The Power of Positivity

I'm super happy. 

My doctor finally gave the permission to stop chemo. I had told her that it didn't seem to do me any good. I felt worse and my body was ruined, and moreover my appetite went overboard that I was often so devoid of energy to do even the simplest things like waking up in the morning. The aches worsened and I felt like my body's thermostat didn't function properly. I could wake up feeling so hot in the middle of the night or shiver like a beaver in the middle of the day. Moreover, the paperwork and the beaureaucracy to do before getting medication is so disheartening that I often went to the hospital feeling already beaten and bruised. 

On my last chemo, my body had rejected it so much that it took longer to insert the needle and I was in pain the whole time the medication was in. There was just too many negative energy and I wasn't looking forward to my next visit. 

I explained everything in detail to her earlier tonight and she agreed to discuss another form of therapy. I had some ideas in my mind but already I was feeling so much more positive. 

The good thing about having this disease is that it teaches me to sort things in my life that are good for me, that help me heals and give my health a good boost. And that includes cutting away people who keep giving me bad vibes, make me feel worthless and dispensable (although I know I am, but I don't like to be reminded all the time), and to surround myself with people who radiate love and warmth and support. 

Those are the most important things in life. If you have these people in your life, make sure you tell them that they are precious and never take them for granted. 

Closure

Sometimes, relationship goes sour. Although not very often people break up on purpose, but separation is often inevitable. There doesn't have to be a problem. People change, that's all. We outgrow one another, we find new things where our old lives no longer fit and thus we have to make room.

When people grow apart because of a problem, and you can't talk about it because of some reasons, then you need to make your own closure. Don't wait while holding grudges, don't assume and don't guess. Give 700 excuses for the one on the other side. Then, the most important step: forgive them and yourself. You don't have to know exactly what their mistakes are, and you don't have to beat yourself up trying to figure out what you did wrong.

Forgiveness is moving forward, and forgiving gives you the closure you need when no one is giving you any.

Little Things

I can hold a pen again today. 

I haven't been able to hold anything properly for almost a month now. The steroid I've taken has caused skin thinning which lead to break down and ulcer, and it happened right on the joint of my right hand forefinger. 

I'm telling you, life is becoming super awkward if you can't bend your pointy. Don't even think about playing piano or holding violin bow. Holding a glass and getting dressed are unnecessarily complicated when you can't get a grip on anything. 

Which made me realise that it's always the little things that make life complete. While it's also the little things that we always take for granted. 

Which also reminds me, that despite all this illness and hardship, I still have zillion little things to be thankful for. 

Ego Play

Ego can destroy relationship. It works by taking over the better version of yourself and make you think you're better, smarter, wiser than others. When someone tells you something your ego doesn't want to hear, it will make you unable to digest the information with a clear mind and you end up either hating that person (although what he or she said may be true) or you end up blaming yourself too harshly. 

It is always good to check yourself. When something happens that leaves you feeling shabby, ask yourself: is it your feeling or your ego that is hurt? I find most of the time when I feel bad or upset about something, it is actually my ego that is bruised. And the moment I can discern that, the easier it is for me to let go and put things back in perspective. 

I think it is easier for people now to spoil themselves. Social medias feed people's need of attention, entitlement and affirmation, all things which, if real, must be earned. You can get recognition simply from posting things, and people don't often check whether it's valid, true, or important. It can be just funny and even stupid, but if you keep doing this, you still get acknowledgement. And the more of these you get, the bigger your ego can grow.

Hanya Yanagihara's wrote in her book called "A Little Life" which I find precious:

"...the only trick of friendship, I think, is to find people who are better than you are - not smarter, not cooler, but kinder, and more generous, and more forgiving - and then to appreciate them for what they can teach you, and to try to listen to them when they tell you something about yourself, no matter how bad - or good - it might be, and to trust them, which is the hardest thing of all. But the best, as well."

