's a lot of article show up. The description below really explains my sentiments. 

"Spiritual love is when you truly connect with another human being. You may not even find each other physically attractive at first—you may have passed each other with barely a thought on numerous occasions. You may be intellectually compatible—or you may not think alike at all.

With spiritual love, as you get to know a person, something about them touches your very soul. You feel not just camaraderie, but a true kinship with the person. You feel like even if you separated and never saw each other again, the connection would remain."

Now I know that I will never lose him. We will have each other forever, no matter how far we are from each other. And it's good to know that some things in life can be kept for good.

Work

Camille Pissarro: The Woodcutter

There's nothing like work, a real hard work, to soothe a weary heart.

(And watching Rafa Nadal winning a tennis match.)

Giving

Giving AND expecting nothing in return is liberating. 

I thought I would never DARE to give this much again. I was so afraid that I was going to get hurt again. But the key is to expect nothing. When you give and you forget about it, you let go and whatever the receiving hand choose to do about it will not affect you anymore. When they are grateful you will be happy, sure, but when they are not, you've got nothing to lose. You move on. 

I Choose Happiness

Yes, I do. And I want it now. 

My besties will hate my decision (although I know they will not hate me), but I've already lost some people in my life that I love so much and I don't want to lose another. Maybe in the future this will kill me, but I can't even tell what's gonna happen tomorrow. I may die tomorrow. And when I have to die tomorrow, I want to die happy, knowing that I keep all my loved ones near. 

The thing is, you can't choose the one you love. One day someone walks into your life, and some experience bring you both closer to each other. Relationship has to go two ways, and no matter how much you want to be friends or to be close to someone, when there is no corresponding feedback, that bond doesn't form. It's not something you can engineer. It just happens. That's why it's so precious because it doesn't just happen with anyone.

I've learned that I got really ill, physically and mentally, even just by imagining that I have to stop loving someone and find another object to be savoured with affection. I have decided that to be strong is not to stop loving, but to learn to switch my sentiment. I believe that when you love, nothing is wasted. It will all come back to me, in one way or another, in different form that sometimes even I can't think about.

So I don't want to think too much. I have my God, and I have time. If I should get hurt, I will heal. In the meantime, I will pray a lot, love a lot, and hope for the best. No expectation.

Fighting for the Future

I have sensed this coming. The end of an episode. My heart was palpitating, I woke up in the middle of the night, and my boyfriend was right. I knew this is the right thing to do. I just have to muster the courage. 

I've already imagined a near future where life goes on as usual. I will be giving my lessons to my lazy students, practising my music, going to the music school, talking to people, organising a concert, hanging out with besties, and so on. What I can't see is him in it. At least, not yet. The thought of not seeing him in there makes my heart bleed, but I have to do this. Otherwise I will not move on to the next chapter in my life. My future will be like Groundhog Day movie, where I get to learn something new each time but basically everything stays the same. And I can't do that to myself. Moreover, I can't do that to my parents. They will want me to move on. And move up. 

There's time though, until that final decision. Till then I will keep praying for miracle. I will keep hoping that God will eventually grant my wish. God is good, I know, and He knows best for me. If he's the one for me, he will want to change, he will try, and he will eventually grow up and become a man. But if not, I know that there is a better man waiting in my future. 

So, still praying. 

Prayer

I'm praying that this whole thing is one big dream and when it's all over, I will wake up and my wish have been granted. 

I'm praying that I am right about this whole thing because if I'm wrong, I probably won't be able to give my heart to anyone, ever again. 

I know that there's a season for everything, but I'm praying that this whole thing will last forever even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to. 

I'm praying that this whole thing isn't just about me learning to trust someone and to put my life on someone's hand, but it's also about something more. It's about finding God through a relationship. It's about keeping the faith. It's about believing that prayer changes things. 

I'm praying that God will get me through this alive, in one piece, since God also gets me to this. 

I'm super scared right now. But there's nothing else I can do but to love and to pray.

Keeping It Private

I just published a private status on Facebook. It went viral. A few days prior to that, I wrote something highly personal and people commented and sent messages and asked, "What's the matter? Are you all right?" The person related to this status is now experiencing a cyber bullying. In a nice way, of course, but still he was bullied by being forced to share the story with everyone.

My stat up to today is 60+ likes and 40+ comments. It's insane. Some people can enjoy all those attention. For me, in a way I am touched by how so many people do care and are sending their best wishes, some even genuinely happy for my newly changed situation and send nice messages, but after a while, after some comments from people who hardly know me, saying how much they love seeing me changed into a loving girl, I begin to feel tremendously annoyed. Anyone who knows me really well will tell the world that I have so much love. I just don't like to share it to the world through something so artificial as social media. 

It's amazing how this thing works. There are people I know only on Facebook who regularly like my updates, there are people who shower me with a lot of affection online but are aloof and distance and cold offline, which is surprising but you learn something new about people, and then there are also people who live a thousand miles away but send their love on regular basis. You meet all sort of people and sometimes, like it or not, you're connected to them. 

The more hours I spend socializing on the web, the more I crave for a physical and real intimacy. Sure, when you can't see someone because they live in different continent, it's heart-warming to occassionally get a hello in your inbox and make you think that they think of you from time to time. But nothing ever beats the real joy of meeting someone in person, hear their voice, see their expression, touch their hands or give them a hug.

I've learned my lesson. From this day on, I'll keep my private things private. The world can judge me through what I publish or what I share as an all-about-business kinda girl, but I don't care. The most important people to me, whose thoughts I cherish and whose love I am grateful for each and every day, are those I will meet outside the cyberworld, and with whom I will share my real life and my stories. 

The Things You Do for Love

Real love is...

...when you never do the things you've done in your entire life, crazy things that will put you in trouble, but you do it anyway just so you can be with the object of your affection. 

...when you consciously throw yourself inside a deep hole and you have to dig hard to let yourself out but after all the sweat and tears, you still think it's all worth it. And you'll do it again if you have to. 

...when you constantly anticipate their needs and try to provide them even before they ask. 

...when you loathe them and they make you eat your heart out but at the end of the day, you will always open your door whenever they need shelter and protection.

...when thinking of the object of your affection, your heart feels like a glass with overflowing water

...when, as the song says, you go a million times around the world just to be closer to them than to you.  

...when, in spite of their stupidity, imperfection, weakness, you still can tell them this: