That's me, drifting between heaven and earth.
The problem with having no project on hand is that I'm losing my foothold on the ground. Having projects mean having short term goals to look forward to, and I like it because it gives me a sense of direction.
Now I'm not so sure where I'm heading.
I'm not sure about wanting to continue to promote classical music here, with shitty people and their shitty work ethics and shitty community (sorry, that's really too much shit in sentence but I just can't help it). I'm not sure about wanting to go abroad to study because there's no point of learning something if I can't apply it.
But I really hate being unsure about things. Like enthusiasm, doubt can be very infectious. Now I'm starting to feel unsure about everything, about what I really want to do in life (although, seeing how miserable I am for not being able to do anything about my true passion, I think it's quite clear what I must do). I have been thinking about taking another gap year, meeting new people, learning new skills, but what will happen if I come back to the very same shitty spot?
I don't know which one is harder: having an (almost) impossible dream and keep chasing rainbows or having a life without a dream. Some people live their lives just fine without dreams. I don't think I can do it, though. I will always have a vision of a better place and a better life somewhere in the future.
I probably will have to change my current vision. There's no point of being a stubborn imbecile. Some dreams will come true in some places, but in other places you will have to find another dream to be happy.
In the meantime, I'm gonna let myself drift away from everything while figuring out what I want to do with my life next.