In this era of virtual connection where everything can be fake and used to blow up your ego, it's always good to keep people in your life whom you can trust to tell you right in the face whenever you screw up or when you do something totally despicable. Why? Firstly, because they will keep your feet on the ground. And secondly, when your ego is so crushed that you can't stand up, they will also be the ones who pick you up on and help you get back on your feet. 

On Brexit

Brexit is such a disappointment, even for me who might not suffer direct consequences of the decision made by the majority of Brits. 

This guy in Tumblr voiced my sentiment exactly:

"Brexit is scary. And not just because Britain will be leaving the EU but because it once again shows the amount of support right wing parties all across Europe have gained in the past few years. How successful they are in spreading racism, fear and lies f**king terrifies me. And all that just because they think they are somehow superior to others. The way Europe (and the world) is headed right now is alarming."

Britain has been an object of my affection...probably since my days in the womb (as my mum is also a fan). I basically spent my entire life up reading books by English authors and this fondness never ceases. I started with a lot of Enid Blyton, switched to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and Agatha Christie during late childhood, then spoiled my troublesome, tumultous, and romantic, adolescent years with mum's Mills and Boon, fell madly in love classic English writers and poets from Shakespeare, Shelley, Dickens, the Brontes, Austen (too many Victorian, yes, I know) and discovered the more modern ones such as Maugham and Durell. So the Brits are always in my life, fictionally. Then in real life I had three great years of working with a superawesome British boss who taught me most of what I know today about how to be professional and also some British musicians which I find among the smartest, funniest, most self-deprecating creatures on earth despite their talents. All so refreshing. So the country and the people are always a favourite. 

Britain in the past has also been known (at least from what I read and knew and it is possible that I know only very little) as the friendliest country in Europe towards strangers. It is not easily shaken by attacks (after the London bombing, people there were the quickest to recover) and as Muslim especially, the Brits have always seemed to be at ease with their presence in their land. The Brits I know also are the most open to differences and have showed respect in understanding cultures other than theirs (although sometimes I know it beats the living daylight out of them as to why some people are so "not English"....lol.)

So the first feeling I get from the Brexit is that somehow Britain can't even escape this wave of hatred that is now spread globally out of fear and prejudice and ignorance. It is scary. I am afraid this will raise more right wing movements all over Europe and then the world will be split into tiny little pieces again. I am especially anxious about the life of many Muslims refugees in Europe after this. I already read a lot of stories of how hard their life is even after leaving their conflicted homes, and I can't imagine the adversity they will face after this. 

I know that in the long run things will swing back to balance and probably my angst will prove to be nonsense. The world goes like a wheel, and I've noticed that many times, a downward movement will be countered by an upward movement in the other pole of the globe. But let's not wait. As individual I think there is not a more urgent moment to spread love and tolerance and kindness towards others who are not like us and to try to live with differences peacefully. Politics are strong, and evil, and it has done more damages in the past few years than goods, but I also know that individuals matter and can play a significant role in bringing change. There are so many examples. HONY writer alone can collect up to 2 million dollars for cancer patients in New York. There are hundreds of posts in Tumblr asking people to donate for someone they know who are severely ill, and people help. Just google. And the most important thing is you have to believe enough in humanity and the capacity and capability of human race to be kind to start to be kind yourself. Politics divide, but we will unite.

Now. 

Thank You.

This Ramadhan is definitely the most difficult in my entire life. 

Sleep disruption is bad news for sclerosis. Stress is a no go, and the fact that my BFF has crisis that affects our relationship doesn't help either. So I haven't been able to play piano properly for the past four weeks because my fingers are swelling and aching, and I can't stretch. It's rather frustrating when you have to arpeggiate so many chords (and it doesn't sound nice either, especially for Mozart). My whole body is aching which makes dozing off and getting up so difficult (I had to cancel a lesson once because I simply couldn't dragged myself off of bed) and my face feels weird because of the amount of steroid I've taken. 

