Until today I didn't know what I did wrongly in the past that so many things were not working out the way I thought it would. From the first step I knew that this project was going to be tough, it would be a great challenge for me, but I had no idea that it's going to be so difficult, up to the last stage.
4 weeks before I went to the national office for education to get a paper I need for the artists' visas. It took me 3 weeks to get that paper, thanks to Indonesian beaureaucracy, and by the time it's ready it was already much too late to get anything ready. But I submitted the letter to immigration office in Jakarta anyway, and had to pay US$100. I told the artists to get a VOA.
7 days before the project begins, I had a major problem with artists accommodation. I didn't really aware that getting a room for each and every one of them in a condotel was a huge mistake I should never make again in the future. So I spent the last 5 days wracking out my brain to get them individual rooms, and the best solution I can find costs me additional US$ 400.
Just today one of our source of fund decided to cancel their support. There's suddenly this big block in my head and I just couldn't think a way of getting US$7,500 in 2 days. To owe the artists their fee is one possible thing to do, but I dreaded that so much and felt like sick everytime I think of this option. It would mean not keeping up my words and I just couldn't let myself do that. I am ready to be in a lot of debt, but even finding someone or some people who would lend me that much money is a problem in itself. And if I eventually go through that way, it would mean that I can forget about getting my master, going abroad and other dreams I have each and every night for the past 3 years.
Tonight I stop thinking altogether. I just pray, and pray, and pray. I texted all my good friends and asked them to pray for me. We all could do with a little bit of miracle. I don't know what's going to happen. But two things I know in times of trouble: there's a solution for every problem and God will not give me a burden I cannot bear. Whatever it is, I will be ready to face it.
(Imported old blog, originally written on June 30, 2008)
