It's been quite some time since I wrote here because I had some tough weeks lately. I have to do this one thing I've been avoiding whenever I can, but I know eventually I have to face this because it's just something I have to do in order to be "complete" in what I do now: finding sponsors.
I always envy (read: hate) those fund raisers from other genres of music because money seems to come easily to them. Of course, like dangdut with thousands of people attending concert, which company would not think it not good for their exposure? And I haven't been able to get rid of my idealism of not getting sponsorship from cigarette companies.
I was so sure 9 months ago. This Camp is a good project. No, a great project, in fact. There are so much things to do, the kids can learn so much, and I remembered having so much fun when I myself was at a music camp 5 years ago. And I was so determined to make this one a better one than before. More lessons, more interactions, better programmes, etc. I put my heart to it, everyone said the brochure was super cool and looked pro, and that.....it was too expensive for string players.
Apparently it is. From 40 targeted participants, I got only 13 and now I'm trying hard to find scholarships for 15 string players so my Camp would work out. But then, with this shortage I had also a huge deficit in the budget, and it turns out that I have to look for another 200 mio.
Suddenly the pressure was so big. Somehow, two weeks ago, I still was sure about this, and sent some people some news about their admissions to the camp, expecting (at that time with great assurance) that this funding things will sort out itself in time. The burden got heavier as one of the candidate aked if she got in the camp as she needs to book tickets to fly back home from Beijing as early as possible.
So at that time I started to send dozens of proposals to companies asking for their mercies. (Is it not a degrading thing, to beg?) My mind wouldn't stop thinking of every chance to meet someone who can help or call someone for back up. It's been dreadful.
Tonight I couldn't eat and was so sick, afterward I had a good, hearty cry at the bathroom. It was good afterward, though. Made my head clear, and I can think straight, and started to find out how I had ended up where I am now. And now I know.
It's about positivity. I realize that I'm so alone in this, and that people who are closest to me are actually those who doubt me the most. And I it's not because they hate me, but because they know that if this project doesn't work I will be broken-hearted and dissappointed and they don't want to see me like that. But it's really hard to fight a big battle if the people around you tell you (with their looks or unspoken words) that you're going to lose.
These people told me facts that are not arguable. It's so hard to find sponsors. Classical music isn't very good for exposure. You have to know someone inside the company to get an access. But I have my facts, too. This path has been treaded before, and some have made it. And I still have time to fight this cause until the time I give myself, and until that all I have to do is try.
I read Mike Dooley's book again and got the positive energy that I need. Universe mailed me a message tonight that said "It's all up to you. It's only up to you. And that is something you ever have to know. Always do what you can do."
Today I'm done. I did everything I had to do. Were I to redo everything all over again, I would do the same. It was a right decision, a right thing to do, and I have taken the right steps. And I shouldn't have let anybody tell me otherwise.
(Imported old blog, originally written on April 10, 2008)