But the silver lining is that all of these troubles come in this special, most anticipated month in the Islamic calendar, so I find myself enjoying more and more of my alone time with God, happily look forward to the midnight prayer to pour my heart out. 

So...to him who tests my patience and my sincerity of action, who continues to make me wonder if I did something terrible in the past and keeps me repenting for my mistakes, who pushes me away and still shows no signs of pulling back (although I still pray that he does)....I want to thank you. You've made my Ramadhan all the more special. 

And to God, thank You. For everything. For all the tears, the fears, the anger and the exasperation that lead me to resignation. For drawing me closer to You. I read a book once in the chemo lounge that it's actually You who draws close to people who are ill. I don't know what I've done to deserve such privilege, but I am forever grateful. 

The Problem with People with Problem

One of my besties is having a major crisis in his life and it's been going on for 3 months now. 

When it started, he admitted that he wasn't happy and we agreed to give each other space since we became easily irritated by each other. He had this low tides episodes before in his life but he always bounced back, so I thought I'll wait for him to come around. 

Except this time he hasn't. Then I realised that this time, it's serious. 

Now here's the problem with people with problem. When it's severe and chronic, they got caught in it that their problem becomes their identity. They begin with having a distorted view about important things in life that later infects everything they see and hear. And since most of the perception is negative, thus the irritation. Of course, their personality also changes. Even the kindest, most lovable, charming and warm people can turn into asswipes overnight. The difficult thing is, they will also take you for granted, simply because no one else is available. They don't appreciate the fact that you see right through them but you still stick around because you still believe that there's a better version of them inside that moron you still call a friend. They don't say thank you, they forget to say please, and waiting for their apologies regarding their less-than-acceptable behavior will be like waiting for the Haley comet. They are insensitive to your needs but once you forget theirs, they will make you feel like the most horrible human on the planet. 

(sigh)

However, friendship, if it's real, and love, if there's one in it, are not that easy to destroy. The funny thing when you love a person is that you don't always like their little traits, but you still love him/her as a whole (which is the opposite when you dislike a person: you can like their little traits, but you can't stand their whole existence). So you sigh. And you shrug, for the hundreth time, and proceed to find something to do to amuse yourself while your friend is battling their demons. You just hope that he wakes up one day with a realisation that he's not helping himself by pushing away people who care about him. You pray that he'll eventually open up, seek help, and get back to normal.

The problem with people with problem is that they can be difficult to deal with. But they can teach you so much about love, kindness, generosity, compassion, patience, and empathy. All features of strength that doesn't always come with muscles and steroids. And if that doesn't help, you can always walk away and add another lesson about the art of letting go.  

Keeping It Real

People on Facebook scare me. 

I have experience where people can be different online and on the real life. I once knew a girl who was also a musician in the city and although we didn't really know each other personally, we know that we're in the same community. Also we met sometimes in concerts that I organised. She used to send me messages through Facebook asking a lot of stuff. I happily answered them because she was so nice and very supportive of my work. Once I told her about the obstacles I have and he sent me "a warm, big hugs and a lot of kisses to make me feel better". I was moved. Until I actually held a conversation with her. 

At that time she enrolled in one of the music camps and before the camp started, I used to hold a briefing for all the participants. When she came I had recalled how nice she was on Facebook so I was greeting her with warmth and friendliness but her replied froze me. She was cold and distant and didn't seem to have any recollection whatsoever about our conversation online. I had thought maybe she just had a bad day, but after a week, she didn't change. And she was the same with everyone at the camp. 

It didn't traumatise me, but after that incident I certainly don't form opinion as quickly as I was before about people I met online. I would wait until I shake their hands in person in real life. Flesh and blood.

That was 4 years ago. 

Now, people are worse. It's a whole new game out there and I wonder how people got super ugly these days. What happened to good manners, honesty and sincerity? 

