This Ramadhan is definitely the most difficult in my entire life.
Sleep disruption is bad news for sclerosis. Stress is a no go, and the fact that my BFF has crisis that affects our relationship doesn't help either. So I haven't been able to play piano properly for the past four weeks because my fingers are swelling and aching, and I can't stretch. It's rather frustrating when you have to arpeggiate so many chords (and it doesn't sound nice either, especially for Mozart). My whole body is aching which makes dozing off and getting up so difficult (I had to cancel a lesson once because I simply couldn't dragged myself off of bed) and my face feels weird because of the amount of steroid I've taken.
But the silver lining is that all of these troubles come in this special, most anticipated month in the Islamic calendar, so I find myself enjoying more and more of my alone time with God, happily look forward to the midnight prayer to pour my heart out.
So...to him who tests my patience and my sincerity of action, who continues to make me wonder if I did something terrible in the past and keeps me repenting for my mistakes, who pushes me away and still shows no signs of pulling back (although I still pray that he does)....I want to thank you. You've made my Ramadhan all the more special.
And to God, thank You. For everything. For all the tears, the fears, the anger and the exasperation that lead me to resignation. For drawing me closer to You. I read a book once in the chemo lounge that it's actually You who draws close to people who are ill. I don't know what I've done to deserve such privilege, but I am forever grateful.
