"Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be."
No, this isn't about Hemingway's book.
This is about me (sorry, this is my blog so some of its content will be about me) saying goodbye to the fact that my arms will no longer be used to take care of classical music and it's people. In a way, I'm saying goodbye to my own power to make a change, but life is a choice and I finally choose to do this although by my heart is heavy.
There are certain things in life that knocks on your door and before you invite them in, they are already there in your living room and you let them because it just happens (like love) or because your instinct tells you exactly what to do with them. You don't need to call someone and ask about their opinion, you just know that you should serve them tea not coffee with biscuit and you get that feel in your bone that they want two sugars. I think everybody somehow waits for these things which I called "calling". Some of us who are not finding it yet can drift in mid-air, eating, drinking, going to work like everybody else, but you can always tell those who have found their calling and those who haven't. And those who have found it are privileged. Like me.
Once in a fundraising concert I organized for my 4 friends who will go to Toulouse, the concert host asked me why I bother to go through all the trouble for them, but what he probably didn't realize is that it's an honour to do a job you love, whether it's for myself or for someone else. The subject isn't really my 4 friends, but the work itself. And I must say, doing all those preparations with them gave me the greatest joy, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. (Okay, maybe for a really nice, smart, wise and loving husband).
But not many people can understand this. Especially if fulfilling my duty could mean sacrificing everything I have got in this world. I wouldn't mind, of course, but people like my parents who never had the privilege of receiving a calling and living up to it just couldn't follow my logic. And it makes them unhappy. And when they are unhappy, I can't be happy either.
My parents just found out that I'm again in danger of facing financial problems because of my camp, and my mum is already walking like a ghost, terrified, unable to get rid of all unfortunate events (which she cultivates herself) which might befall me should I end up with (more) debts. And all for ivory-tower project called music camp, so they say.
And that's when I decide to stop all this.
I'm too tired fighting alone out there to change people's way of thinking. I'm tired of saying to people like a broken record that education is an investment and all the money you ever spend for it will go back to your life and multiply. I'm tired of showing people the possibilities you can have and opportunities you can access if you have good education. And now if I have to fight this belief in front of people who should believe in me, who should not question my faith in what I do, who should become my stones in tough times, then I just simply can't do it. It's too much negative energy and in the end, there were no more happiness.
Sad as I am right now, at least I have managed to help 4 people realize their dreams. That's my only consolation. And because of what we have done together for the past 9 months, I can say that when they go, they will bring my dreams with them because we will leave a part of ourselves behind for each and everyone of us. When they leave me, I will also leave who I was, and who knows, maybe I will go to who I might become.