I happened to know a guy, let's say A, who told my BFF something bad about someone else (also a guy I knew, let's say B). It was not only unpleasant but also strange as he was telling this story in front of a bunch of people. We couldn't really know for sure if it's the truth but even if it did, he sounded like he was about to smear someone's reputation. Why would you do that? We decided that maybe something happened between them and A got so angry. 

But a while after that, I started seeing A following B on Facebook, liking his posts, making friendly comments, as if they were buddies. A also told me that he's been consulting B on some matters, asking his expert opinion, and recently we spotted them together in a concert, sitting next to each other and chatting friendly. It was so disturbing. 

I also find strange nowadays that people can hate someone so much in the real life but liking their posts on Facebook or making supportive even admiring comments. I had many cases where I met with a friend who later told me how so and so made him/her absolutely crazy with their behaviour but on Facebook they seem on friendly terms. Seriously, what is going on? Is this some new game that people play? 

My other BFF told me not to worry. She said she has found that long ago. In the military world where she lives, the beaureaucracy and the strata have somehow forced people to show their support through this 'like' button especially to someone important because they're in the more inferior position and this small, petty, insignificant gesture could prove to be helpful in their career. She said she got used to that and she simply tags the people she thinks are fake in her mind and just acts more careful around them. 

So, has the 'like' button become some sort of political button these days? It looks to me that people don't just like something in pure terms like how people like a certain food because it's yummy, but because they also want to support someone, they want to be a part of their society, they want to be seen as their follower, or whatever reasons that suited their own intentions. I'm not saying it's bad. It's totally fine. What's awful is when they can't actually stand the real person and even go so far as to destroy someone's name. 

It honestly scares the hell out of me. These days I'm using Facebook just to get in touch with someone and post work-related publicity, but otherwise I'd rather spend more time doing concrete, tangible things like reading or practicing. It's less crowded, and sometimes lonely, but at least it's real. 

The Measure of Happiness

How do you measure happiness? More specifically, how do you measure other people's happiness? 

Whenever I enter a discussion about this with my parents, we always end up in arguments. They insist that with what I don't have, it must be hard for me to be happy. I don't have an asset, I'm not married so I can only rely on myself to support my life, I have a steady job with not-so-steady income, and every once in a while, I expose myself to some financial risk because of my insisting on doing the hard task of promoting classical music in the community. So how can you be happy? 

It's funny to me how people always think they can measure other people's happiness. I have a reformed gay friend who's now happily married (to a wonderful woman) with an adorable little girl. He perpetually posts pictures of his little family and they all look blissfully happy. But my friends from the gay community always said he must be faking it, as he is betraying his true identity. But how do thet know? What makes people so sure that he hasn't already thought about the trade-off? His denouncing his homosexuality for an exchange with family life might be the best decision he made in his life. Who are we to judge? 

I used to work closely with a very difficult, demanding, hardworking French guy who was leading a cultural institute in Bandung. He was very exact in his command and did not want to take nonsense from anyone. He came before everyone else and left after everyone arrived home, every single day of the week. His staffs naturally hated him. Once he was sitting alone during lunch and a lady who worked for him said that that's the price of being such a perfectionist boss. You don't have friends to have lunch with. But then again, I looked at him. He didn't look miserable, in fact, I think he kind of enjoyed his alone time of the day where no one bug him with anything. He probably chose to eat alone. Yet people easily and quickly think he must be unhappy.

It frustrates and annoys me a lot when people start to judge other people's life. In most cases, people can only measure things by their own standard, very few can really know and understand what is held as valuable by others. It angers me a lot when my parents start to judge my life based on their standard, when it's obviously clear that we are standing on a different page. And why would you want to measure other people's happiness anyway, when all you need to care about is your own?

