The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred with sweat and blood and dust; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy cause and who, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knows neither victory nor defeat. (Theodore Roosevelt)
It's Friday noon with cool air and blue sky. The rain has just stopped pouring outside and I can still hear thunder going away. There's a stillness that always comes after a big downpour. My kind of wheather. If only I can empty my mind and be more present to enjoy the whole thing.
I've just finished writing all project proposals for next season and I feel overwhelmed already. Business doesn't stop here, it's just the beginning. Afterward comes the toughest part of the job, fundraising, and the nicest part of the job (actually, of all things) only happens just before the end: meeting people and absorbing fabulous live music-making. Now with CMS being handed over to me, I feel somehow extra burdened. The planning was seriously fun, where I got to decide what will be the theme, who will be invited, requested some favorite works, scheduling concert agenda and so on, but here's the catch: the series has never failed to deliver since its first launch 8 years ago. So I better, I have to make it right, too. I've invited these wonderful people and some loyal fans have already asked when is the next concert, so it would be such a shame if we couldn't make it. And this year the team will have to do without the powerful Mr. van Hien, its founder. Pretty scary for a rookie like me.
My biggest ghoul to kill is this anxiety about whether we'll find adequate support. Sorry, it's still same old stories. The reasons are, (1) I'm simply not good at it - the fact that I hate doing it doesn't help either; (2) my company is a new player in the business, so I still haven't established that many contacts; and (3) I hate the idea that all your good deeds in the end will be determined solely by other people's willingness to donate. Sometimes for nights I spend hours thinking how not to be too sponsors-dependent. I even learn about Obama's strategy of collecting money through the internet, though I haven't really figure out how to apply that in my business, with the stingy rich people here who know not so much about classical music and thus prefer to spend their money on gasoline.
And so, after this period of project planning, comes the period of project executing, which includes sending letters, calling people, waiting, calling people again, waiting again, so forth until at one point somebody says "sorry" or "OK". This is the most dreadful period for me (and I'm so in it right now!). I just feel like I can do tons of better things, even if only laying in bed and train my visualization skill or simply worshipping the beauty of doing nothing. I've been trying to hire people to do it, but it's not as easy as I thought. In fact, I pray each time that God would send someone who could help me out with this. I'd give all my paycheck if this person appears at my door. And in some cases (as in this year), planning the whole season alone takes a lot of energy that in the end there's so little left to do other things.
For the past two weeks I've been thinking of slowing the pace and go back to just do one or two self-financed events per year (with mediocre musicians) and waiting for clients like I used to when I just started this business. However, after doing a big project like the camp, it doesn't feel right (and good) to do that. It's not that I'm into things so big so soon, I do believe in process, but I feel awfully empty after those humongous work, so I guess I'm just gonna keep following my intuition and do what I think is possible. Anyway, the momentum is right. Obawa just won, I can always see that as a sign. Nothing is impossible.
Another thing is, a friend of mind just told me about his friend's experience who perseveres even after 14 business failures. And with me it's only a failure to put myself together when it comes to asking money from people. He's sure that in the end I'll master the ability to shamelessly beg for cash and be nice to people because I need their signatures on their fat checks. So I'll hang on (while advertising a position for fundraiser in the local newspaper).
Well, I guess I just have to get used to it. It's for good cause anyway. And Mae West once said, "if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly." No need to rush, all in good time. I So in love am I with the goods that I sell, I still haven't make myself the best marketer for it. Maybe in time I will develop that talent in sales. Or, even better, some people will come and help me. People with great charisma and super ability to make friends for utility reason.
One good thing, in fact, the greatest thing about this whole process that makes me hold on is simply because I realize that this, with all its ups and downs, is my true calling. I can always go back to teaching 50 hours per week and enjoy a carefree, stress-free life and secure financial condition while starving my soul to death. I got to see God's intention now for not letting me into the Musikhochschule in Germany
Work is love made visible. (Kahlil Gibran)
(Imported old blog, originally written on November 7, 2008)
