Things are a little bit better now. Everyone seemed to be accepting my explanation about this flop, and sent me their best wishes. JP was suddenly kind and crossed his fingers and hope for some luck. I continue working.
Only my feelings weren't...better. I had this blast of relief but afterward I felt like I've been hit by giant meteorites. There's nothing left on the surface, and things were so quiet, so bare. I suppose it's time for a new hope to grow, but strangely I was irresolute, inert, slogjam, languid. The worst thing is, I can't sleep, yet I felt so tired all the time. I've been hanging out on the internet a lot but my mind was always in 'wartemodus'. I'm there, but I'm not available.
I wish doctors and scientist would start thinking about vitamins for people with mental fatigue. I never thought for one second that someone would boycott my project (that happens only on soap operas and my life's pretty much real and ordinary). I never thought that managers of Indonesia's national orchestra have no idea what they are into once they started a band of classical musicians. I never thought that someone who wish me luck also expected that I failed, and there's just so many things behind all this that made me think: Why the hell did I care so much?
I haven't found out the reason. Maybe I watched too much Harry Potter where everybody there seems to be doing what's right and not what's easy. Maybe I'm into adrenaline addiction. Or maybe, as one psychoanalist said, I'm deceptively ambitious. Whatever.
One thing I learn, though, that I do have loyal friends and supporters who wish me luck and keep believing that it's going to happen, in fact some of them felt the suffering with me. In the meantime I keep on talking to myself and opening that thick yellow pages to search for some more companies to write to. I still believe. I can't afford to do otherwise. I watched Meg Ryan in "Against the Ropes" last night and was repeating the same lines to mum today.
Mum: "It's already May. What if it fails?"
Me: "What??? What are you talking about? It's not gonna fail. You just have to believe in me."
(Imported old blog, originally written on May 5, 2008)