What Remains at the End

My Grandma lost her house today. She moved in with her 7 kids in 1968 and in 1972 a man came to the house and claimed that he has bought the house from the previous owner, a Dutch lady and showed her a receipt as a proof of payment. He could not show any legal certificate as a sign of ownership of the house, just that small piece of paper and what supposed to be an easy, clear-as-daylight case of fraud developed into a 44-year long legal battle up to supreme court. Unfortunately, the man was an ex colonel at the army so he could get a lot of backing to support his meagre document to win this case. Today we found out that this case was sponsored by Djarum Kudus, a gigantic tobacco company who wanted to acquire the house. They have managed to pay all the legal officers involved in this case, from lawyers to judges, to make the end result unfavorable for us. They also obviously paid the local newspaper to create a fictional story about how we hard we fought for the execution of the house today when in fact our big family have removed all of our belongings last night and left the house empty this morning. 

My mum and her remaining siblings fought long and hard for justice but we lost at the end. When they began their battle, they knew that they were probably fighting a lost cause, since it's well known how corrupt Indonesian legal system is. It's all a game of money and power. How much you're having, or who is standing behind you. For common family such as ours, all we have is legal documents, the law, and the belief that justice should be done even if it takes blood and sweat and your good night sleeps.

Everyone in the family is so familiar with this case because it's been haunting us for years. My cousins, my brother and I know all too well about the suffering our parents must endure to keep my grandma at the house and to defend what is ours by right and law. When our parents decide to give up the house last night, it was strange how relieved we, or at least I, felt. We're sad and disappointed for sure, but after all that has been done to us, we thought about it and we didn't lose much at the end. Sure, the house is valuable. The land itself will cost IDR 5 billion because of its location. But it's just money. But our family believe that what is ours by destiny will come to us, no matter what. Maybe it will come back to us in another time, in another form, but if it doesn't, we still have other things that are more precious than that. We have our family, our dignity, and most of all our integrity. 

I was out last night when my grandma was brought to our house by my mum. I was literally tiptoing to her room to check how she's doing, and she was amazingly calm and steadfast. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said she was all right. She said the house is not hers anyway. God gave it to her and she was allowed to stay there for a very long while, and now God wants it back. Still God is kind because she isn't left homeless. She has many homes to go to now, and she can still sleep under a roof in her warm bed. 

No matter what you've lost, there are always things to be grateful for. Because no matter what is taken from you, there are always more things given to you. My grandma's most profound words were: "I will not be crying over something that I will not be taking to the grave." Her resolution to let this go have taught me that the most important things we will be accounted for is everything that cannot be measured in money. 

Shut Up and Listen!

Last night my BFF shared this video:

It was rather shocking when he stop playing as most musicians would perhaps choose to ignore and continue (while hoping that it would end) but it was indeed a magical moment when the piece modulates to minor and the change in atmosphere was completely ruined by the ring tone. How annoying, and tiresome, and disrespectful. 

I wonder why it's so hard for people to sit still and be silence these days. About a month ago I posted my vexation on Facebook after organising a concert for my students. It has become a common thing to find in children's concert: parents checking up their phone all the time, only stopping when their kids are performing on stage to take videos, then packing their bags and their kids the minute they're done and off they go, leaving an almost empty hall at the end of the concert. Some people even go in and out of the hall as if it were their living room, not caring if what they do disrupt people. It constantly confuses me why they come at all to concerts. If their main priority is to be in touch with their cyber world at all time while listening to music, they might stay at home and turn on their CD players. It saves them the energy to go out and the money for concert tickets and most certainly it saves other people from being disturbed. 

I also find it strange how people seem so hard to listen nowadays. Many times I find that they eagerly and quickly respond to what I say even though I'm not finished talking yet. There are people who text back while I was texting them, resulting in overlapping questions and answers. It's not unusual to see younger people interrupt you with something totally irrelevant in the middle of your speech and to make you continue, expecting you to not be bothered with their stupid remarks. Why are people so uncomfortable with silence? 

In the world full of noise, I find silence becoming more and more precious each day. And I find myself more and more appreciative of people who listen well and feel at ease in moments where nothing needs to be said. Because sometimes, silence is the best reply, the most honorable thing you can do to pay respect to others.