"Ich hab'ein großes Gefühl für dich.
Soll ich es dir vorbeibringen, oder willst du es abholen?"
(Robert Gernhardt)
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| www.weheartit.com |
Once in my life, years ago, I had an all-consuming love. It was short but so intense that I didn't know that I was capable of feeling that much. My heart was like a vessel overflowed with so much happiness until I felt it might burst. I thought that kind of love will never end, so that when it was over, I had a immense hollow inside that can't be filled for many, many years afterwards and that I actually suffered some physical pain because of it.
That experience left me terrified every time I wanted to try something new with someone else. When I finally tried, I didn't give all of my heart. Of course the end result was catastrophic, although it didn't kill me.
One day, not so long ago, someone came to my life, and somehow he convinced me, not through his words but through his actions, that I don't have to be so afraid anymore. So I put myself together and offered him my heart.
It was liberating.
Love isn't complicated. People are. If people accept the first love given to them and giving it back, so many of us would live happily ever after and no one will make movies or fairy tales about it. But the thing is, without knowing how and why, you love a certain person with all their flaws and failings, against all odds, sometimes defying common sense and good advice. And the same thing cannot be applied to any other person. It's not a repeat order, a recipe, nor a pattern. Love is, unfortunately, highly random. But I guess from experience I have now learned to just love and be happy with doing it, because I have handed this whole business to God. If anything good will come out of this, I will be the happiest woman on earth, but otherwise I know that I will fall out of love, and find a new one. As Maupassant said, " l'amour n'est pas éternel. On se prend et on se quitte."
Of course I won't deny that my heart leaps every time I saw him appear in my News Feed. There hasn't been a day yet where I cross my fingers every time my iMessage beeps and hope that it is him that send me a text, even if it's just a simple "hi". And the fact that I still mention his name in my every prayer shows how much I really want all my feelings to be reciprocated. After all, the greatest thing we'll ever have is to love and to be loved in return. And it's something I pray I'll never be deprived of in life.
